What do you do if you're certain you're "vinegar"? I remeber when I was 19 (I'm 43 now), I was not a very likable person. I spent between then and now bettering myself - everything from how I speak to how I walk, how I think to I feel about things (attitude), etc, so I could be likable enough to have friends. I even got a college education and have a career now. All genuine efforts resulting in genuine change.

But after all these efforts, all these years, (the root cause of my begining to better myself when I was 19) I'm still alone and can't make connections with people.

Then It finally hit me like a brick the other day why this might be. I likened myself to vinegar. It's just who I am, unfortunately.

I realized that nothing I do, no amount of self help books, no amount of effort is going to fundamentally change (or hasn't yet) who I am. So what does a person like me do? Last time I checked, you can't change vinegar into honey. And few people like vinegar, despite it's virtues.

So where do I go from here - if all paths and efforts lead me to lonliness and the inability to make healthy connections with people, what do I do now?

Thanks in advance. (Dated 11/6/2008)

I like your analogy with vinegar.  To really give you a good answer I'd probably need more details about your efforts and what you mean by who you are.  I do think it is possible that a person can have some core personality traits that other people find difficult to deal with.  Despite that though, I think there might be ways to manage how these traits get expressed so that they don't push people away.  So it's not so much about changing who you are, but rather highlighting your strengths and minimizing your weakness with others.  Vinegar in itself is not very tasty, but if you mix it with other things and use it with certain foods, it becomes highly desirable. 

Hello Sean, I saw your brief article on the self growth website. You are exactly right about trait loneliness. I have been waiting for that mysterious person to show up and make a soul connection with me. I have been waiting for 45 years and still have a glimmer of hope they may yet come along. I have recently discovered that I have a form of attachment disorder. I take an antidepressant that helps lift my mood and stops the negative chatter in my head. I have a difficult time being around other people, but have worked on skills and coping methods so I can relate on a daily level. My father was hostile and distant, and my mother did her best to provide care, but did not know how to "see" us kids as real people and reflect back to us who and what we were. I found out after her death that she had attempted aborting me with knitting needles. She harbored that secret all her life. She was fairly self oriented and was easily irritated with other people and their genuine feelings and needs. I have no idea how to heal myself of this old wound. How can I patch over my unmet need for a primary caregiver? There has to be more to life than this. Thank you,

Cathy Creswell (Dated 11/6/2008)

Hi Cathy, that's a really good question.  Sadly, I have to say my most honest answer is I don't know.  There is some more recent research coming out looking at individuals attachment styles over the lifespan.  Therefore, if one grows up with an insecure attachment to parents, do they form insecure attachments with their romantic partners, etc.  What they are finding is that the more consistent childhood experiences you have (growing up around a rejecting parents for most of your childhood for example) the more stable your attachment style tends to be in adulthood and also the more resistant to change.  So, the real question is, is it possible to patch over your unmet need for a primary caregiver?  For sure, there is some amount of growth and development that is possible, but if you will ever completely escape the curse of your childhood is a question I don't have the answer to...

I am an outgoing 52 year old professional woman who has been divorced for 6 years. I have contact with people all day long at work & I get out with friends about once a week, as well as seeing my family from time to time.  

In spite outward appearances, I feel lonely most of the time & often did during my 17 year marriage.  My ex & I worked opposite shifts & didn't see each other much during the week.  I often ate alone & dealt with the stress in my life by over eating... due to work stress, infertility, lonliness, family deaths, etc.. Menopauase didn't help either with my weight. Over a 20 year period, I gained 100 lbs.  Now I have some health issues as a result. During all these years,  I have exercised off & on, joined Weight Watchers several times & would lose 10-20 lbs. only to gain it back. I admit that I am an emotional eater.   

Even after my divorce & dealing with the deaths of both of my parents in recent years, I have made efforts to remain optimistic through it all. I still get out with my close friends to go dancing, to area events, etc..  Also,  I helped host a singles group & made new male & female friends.  In recent years, I've dated too, but sometimes I became too serious too soon & scared the men away.  Now I go out on dates sometimes and try to learn from my past mistakes. Sometimes, I feel that no one will fall in love with this middle-aged, full-figured, quirky woman!  I try to love myself as I am, but at times it isn't easy when there is a lot of rejection from the opposite sex.  I realize that everyone has a right to their preferences. When I go out, I do have a nice appearance, as well as a positive attitude. Likewise, I have diverse interests, a challenging job, etc.. but I feel that I'm overlooked b/c I'm a plus-sized woman who can be a bit chatty. I'm on the tall side, so I can carry it well.  I feel that I may always be alone & I'm extremely lonely for a real relationship again. Friends around me have found love again, but I reman alone & lonely, in spite outward appearances.

So, where do I go from here?

Suzy (Dated 11/6/2008)

Based on what you said, it seems like your weight is a problem.  Not only do you perceive it to be a problem for potential dating partners, but you also see it as a problem for yourself - in the sense that it is the result of how you cope by being an "emotional eater."  It also sounds like you've tried to do things to take the weight off but haven't had much success.  The other thing I'm hearing is that can sometimes rush into relationships which can scare men away.  I have a two-fold suggestion for you.  First, you need to focus on your eating habits and on losing weight, not necessarily for anyone else (including potential dating partners) but for yourself.  Just like any other habit, it takes a while to break and you will inevitably "fall of the horse" a few times.  Groups like Weight Watchers are a good idea because there are other people there who can support you.  You also need to find some way of coping with your emotions...perhaps working with a therapist, counselor, pastor, etc., to come up with solutions that would work.  Despite what outward appearances, it seems like you are getting some dates, so perhaps the other problem is how you approach dating and relationships.  You have identified at least one behavior that would potentially be "scary", but perhaps there are others that you are not aware of.  Again, working with someone to help you figure out what these things might be would be useful, so you can work on correcting them as well.

I think have a loneliness problem. I am 22, recent college graduate. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years until almost 3 months ago, I ended it. While i was with him, if there was ever a time when he was busy and couldn't hang out, I would immediately feel anxious and then loneliness. I would be mad at him for having plans. Say for example, he goes to the gym for a couple hours after work, and I end up not seeing him until late at night if at all, that would anger me and make me feel really lonely. Or if he went to visit his family for a weekend, I would spend the whole weekend feeling lonely and try to keep busy. Well now, for other reasons, we are not together. I am a graduate, in my college town, with few friends. I have a new boy I am intimate with, and although it is very soon after ending the last relationship, I cannot deny my feelings for him. But yet again I find myself getting mad when this boy has other plans and feeling extremely lonely nights that I can't spend with him. For some weird reason I think a boy should desperately miss me as much as I miss them or something. I have a hard time calling old friends and even local friends to hang out or just to talk. I have work to do around the house, ect, but I would rather sit and cry about being lonely for some reason. I really would like to fix this about myself, or find out why I do this.

