resignation

resignation sets in I feel I’ve given up, I don’t know where I’m going what I’m doing

has god abandoned me or have I abandoned him and why does the feeling of non- existence washes over me again and again I feel my substance is empty I don’t know whether to let go of this or stay this face is so dear to me I can’t bear to let it go not yet not today not tomorrow why can’t I feel myself why cant I feel another person I don’t know how to live how to move how to write what to do in god’s name what am I supposed to do so that I don’t drown in self absorption what words can I speak or write that have meaning where do I put my tears how do I cry them so that no one sees where do I stuff my hearts disappointments how do I hide the truth how do I welcome death after this matter crumbles into dust where will my soul lift what should I do now this beautiful soul has me trapped I look into his eyes and I can’t bear leaving leaving that thought can’t bear the pain maybe it’s the right thing to do why don’t I know

the leaves were orange yesterday and now the trees are blooming the time slips through the unlived moments the pain fills the synapse the thoughts weave the blanket I sleep under every night they keep me cold and frightened and I wake up without god alone in my bed just me and this day like a stranger in the door I can’t welcome

I rest with my fears they are my dreaded companions I feel trapped because I recognize the truth and it overwhelms me because I know that life is a flickered piece of dust in the workings of the universe the struggle weaves its thread into the quilt of millions of sighs every day it intersects the cries of bliss it disappears into the abyss yet nothing really goes away everything is right now in this moment the world was born and died and I saw it all and now I can’t live the moment because the moment carries the message of death like a “photograph that stops the flow of life” the winds carry my heart to you and you don’t know that it just passed you as you were looking out the window onto the highway my heart flew by and smiled it knew you for a brief second and then you were gone I don’t want you to be a memory a part of the past I reflect on another lost face in the sea of experiences

M. M.

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Updated 02/04/2008