In a previous section I had described some other research that
suggested several ways in which individuals cope with loneliness. There is
some overlap between what was said there and what will be said here.
However, these give more specific examples and in some cases unique
examples of how individuals cope with loneliness.
The desire for someone.
The most frequent way that people coped with feelings of loneliness, as
mentioned in the poems, was by imagining having someone there. In some
cases it was romanticized, having the knight in shining armor coming to
rescue them from their loneliness, or having the perfect lover or friend.
In other cases though, it was just something more general, just to have
someone there to share our thoughts and feelings with, having someone to
care. Yet in other cases, the object of affection was very specific, and
in such cases the poet was imagining that particular object of affection
there next to them, picturing their face, their smell or their presence.
All cases required that dreaming of that special someone, fantasizing in
an attempt to fill the void of loneliness.
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Crying. The
second most frequent activity reported was crying. Pain is usually
accompanied by tears, therefore loneliness would also be accompanied by
tears.
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Hiding feelings.
Some lonely individuals cope with loneliness through hiding their
feelings. In some cases it seemed to me as if the revelation of their
feelings would result in ridicule or rejection. In other cases it seemed
as if it were culturally inappropriate to reveal any sign of weakness like
loneliness. Poets described being an actor or a "professional
faker", wearing different masks so that people will not know what is
going on underneath. It was also often described their experiences as a
secret, like their "secret loneliness" or their "secret
tears".
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Inactivity.
Loneliness is also associated with periods of inactivity, such as lying in
bed, sitting and thinking, curled up in a ball, etc. I feel that during
the periods of inactivity, lonely individuals are deeply within their
minds, either fantasizing about their perfect companion, or fantasizing
about some other obsession (see next entry), or trying to make sense of
their loneliness. In the feelings associated with loneliness
section, I
described that lonely individuals feel that they are lost or
confused,
having no direction or purpose. Very often in the poems, there would be
the question of why me, why do I experience loneliness, what have I done
to have this curse lain upon me. I feel that lonely individuals do spend
quite a bit of time trying to make sense of their reality, trying to come
to grips with this thing called loneliness. And doing this requires these
periods of inactivity.
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Withdrawal and
fantasizing. Loneliness has also been associated with
daydreaming. I think that when the outside reality is too painful to live
in, we can construct quite comprehensive, interior fantasy worlds. In
these fantasy worlds we construct heroes and villains, we have our
mythical stories to tell. We deny our outside reality, to live in an
internal reality. Lonely individuals describe being able to pull into
themselves, to escape from the present world, to go to a fantasy world, a
dream world, an illusion. This interior world is our own little safety net
in which we exist. Sometimes it becomes manifest in the books we read or
the games we play, things to help fuel our interior fantasy world. At the
same time both highly creative and highly destructive.
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Suicide Ideation.
While some lonely individual may deal with the pain of loneliness by
diving into a fantasy world, other individuals may think that their only
way out is through death. Death is the only escape to loneliness. In my
descriptions of the feelings associated with
loneliness, I also described
that there can be feelings of being out of
control. That is, that
loneliness seems to have a life of its own and can trap us into feeling
lonely all the time, that it is inescapable. It is no wonder therefore
that some of us can feel like the only way we can overcome loneliness is
to commit suicide. I WOULD STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT ANYONE WHO IS FEELING
THIS WAY, TALK TO SOMEONE ESPECIALLY A COUNSELOR OR PROFESSIONAL WHO CAN
HELP THEM DEAL WITH THESE EMOTIONS. Loneliness can be overcome, even if
you feel like you cannot escape it, there is a way out, others have done
it before you and you can too.
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Religion.
Religious coping is another way of dealing with loneliness. And it is not
necessarily as elaborate as you think. In some instances, poets have made
simple exclamations, like "oh god", and others have just being
praying for help, praying for the perfect person to come into their life,
praying for a miracle. Yet others have advocated a stronger use of
religion claiming that for them it has help them to overcome their
loneliness.
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Sleep. The last
notable coping strategy that I found in my analysis of the poems is
sleeping. Some people use sleeping as a means of escaping their
loneliness. Sometimes it was in the hopes that tomorrow or whenever they
wake up again will be better that what went before.
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