Lonelygrad (Dated 7/23/2008)

You rely quite heavily on your romantic relationships to bring you the love and intimacy that you need.  It sounds almost as if you are addicted to the feeling of being surrounded by someone who loves you and almost have withdrawal pangs when that person is not around.  Are you trying to fill a void in yourself, do you need him to make you feel good?  Perhaps you need to spend some time focusing on you and getting to love you some more, before reaching out to others.

My thought about it (and I'm sure lots of other people will agree to), that if you FEEL lonely  then in fact you ARE lonely.  Whether your husband thinks you are lonely or not is irrelevant, it's what you think and what you feel.  It does sound like you are not getting the kind of interaction you want with him.  He needs to understand that.  Perhaps there is someone else that he knows that can sit him down and help him understand how you feel (a relative, parent, pastor, counselor).  Perhaps if he understands just how badly you feel he can take steps to change it.

No, I don't think you are mad.  It's possible that nobody ever sees the real you, because you don't show it to them.  It sounds like you have to put on a facade all the time to appear to be the perfect mother, wife and employee.  Let your guard down and allow people to see the real you.  They might love you even more!

Sometimes we develop ways of thinking to help protect us from potential rejection by others.  We may think people are untrustworthy, have ulterior motives, etc.  It keeps other people at bay and keeps us safe.  But it also makes us lonely.  If you want to establish closer relationships with others, you're going to have to take a risk, to put yourself out there, and be open to the possibility of getting hurt.  Intimacy involves being vulnerable.

Transferring to a new school can be tough.  Sometimes it takes a while for people to accept you, especially if they had close friendships from before.  First off, understand that friendships take time to form, so if they don't seem to connect with you right away, that may be perfectly normal.  You might also want to do things that can foster friendships with others, joining a club, sporting activity, or something else like that.  Finally, don't be too hard on others or yourself, if people feel like you are desperate to make friendships, they might inadvertently pull away.

I know I am starting this e-mail in a very awkward way but I have a point to raise about loneliness at least the one I am suffering from. Loneliness by choice. Despite the fact that I want to change it and I am suffering from it but I can't do anything about it simply because this kind of loneliness is the cost for being a believer. Did you ever come across something like this where people suffer because of their own believes that they know its 100% right? I am not a masochist who love to reflect pain on my self but the truth is that I have strong religious believe that clash with my own feelings or at least stop me from satisfying it.

I think its better to tell you a little about my self so you will understand what I mean. I am a 36 years old Arab, Muslim woman, highly educated with a PhD degree in biology. My problem can be summarized by saying that I have strong believes in my religion that led me to be and to feel lonely even if I am surrounded by others. I don't have problem what so ever with my family and I am the type that you described in your website by having secure attachment. I grow with a lovable family and my parents gave me and still give me all the love in the world. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister and 12 nieces and nephews where we follow the extended family life style.

So I am surrounded with people who I love and care for all the time. In work I am very popular and I have plenty of friends where I have no problems in making friends.

I am single and I don't believe in practicing sex before marriage and being in a middle eastern country I also believe that relationship between male and female is legal as long as they are on professional levels. so when I spoke about my friends they are mostly female.

I am feeling lonely because I need my other half. I want him desperately but in the same time I don't have any way of finding him more than waiting for some one to propose. and you can imagine in my age this is completely out of the question. Where I am not consider to be attractive from the point of view of the Arab men for two major reasons my age and for being highly educated

So if I don't start to look for a guy by myself no one will propose and since my believes prevent me from looking for my man then i am suffering horrible loneliness by choice but yet by no choice.

Thank you . (Dated 4/2/2008)

I agree with you that there are some people who are lonely by choice, for a variety of different reasons.

Another message along the same lines:

I'm really lonely...yet, I really don't want to be with people either. I just don't feel like I have the energy to make the effort right now. I'm content to take naps on the weekend and watch DVD's with my dog. Do you think this is maybe just a phase of my life? I used to be very social. Jennifer

What do you think is wrong with a person if they badly want to be around others, but just as often don't? Because that's how I've felt for several years. I feel like I'm forgetting how to talk (for instance, my everyday speech-grammar has been getting worse for the last three years, and I never know what to say in casual conversations, so I just stumble over words), so I often don't want to talk to anybody, but as painful as it often is for me to socialize, when the weekend comes and I have no plans for fun with anyone, I feel like I want to die. I know this isn't a simple question. But what does it mean? That I'm just afraid to decide who I really am — social, or antisocial? Any of your thoughts are appreciated. (Dated 3/31/2008)

There appear to be two competing forces working against each other within you.  On the one hand, it appears that you really do want to have meaningful, intimate contact with others, and when there isn't anyone there (like on the weekend) it becomes painful.  Loneliness is much like hunger, it's a need that wants to be fulfilled.  So without those relationships, it hurts very much like hunger.  On the other hand, you appear to have some difficulty functioning in interactions with others.  This is also a painful experience as well, trying to communicate and not being able to do so in a way you truly desire.  When these two forces compete, the pain of being alone and the pain of interacting, I think the pain of interacting wins.  It's far easier to be alone than it is to constantly try to interact with others.  I don't think you are antisocial, I just think that perhaps you need some help to interact with others.  Joining an online community might be a good start, since there is less pressure and you can take your time to formulate your sentences.

I'm 14 years old in 8th grade and am under a lot of stress. I got in trouble for some inappropriate text messages with a boyfriend a couple months ago and my mom took me out of public school. She cut off all of my connections to my old friends and life because "they were a bad influence on me." In the month I was out I emotionally attached myself to British music especially a specific band. I really want to know why I did this because I didn't do it on purpose. I've never been too much of an obsessive person before. After being out for a month my mom decided I could be put back into public school on some conditions: I have to make new friends, I can't hang out with my old ones, and etc. So with no other choice since I was so excited I agreed. I've been back in for awhile and I'm feeling really lonely. All my friends are out doing things and I can't go anywhere, talk to anyone outside of school, or anything. In the last week and a half I have started getting really Moody and I cry myself to sleep at noght for no reason. I can't figure out why all this is happening to me. I drown myself in music all the time. I always have my IPOD with me and it feels like it's the only thing I have anymore. And to put the icing on the cake my Mom told me tonight that her and my Dad are gonna try dating again after they have been divorced for about 14 years. I'm really lost and I'm not sure what I need to do. I have so much inside of me and only one person I can talk to and that's my grandma. I just think my life is going downhill and I want to know what it's gonna take to get me happy again. I haven't felt truly happy since around thanksgiving when I suffered a major heartbreak. I just think I'm too young for all of this stress and loneliness and I don't know how to cope with it. Can you please give me some advice? (Dated 3/16/2008)

You definitely have a lot going on.  There seems to be issues with changing schools and losing your friends, a recent heartbreak, being obsessed with music and a specific band, your relationship with your mom, and coping with the divorce of your parents.  Perhaps you are right, you are a bit too young to have to deal with all that stress and loneliness.  Unfortunately there are no easy answers to the issues you have to deal with.  One thing perhaps I can recommend is finding an older, wiser person you can confide in and who will give you the support and encouragement you need to make it through this turbulent part of your life.  It sounds like your grandma is one such person.  Perhaps open up to her more and see how she can help you and perhaps make things at home a little easier.  Is there a school counselor or teacher you can talk with as well at school?  The issues you faced aren't easily resolved but having a supportive, mature person to help you through it can make the burdens seem a whole lot lighter.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Lonely 19yr old Airmen (Dated 12/30/2007)

As a side note, there is a website called Incel, (http://www.incelsite.com) that talks about something called Involuntary Celibacy.  There can be a variety of reasons why you have difficult forming relationships with others, including a romantic relationship.  I'm not sure how much your appearance has to do with that, but there can be a variety of other reasons that make it difficult for people to establish relationships.  One possible one is social anxiety or the idea that people feel anxious in social situations.  As a result they tend to behave in ways that drive other people away (being quiet or shy, not responding to conversations, difficulty initiating conversations, etc).  So, I think the first step into creating the kinds of relationships you want is to figure out why you have difficulty constructing the relationships you desire.  In particular, you may want to find out what aspects of you make it difficult for other people to connect to you.  I doubt your looks or your lifestyle habits (non-drinker/non-smoker) as the biggest obstacles.  If you have access to a counselor or therapist who can help you explore these issues, it might be helpful in getting to you identity where the problem is where the solution might be.

The first problem is that you "keep it all in."  You are not supermom or superspouse, you need to rely on others just as much as others rely on you.  If you don't open up and share your problems and issues with others, then people aren't going to offer you any help.  So step 1 is asking others for help, open up, it's okay to feel down and to rely on others.

It feels like you are trapped in a situation you wish would be different.  The only suggestion I have is to try and sit him down and talk with him about how you feel and what you've been thinking.  Alternatively, you can try to get yourself involved in his world and let you in.  People won't change unless they want to change.  If you're not happy and he's not willing to change, then you need to think about how you wish to proceed with the relationship: either you need to change to accept that this is how things are or change the situation.

Being that dependent on a relationship may not be the healthiest thing for you or your relationship with your girlfriend in the long run.  Even though it might be difficult to do, stepping back, giving your girlfriend some more space, and learning to lean on your friends some more might be helpful.  It's possible that if you maintain this intense focus on her, the two of you might break up since she might feel overwhelmed with your attention and needs.  Having you step back will also make you be okay with her being out of town for a while or not being as available as you might want her to be sometimes.  The name of the game is balance, if you are too much one way or the other, it can stifle the relationship.

Your description definitely reminds me of the "lonely in a crowd" scenario.  That is, you are lonely despite being surrounded by people you interact with: your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, and co-workers.  The reason why people can feel lonely despite being surrounded by others, is that they desire a greater quantity/quality of friendships.  One of the areas you show this is in your relationships at your church.  You also describe feeling lonely within your family.  I think the quantity is there, I think the quality is what is missing.  How do you make high quality relationships?  To establish intimacy in a relationship, one of the most important components is self-disclosure.  People have to know more about you, and you have to tell them things, how you feel, what you are thinking, both about deeply profound matters and also about everyday events.  Maybe the people at your church want you to do something you cannot do...you need to open up and tell them this is a project you can't handle or you'd prefer to do something else, rather than accepting it and doing a lousy job at it.  Self-disclosure is a tough thing to do though, so doing it baby-steps at a time might help.  Start with little things to people you want closer relationships with and then build from there.

I lived in one town for 23 years and enjoyed my job and church. I had friends there but as time went on I socialized less and less. A big part of the reason for this was because I had a physical problem - overactive bladder. We moved to TN in 2006. We only lived there a year but I made lots of friends in our neighborhood and it was very unusual. My husband retired and wanted to move so I quit my job and went to TN. My husband did not like TN and we were far from our families (800 miles) so we finally decided to move to PA. This was 6 weeks ago. I am in the process of getting help for my physical problem - I may have to get an operation. I know this affects my work and social life - I'm always worried about having to use the bathroom too often and being embarrassed about it. Anyhow, I also feel that I have a problem about being around alot of people and that I am somewhat of a loner. I really need to have a least some time to myself every day. Anyhow, if you have a! ny ideas about this please let me know. We have been going to church since we got here and I have a cousin who lives nearby. Also, Monday I'm starting to substitute in the schools. (Dated 10/29/2007)

It sounds like you are relatively well adjusted and have a host of family and friends nearby.  Your physical problem maybe causing some of your isolation.  Have you looked to see if there are support groups in your area that are for people with an overactive bladder.  A good place to start looking is http://www.mentalhelp.net/selfhelp/  Hopefully if you can get the problem corrected you can feel more confident in social situations.

It sounds to me like you are contend with having a small group of people close to you, namely your family.  I'm not sure why you started feeling loneliness after you learned your son has autism or why you care what other people say (since you say you don't interact with them often).  My only guess is that your son's autism for some reason is fragmenting your family, which has been your source of support and intimacy.  If that is the case, you want to create activities, rituals that will help bind your family together again and resist outside influences that might be fragmenting your family.

I graduated from college at 19. I had started at 9 but we moved a lot so it took me 10 years to finish a BSc and an AA. I was able to force myself through with good grades, but after I graduated, I had no motivation to do anything. I knew that I needed to do something, but had no interest in anything. My degree is in Environmental Science so I wasn't able to get a good job when I graduated. I didn't pursue it very well either. I was extremely shy and I never found anything to really invest myself in. I didn't want to go to grad school because I had no interest in forcing myself to study anymore or being in school with people older than me again.

I wound up working for the family business until it died and then I got a lame summer job canvassing and sent myself back to school with the intention of taking a year of organic science and becoming a doctor. I did well the first semester and I felt really good because I thought I really wanted to be a doctor. Then, I joined a club on campus my 2nd semester and got very depressed when they stared at me and laughed when I was around and got a B average that semester. I got an A average my first semester. Then, I tried to make up for the B because my average from my BSc was so much better and I took too many classes and then got depressed and didn't study and had to drop the semester. I've been taking one fluff class a semester for a year since then, just to keep my job and now I think I wanted to want to be a doctor more than I actually wanted to be a doctor. I think back to when I was a kid and I was this bright person, always doing something and being interested in t! hings and I just want to scream because now, nothing holds any interest for me. I get up and go to work for the paycheck and then I come home and play online games, but it seems like even there, everyone pretty much already knows the people they play with and I just don't fit in.

So now, I am at this same sort of stage in my life as when I was 19, where I need to do something, but I don't really have any interest in anything. I am employable now and I do a good job, but I have no interest in the work. I forced myself through college by saying that there would be something better if I just got through, but I can't do that anymore. I don't see any possibilities for anything better than slogging through things I could care less about, alone.

All I really want is to fit in, to be in school or working or whatever with people my own age, which I've never done, and I feel like now that is too much to ask because I'm 26 and everyone else already has their friendships and their lives and all. I don't see myself being in a situation where anyone has to interact with me in any sort of friendly, nonprofessional way and no one really has any reason to do that anyway because of the religion thing. People of my religion don't like me either because they tend to be very insular and I moved around so much that I don't belong anywhere with them, especially those close to my age. It seems like the greater the possibility that anyone in general might have to hang out with me in a voluntary, friendly capacity, the more they actively reject my attempts to be friendly. I don't know how to fix this if there is a solution.

It's very depressing to think about feeling this unmotivated and being this cut-off for the rest of my life. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. (Dated 10/19/2007)

In one the studies I did that was posted on this website, I did a study analyzing poems about loneliness.  One of the common themes I found is that people reported having no direction or purpose.  They just seem to be floundering around.  Much of what you describe seems to be in the same vein.  Part of the reason for this I believe is because other people give us a sense of meaning and purpose.  Part of who were are and how we define ourselves is based on the people around us.  So, if we are not connected with anyone or don't have anyone to give us that sense of purpose, sometimes we can feel lost, without direction or purpose.  You mention that you are in an unpopular religion which people can acknowledge by looking at you.  I'm wondering if you can't get involved in your religious community more, at least there you will be accepted (I'm assuming).  I'm sure there might be activities, volunteer opportunities or other such things that you can get involved in, maybe to give you a sense of purpose and a feeling that you are making a meaningful contribution.  Alternatively, if you are not or do not feel a part of your religious community or of your religion then perhaps it is time to change so you can fit more in the mainstream.  It doesn't make sense be ostracized for something if you don't believe in it.

I feel extremely lonely and worthless sometimes. I've had a lot of "friends" who ended up doing things like not return phone calls, forget about me and/or plans we've made, take advantage of me, or find better people to hang out with. I've become so withdrawn from everybody - there can be times when I go days without talking to anybody except my mom on the phone. It doesn't help that I flounder in social situations, and have seemed to lose any conversational skills I once had. I just don't know how to behave normally or carry a good conversation any more. It's like I withdraw into my mind to avoid interacting with others and risking getting hurt.

I know I have to put myself out there and try to meet new people. In my head, I consciously tell myself that there's no reason to worry about people judging me or embarassing my self in social situations, because in reality, I really don't care much what others think- but then anxiety subconsciously kicks in and I freeze up. And then no one takes interest in me. There's always someone else more interesting they'd rather talk to or hang out with.

I feel like I'm slipping further and further away from everybody. I don't know how to help myself anymore. Is there anything I can by myself to boost my self-esteem, confidence, and social skills? I'm thinking about volunteering, but I can never push myself to actually go through with a plan. I don't know what to do anymore. (Dated 10/18/2007)

Part of social anxiety is an underlying feeling that you will be rejected in social situations.  You seem to assume a lot that people don't want to be friends with you, they don't return your phone calls, forget about you when making plans or find "better" people to hang out with.  Sometimes when we have been rejected in the past, we get very sensitive to rejection.  We pick up on every little cue that seems to suggest that someone is no longer interested.  That can do two things, first it can provoke your anxiety and second, it can make people hesitate to talk or be friends with you.  Certainly try again to make friends with others, but give people some space to initiate things as well.

Many times we often think that we aren't doing anything that will indirectly push people away.  I think most people can understand how being grumpy and rude can turn people off.  However, ironically the opposite is true to, sometimes being too friendly, too open, too available, or too needy can also drive people away too.  As you acknowledged in your message, it's not your looks and it's not the fact that you have a kid (although these things can sometimes play a factor).  It's got to be something else, so maybe it has something to do with how you are in relationships with prospective men (on dates and otherwise).  You mention being afraid and shy and also losing hope of finding someone.  I certainly don't think you are doomed to live the rest of your life like that.  But other people can pick up on these things even if you don't deliberately make it known and depending upon how it is expressed, it can also drive people away.  One of my suggestions might be to ask your friends to give you honest feedback about things that you do that might be off-putting to potential suitors.  Sometimes it's hard to see ourselves objectively, maybe your friends might be able to give you some insight into it. 

It sounds like school keeps you distracted and gets your mind off of your loneliness.  I suspect you have an underlying problem that is generating your feelings of loneliness.  Somehow you are not getting the kind of (or quality of) relationship that you desire.  School and other activities can help temporarily relieve these feelings, but you need to directly address the issue as well.

It sounds like you are in a tough situation, things don't seem too good at home and also difficult to make friends outside of the home.  I think that this age is particularly hard because you are sometimes forced to be in situations (such as being home) that can be destructive.  In spite of it all though, it sounds like you are trying to keep a positive attitude and realizing that you love yourself but may hate the things going on in your life right now.  It's also great that you are seeing therapists currently.  When people are lonely because they are stuck in situations they cannot change, the thing to focus on is how you cope with your loneliness and situations that cause you to feel lonely.  You may want to try to find some hobby or interest that can help take your mind away from your current situation and help you build something positive and creative.  You seems like you have one or two close friends.  Sometimes it's not so much how much friends you have but how good those friendships are.  Maybe you want develop these friends as well, disclose more to them, deepen the bonds with them.  For a long-term plan, you may want to think about how you are going to progress and move yourself out of the situation that you are in.

i hope that my suggestion will help all those who complain to you, that they feel lonely.

(Dated 7/27/2007)

I am a 37 year old woman who was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder at the age of 19. Since then I have seen 3 well known physicians in top research hospitals for combinations of traditional therapy, cognitive therapy and prescription medication (including Nardil) There was little to no effect, no matter how hard I tried to change my thinking. So I am now 37 and just so desperately lonely. I haven't had a "friend" since elementary school and have only had a couple of boyfriends. I am so lonely that sometimes it actually feels like a physical pain. I feel beyond hope and have times when I wonder why I continue on when there are pain-free ways of ending my emotional pain forever. I can't stand the idea of sitting alone and lonely anymore. I'm so very lost.  (Dated 7/5/2007)

First of all, I have to commend you on getting this far.  I think it's fabulous that you've gone to physicians, sought help, and held on, refusing to give up.  That is great!  Without knowing more about you or your situation it is hard for me to say or recommend anything.  Since the problem has persisted for such a long time, there is probably some underlying cause that is pretty resistant to change.  Have you tried joining support groups in addition to your therapy?  Often support groups can help in ways that formal medical treatments can not.  You can try the following website: http://mentalhelp.net/selfhelp/ to locate a possible self-help/support group in your area dealing with Social Anxiety Disorder.  On my links page I also list some support for Social Phobia, including an online Social Phobia community.  You can also join my discussion group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/webofloneliness/ 

It's hard to lose the ones we love as we get older.  It seems to be like you have been very close to your family and relied on them for much of your emotional and intimacy needs.  Learning to transition from a close-knit family to 'outside' people can be very difficult and daunting.  The first step would probably be to put yourself in situations where you can met new people and interact with them.  I would suggest places where you will find people with similar interests to you.  Once you do that, your next step will be learning to start trusting people outside of your family, taking small steps at a time.   Joining a new community group or picking up a new social hobby might help.  Find a few people you think you can be friends with and then over time slowly disclose more of yourself to them.  If you want to establish friendships with others, it usually means you're the one that going to have to make the first step.

There are multiple websites that list mental health professionals.  It's a pity that your insurance does not cover mental health professionals.  If they did, they would generally have a list of mental health professionals in your area that you can go seek counseling.  Some mental health professionals might be willing to charge less if you don't have insurance for mental health professionals.  Assuming you are located in the U.S. two good websites are: http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/ (a government database containing mental health services) and http://psychcentral.com  If you locate someone you might be interested in, you can let them know your situation and hear what they recommend.

The secret with anxious/ambivalent individuals is that they try way too hard in relationships.  They try too hard to get it started, they try too hard to keep it going, and they try too hard to stop it from ending.  Ironically, the harder you try to keep a relationship, the more it is going to slip through your fingers.  People usually don't like when the other person is overbearing and paranoid (wandering if things are 'okay').  It sounds like you can find people to form attachments with but have difficulty keeping them.  Next time, don't try so hard, wait for them to initiate some of the interactions, stop thinking that rejection is around the corner.  Believe me, it will go a long way to improving the relationship.

You have reached a new point in your life that requires you to re-invent yourself.  When you were raising your girls, you were the mom, you had things to do, places to go, and people to interact with.  Now that they are all grown and (I assume) moved out of the house, your job as mom changes and you as a person changes.  You need to find a new purpose for yourself, find something else you can throw your energies in and help with.  If you can do that, you can continue to live successfully and move forward.

Why do we feel lonely in a crowd?  Because we lack the intimacy and connection that we desire.  There are things inside of us, things we feel, things we think, that we would like to share to others, but there is no one for us to turn to.  So whether we are alone or in a crowd of people, we still have these terrible pangs of loneliness.  Because we can become so isolated with just our own thoughts and feelings, we can feel like a freak and that people dislike us.  Lots of lonely people often express these thoughts.  The good news is that (I honestly believe) that most of what we think and feel about others is wrong, completely wrong.  People usually haven't formed much of an opinion about us, or sometimes, would like to talk to us, but think that we are the ones being 'offish'.  So, having a real friend would help, one person can make such a difference.  One of the first steps you need to take is to stop thinking that people think you are a freak or that they dislike you.  Assume instead that people are genuinely interested in you and then make some effort to share things about yourself with them.  Joining a parenting group is always nice, because new moms always have lots to talk about.  Nothing is wrong with you, you just need to change your thinking and move forward!

Loneliness is a subjective emotion, which means that whether you feel lonely or not depends to some degree on what you want and what you have.  It sounds like you want a romantic relationship and there is no prospect of that on the horizon.  As a result you feel lonely.  So the way I see it, you have two choices, you can either get a romantic relationship or change your expectation of desiring a romantic relationship.  While friendships are no substitute for a romantic relationship, they can provide for a lot of the same emotional needs that a romantic relationship provides.  Perhaps finding some single friends you can mingle with can help cope with your present situation.

It's hard to tell.  If you think that your boyfriend does not respect you and is just treating you like a piece of meat, then perhaps it's time to move on.

I don't know if it is 'normal' or not, but it does happen.  There is no magic relationships where one person's needs exactly match up with the other person's.  Marriage, like any worthwhile endeavor, takes work.  I think the important thing is that you keep communication open between you and your husband.  If your needs are not being met then you need to let him know.  Have an open conversation about it with them, and just explain yourself and what you feel.  One of the biggest obstacles to overcoming loneliness is a lack of communication, if we can't communicate with each other, then we cannot be intimate, and we cannot overcome our loneliness.

I'm sure there is, but that is probably just a temporary solution to your problem and potentially a dangerous temporary solution.  The better approach would be to seek help, professional help if need be, to help you understand why you are still be a virgin and why being a virgin is such a deplorable state for you.  To get rid of the pain, you need to stop it at the source, not at the surface.

Ah, a question about my intervention program, how nice!  My dissertation contains a pretty complete description of the group and also it's effectiveness.  You can get a copy of my dissertation at: http://www.webofloneliness.com/publications/dissertation.pdf  The pilot I did was very successful, showing decreases in loneliness and other variables such as depression.  The program itself is a seven-week psycho-educational program, with weekly meetings.  It is like a therapy group.

Okay, step 1, get rid of the idea that there is no solution to your problem, if you give up before you start fighting, then you aren't going to win.  Step 2, there is no magic involved in people who can attract other people, all it is, is a set of skills, a group of behaviors.  What you need to do is learn what you are doing wrong, and what they are doing right, and that will start you on the road to figuring out how to attract people to you.

It sounds like the last half of your marriage has been particularly stressful and disheartening for you.  It also sounds like you and your husband want different things out of your marriage, which in part is resulting in your unhappiness.  It's a pity that your individual and couple counseling have not been more successful in helping you through this problem.  I also acknowledge that if 7 years of dissatisfaction and counseling have not been helpful, I'm not sure how helpful I can be either.  Perhaps a good first step might be getting more friends and start focusing on you some more.  Maybe you can get involved in a group in your community; such as a church group, volunteer group, a class, etc.  It sounds like outside of your marriage it is also pretty isolating, so maybe developing that area of your life might be a good stepping stone to a more permanent solution to your dilemma.

Quite possibly.  Loneliness is associated with feelings of isolation and lack of intimacy.  Sometimes people have terrible secrets, such as being in an abusive relationship, that they cannot share with others.  Keeping this secret can create feelings of loneliness within that person.  If you are in an abusive relationship, my suggestion is to get help, call the relevant hotline in your community, talk to a trust friend, religious leader, etc.  Letting the secret out to people you can trust is the first step to disarming feelings of loneliness.

I've seen lonely people be very successful at starting friendships, but they reach a point in their friendship where things just don't seem to progress.  There could be several reasons why that is the case.  The underlying reason is related to something the person is doing that causes the relationship to stagnate.  Perhaps you might want to approach some of your friends and ask them (in a kind, nonjudgmental way) why they think the relationship has not progressed further.  Getting some feedback might be useful in helping you understand what things you can do to help improve your relationships.

Sometimes when we are down in the blues, such as how you described, it is very easy to focus on ourselves and our problems.  Quite naturally we turn to our friends for help, and I think our friends try their best to comfort us for as long as they can.  But friends aren't therapists, if they keep hearing about your problems all the time, it may become burdensome for them.  Friendships are reciprocal, so maybe you may want to take a break from your problems for a bit and focus on them, see how they are going, what they are up to, etc.  The name of the game is balance, it's unreasonable to ask your friends to help you bear your emotional burdens all the time, there's got to be some give and take.

This sounds very much like social phobia or social anxiety.  You describe feeling a lot of anxiety and it would probably do you some good to get some help with it.  Maybe a good place to start is, making an appointment with a therapist or counselor, writing down your thoughts/problems/feelings (much like what you do here) and either reciting it back to the therapist at your first meeting, or simply giving him/her your writings so you don't have to say anything.  Whatever strategy you use, you need to build up enough courage to take the first step to get help.  There's medication that can be prescribed that can reduce your feelings of anxiety, you can talk with a therapist and explore your sexual identity, and why you think  you might be experiencing these feelings of anxiety.

Sean, I've been battling feelings of depression all my adult life. Recently its become a battle against loneliness as well..Thats why I've gone on the web.......to read more about this and your self-help guide seems good sense. My problem is that I can't cope with being on my own. At the moment, I go back to an empty flat after work ( my girlfriend works a late shift ).Immediately I feel a terrible sense of loneliness and depressive feelings float in, feelings that I'm somehow a failure because I'm on my own and not sharing with others a " normal " life.......I'm 52 and never had children.I try to alleviate it by cooking or playing guitar, watching TV etc.but can't shake of that feeling of doom....... I pick the girlfriend up at ,say, midnight, but often in a bad mood..I know I shouldn't " externalise " and blame others but it happens half the time. I guess I feel abandoned. The minute we're back at the flat I feel " normal " and happy and chatty etc.......and life feels great...I just dread those evening hours alone.I've talked the issue through with her because she obviously wonders whats going on....but she has to work these hours because she's working " illegally " and doesn't yet have any papers and needs her job to stay afloat....plus I wouldn't wish her to change because its me thats unhappy and not her ! Thanks for your time Sean.and keep up the great work. (Dated 10/25/2006)

It sounds like this might be a case more of situational loneliness, where for those few hours loneliness become prevalent.  There are two general approaches to coping with loneliness, one approach is where the person does activities that focus on himself/herself, and the other approach is doing things that cause the person to extend beyond themselves.  It seems like you need to change your coping behaviors, perhaps to more active behaviors.  Pick up a real hobby that is going to require you to think hard, or is physically strenuous.  Watching TV or fiddling around on the guitar may still be relatively passive, so you may want to take it up a notch.

Loneliness is a very subjective experience, what may be lonely for one person, may be perfectly acceptable for another.  Alternatively, what may have once been acceptable for you, may be no longer acceptable.  To answer your question specifically, if it feels like loneliness then it probably is loneliness.  There might be other things going on as well (whether it's your biological clock or something else).  In fact the two are not mutually exclusive.  Your biological clock ticking may in fact be causing you to feel lonely.  The basic idea is that loneliness occurs because you want more social interaction than you actually have.  When you were 19, and happy with being by yourself, you weren't lonely because you had all the social interaction you needed.  Now at 29, you are beginning to experience feelings of loneliness because your expectations have changed and you desire more social interaction than you presently have.  Whether it's your biological clock or something else that changed your expectation, it's hard for me to say.

Some of us have become very good at hiding our loneliness and how we feel.  I don't think though it's a skill we develop like playing chess or football.  I think it's a deep-seated fear we have, a fear of rejection.  If this "secret" ever got out, what would people think of us, surely, we would look crazy!  Irrational fears are difficult to overcome.  The first step on that journey I believe, is looking at some of the irrational thoughts underlying our irrational fears.  Are we really going to be rejected in every situation?  Take our discussion group for example.  I don't think the people in there are going to reject you.  You have to realize that your thoughts are not rational, you have to give people a chance.  Try by taking baby steps, reveal a little bit about yourself at a time and see how people react.  If it feels good and safe, then try another step or two.  Little by little you can get more comfortable with revealing yourself to others.  Try your baby steps in a safe place, like the discussion group where you know there's less likely a chance that people will reject you.

This is a really difficult question to answer.  Sometimes when we are alone we can get wrapped up in our own thoughts and feelings, which can lead into a vicious cycle of bitterness and frustration.  My guess is you may be experiencing some of this.  The only way out of the cycle is to do things to rupture the cycle.  You might want to seek some professional help.  Being able to talk about how you feel and what you are thinking is a very good mechanism for breaking such vicious cycles.  On a lesser side, you may also want to try to get involved in things that will get you out of the house, may be join a class involving something you are interested in.  Doing that will give you a chance to meet other people and allow you to see that not everyone is terrible.

Things may certainly feel that way!  One thing common among the lonely is this thinking that people cannot be trusted, that they will hurt you, and inevitably it's probably better to go on alone.  And the thinking may very well be justified, there may have been people that have hurt us in the past.  I think it's important though to acknowledge a few things.  One, there are people out there who are shallow and thoughtless.  Two, not every human being out there is thoughtless and shallow, in fact there might be more caring people out there than you are willing to acknowledge.  Three, if you think people are shallow and thoughtless, then not surprisingly, people are going to appear shallow and thoughtless.  As humans we have an uncanny knack for seeing what we want to see rather than what is really out there.  That in turn influences our behavior and our behavior in turn influences others.  So for example, if we had a date with someone, and they called at the last minute to cancel because they had an emergency, we could assume several things.  We could assume they really had an emergency and will probably go out again with us at some later point.  Alternatively we could assume (for illustrative purposes) that they are going on a date with someone else and just dumped us in the process.  If we assumed the first, we might remain open to going out with them again, perhaps calling them later to reschedule.  If we assumed the second, we might accuse them of something which was not true.  In turn, they get defensive and pull away from us.  The end result was our negative thing created a negative situation and reinforced our negative thinking.  

It might be difficult to do but changing our thinking may definitely help in changing our situation.  Sure there are terrible people out there, but not everyone is terrible, we need to some degree to keep an open mind and an open heart.

The horror of what she did to me, the betrayal, is still stinging me. I took another job which is very good, and I have left the industry spotlight where I was. She has stolem it from me thorugh whatever tactics, I am not sure, but it was all very mysterious how I was suddenly "out" of a couple of clients and she was suddenly "in".

I must be crazy, but I can't get over her. I loved her so much and taught her so much and sacrificed so much and then she left me and betrayed me.

Why can't I let go? Why do I long for things to be even close to where they were again? How could I be so ready to forgive and so unable to let go?

I don't understand it, but I still love her and still long to see her smiling face and see her look at me with admiration again. I just loved the heck out of her. (Dated 9/17/2006)

I'm not sure I can answer this question entirely. My best bet is that she was able to provide you with something you are still yet to find again. The feelings associated with falling in love are definitely powerful and "euphoric." People also tend to idealize the relationship especially when the relationship ends when they didn't want it to end. My recommendation would be perhaps that you might want to reflect on your feelings about the relationship and about the woman in general. What was it about her that you liked? Why did you like that about her? What needs did she satisfy for you? When you think about her now, what things specifically do you miss about her? The fact that you keep looking back at the past suggests that there is something there that still needs to be resolved. If you think this is becoming problematic for you, especially to the point where it is affecting your daily routines, you should probably seek the help of a professional therapist or counselor. A professional might be able to help you explore your feelings more to understand where they are coming and how to deal with it.

Anyway, my problem is this. I have created a fantasy world for myself. I was so relieved to see this mentioned in your pages as I really thought there was something wrong with me. For the past 4 years I've been living in some sort of alternate universe in my head. I have friends and relationships in this fantasy, and even just do day to day things. Its become so consuming that my real life is practically empty. Why should I go out and do things when they come so much easier in my head? The trouble is that this fantasy world I've created is so good and fulfilling that I'm reluctant to try and make friends in the real world. I managed a couple of times in the past 4 years to start building friendships when I was lucky enough to get talking to people, but they just never matched up to the people in my head who I can converse with easily. I feel like I live through my imagination, and so real people are never going to feel right again. At one point I started to date someone, but couldnt feel anything for them because I felt I was cheating on my 'virtual' boyfriend, who of course could be anything I wanted him to be.

I know that this isnt healthy, and that the older I get I really need to get a real life, but I'm reluctant to when I'm quite happy with my fantasy. I've tried to kill the 'me' in my head, as I think she's such an idealistic version of myself that it puts too high expectations on me for when I'm REALLY living. But I find myself in real distress when I try not to fantasise anymore as its my world now.

This is a coping mechanism that has just gone too far.

Do you have any advice? Or is there anywhere I can read more about this method of coping with loneliness as it intrigues me. (Dated 9/17/2006)

Hi there. When I write about rumination on my website I had never envisioned it to the extent that you are describing. There sounds like there are a bunch of mitigating factors that influenced the degree of fantasizing as you described, such as your severe depression, and your health issues and resultant isolation. I think it's great that you acknowledged that perhaps the degree of your fantasizing is not healthy and you have taken steps to try and do something about it. I believe though that when something is having more control of you than you have control over it, some degree of professional assistance is required. You mentioned getting over your depression but you didn't say how. If you've seen a professional therapist perhaps you want to revisit him/her to discuss the issue you are having presently. If you haven't seen a professional therapist, my recommendation is to see one. A therapist might be able to help you work through this issue you have, maybe show you links between the hold your fantasy world has on you and your real world. I don't know any popular reading material on coping with loneliness, particular fantasizing. There might be some general books on the topic of coping but I haven't read any that I can recommend.

An additional contribution by another visitor in a similar situation:

I just read the question by the 20-year-old university student in September of last year. I, too, have been fantasizing more and more as time has gone by. I am in an intolerable situation, and this just seems to be a way for me to be able to cope with it.

I have a variety of health and neurological problems which I won't take the time to go into, except to say that I've been tested for them and they're very real. I look normal, though, and I spent years before I was diagnosed hiding my problems as best I could from the world. My family didn't believe there was anything wrong with me. I dropped out of high school after five years of being unable to get passing grades in some classes. Employers fired me sooner or later for being too sick and for not being able to do some things because of the (at that time) undiagnosed neurological problems. I didn't date all through school, and I didn't have any friends. I also have hearing and visual problems that can't be corrected because they're neurological instead of physical, which makes it extremely difficult to socialize.

I eventually got married, but my in-laws didn't really believe I was sick, and still don't, even though I've now been diagnosed. All of my husband's friends eventually 'dumped' us. I don't have a job due to disability and we're extremely poor. I don't have a car, and live in a rural area, so I can hardly ever leave the house. The relationship with my husband has turned sour--he has a wife who can't work, who his family feels is lazy, who his friends don't want anything to do with, and who gets sick for days or weeks at a time over and over again. I can't leave because I've lost my Social Security benefits recently and I have no way to support myself and my children. I'm also afraid to leave my husband alone with my children because he would let his very abusive father spend time alone with them--a man who has repeatedly beat people so badly that they've had broken bones. My husband doesn't beat me, but only because he knows I'd call the police. I've tried over and ov!
er to find some way to support myself, and I'm still looking, but no luck so far.

I am completely isolated. I don't have anything to look forward to. I recently had more neuroligical testing and discovered that my IQ is extremely high. People around me don't realize how intelligent I am--with the neurological problems I have, I suppose I just don't appear all that intelligent. I have tried for years to be cheerful, and I've tried to be what people want me to be, but it hasn't done any good. My husband doesn't understand why I want to read books and play music once in a while, so I only do these things in secret. Otherwise it's cooking and cleaning and laundry. I've just in the last couple of years given up on people. I don't see how I can be expected to trust anyone again after forty years of trying and failing to make friends.

I have fought the despair and anger pretty well, but I've found that I just can't continue to live in this situation. So I pretend the situation doesn't exist. I pretend that I have a different husband, and friends who visit. I pretend to know people who read books and enjoy music. I pretend to be in different places, with different people. I do definitely know the difference between reality and fantasy, and I don't talk to my 'imaginary friends' in front of other people, or my chidren. These children are the one bright spot in my life, and I try to be the very best mother I can to them. I hope I'm setting an example for them of how to hold your head up and carry on in spite of it all.

If I end one fantasy, which might last for a week or so, I find myself back in this horrible situation, and soon I am back fantasizing again. I've recently gotten to the point where I just don't care if I'm supposed to be honest with the people around me or not, or if I'm supposed to be trying to live in the real world. I've always had an active imagination--it seems to be my only outlet. Perhaps this is the kind of situation that fantasy was invented for--to keep people like me from giving in to the horror of being powerless. (Dated 5/18/2006)

This sounds like a very tough situation. It sounds like you're being a good friend by trying to get her to do some positive things like get her GED or take her away from potentially dangerous situations. My initial guess is that there are some deep seated emotional issues that she has not dealt with that is influencing her behavior. It may also be possible that there are things in her current situation that is reinforcing her negative behaviors. I know you want to you help but you have to acknowledge the limitations of what you can do as a friend. Getting her to change her behavior may be a bit out of your reach. Maybe you can encourage her to get help from resources that maybe available in your community. Perhaps you can get her to see a therapist or religious minister or counselor of some type. You can try to encourage her to join different types of self-help groups that might be applicable to her situation. Getting her to realize that she needs help and having her obtain it is my best idea.

I don't have much to say.  I think you are definitely on the right track trying to find some volunteer activities that would help take up some of your time and give you the opportunity to meet other people.  I don't know how helpful this website will be, but you can try it to see if it lists any further volunteer opportunities for you http://www.volunteermatch.org/  Perhaps you need to broaden your search for volunteer opportunities.

here is the question should I continue to tough it out and let the world take my kindness away or become as mean and as nasty as the average bible thumping beer guzzling pig dog american? (Dated 8/16/2006)

The other thing is your expectations.  In our society, loneliness and romantic relationships are so closely tied together that we often assume that if we don't have a romantic relationship we must be lonely or vice versa.  Romantic relationships can provide a big source of intimacy, but friendships can also do that too at some level.  Perhaps you may also want to think about broadening your friendship base or deepening the friendships you already have.  Friends can be a great source of support in romantic relationship woes as well.

So don't give up!  The idea here is, if one thing doesn't work try something else.  Try to see things from other people's perspectives and maybe that might help you be more successful.

While compulsive spending and weight problems may be due to a variety of different factors, loneliness is one of them.

It's hard for me to say what someone else might be thinking or why they might have forgotten you.  Some general words of advice would be first, to approach the situation with an open mind, don't assume that a person is upset with you or forgot you on purpose or something else like that.  Second, communicate deeply and honestly with the other person without placing blame (like "how could you forget me").  Express how you feel ("I am sad that you forgot about me") and ask non-judgmental questions of the other person.  If you want to know why they are the way they are after three years, you'll have to ask them.

Most definitely!  Western culture places a heavy emphasis on being in a romantic relationship, and relying on that relationship as the main (if not sole) source of intimacy for a person.  To be single, especially by choice, may seem to people to be odd, and almost by definition a lonely existence.  Perhaps your friends are worried that you might feel left out since everyone else would be "paired up" except you.  I don't think they are trying to reject you on purpose, but perhaps they may see it as doing you a favor?  In any case, it would make a good dinnertime discussion with your friends!  They might not even realize what they're doing.

I had a little trouble understanding exactly what the "question" was here.  One of the issues I suspect is going on here is a basic lack of communication between you and your children.  Even when people have relationships with others, even seemingly close relationships, such as between married partners or a parent and his/her kids, there can still be feelings of loneliness.  The key behind some of this loneliness maybe the lack of communication.  By communication here I mean more than the simple "hellos" and "goodbyes" that we routine give others, or the "how was your day," etc.  The communication here is a lot deeper, really getting to the thoughts and feelings you have and they have, without accusing one another of anything.  This is a tremendously difficult thing to do, we all like to protect ourselves from being open and vulnerable.  Being able to get that conversation going between you and your children would go a long way in helping to improve your relationship with them.

I would also suggest some of type of professional intervention, a therapist, or minister, etc.  A professional maybe able to help you communicate with your children in a constructive fashion to begin improving your relationships with them.

Hi Jeny,

Thanks for your wonderful comments.  To answer your question, right now there is no place where you can forward the website to others.  I had two services previously to do this, but both of them disappeared and I haven't found a good *free* service to replace them.  If you or anyone else reading this knows of a good service I can use, email me (sean@webofloneliness.com), and I'll check them out.  For now, I guess you'll just have to copy the URL and email them manually...sorry.

Hi Susan,

It seems like you are experiencing some degree of social anxiety.  In some cases social anxiety is caused by "faulty thinking."  Much of what you describe here seems to be based around this idea that you assume you will be or are rejected in social situations.  Very often, if we have been rejected a lot in the past, we generally tend to assume that in whatever social situation we are in, we will be rejected.  Thus, even when other people are not rejecting us, we may assume they are.  For example, we might send an email to a friend, and they may not respond for sometime, and we automatically assume they are rejecting us, when in fact they might have just been busy and didn't have time to respond.  Sometimes people might say things in conversations that we assume are rejecting when in fact they are not.  I think this is part of your intense self-consciousness that you describe.  It can also cause a lot of anxiety, because you automatically think that you will get rejected and thus you may start avoiding social situations.

You said that you tend to take these things very personally, and feel like you're worthless.  Well, you're not worthless, perhaps just "jumping the gun" too many times.  You need to be aware of your thinking processes in social situations and correct your thinking.  Give people more time to respond, or instead of assuming that people are rejecting you, you might want to find out what's going on with them; perhaps they have a legitimate reason why they haven't responded.  Give them (and yourself) more credit.

Another important factor to consider is how your behavior affects how others react to you.  When you start acting like others are rejecting you, it can have the effect that people start rejecting you because of how you are acting.  So perhaps, if someone tries to talk with you, but you don't say very much because you assume they will reject you, they might stop talking to you, simply because it becomes hard to have a conversation with you.  Or if you left a voice message for a friend, and they take some time to respond, so you keep calling them to find out what's going on, they might stop talking to you, simply because you've become too demanding.  You might be very important to these people, it is just that it might be difficult to talk to you.  Again, by correcting the way you think and therefore act, it can have a positive impact on others.  Others may feel more inclined to talk with you if you are easier to talk to.

I hope this helps. 

It sounds like part of your problem is that you fear making friends.  This fear usually occurs because people have been hurt in past relationships and are afraid of being hurt again.  There is usually an intense feeling that they will be rejected again and thus experience anxiety and fear in social situations.  Coming to the realization that this fear is to some degree irrational (not everyone is going to reject or hurt you) helps in disarming this fear and being able to construct relationships with others.  This fear is probably hindering you from making real connections that will help to alleviate your feelings of loneliness.  Exploring why you feel this way will help in removing this barrier to make friends and may require you to see a professional (therapist or counselor or minister).  You can also do some of your own research, reading books, searching the Internet, and doing some of your own introspection.  The important thing is learning to disarm your fear and any of these sources can help.

If your fear is not crippling, you can try joining some type of community group in your area, perhaps in an area you are interested in, like gardening, or cooking, or something like that.  Your husband has his activity, perhaps you need to find an activity of your own.  There you can begin to form friendships with others, maybe starting with superficial things and slowly building the friendship.  Doing volunteer type activities is also another good outlet as well.

What you are feeling is very common and people have been able to get through this.  The important thing is not to give up but to find constructive ways of dealing with your fear and building relationships.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. The Dance of Connection by Harriett Goldhor Lerner (other books by Lerner also good)
   
   
2. The Loneliness Workbook: A guide to Developing and Maintaining Lasting Connections by Mary Ellen Copeland.
   
   
3. In Search of Intimacy by Carin Rubenstein and Phillip Shaver
   
   
4. Intimate Connections by David Burns (other books by David Burns are also good)

For more academic oriented books, a few suggestions are:

1. L. A. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.). Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy.  New York: John Wiley and Sons. 1982.
   
   
2. M. Hojat & R. Crandall (Eds.). Loneliness: Theory, research and applications. Newbury Park, California: Sage Publications. 1989.
   
   
3. K. J. Rotenberg & H. Shelley (Eds.).  Loneliness in childhood and adolescence. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press. 1999.