Reviewed by Alex Molaver
​University of Connecticut 

Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between and Together and Lonely provide comprehensive overviews of loneliness in adult romantic relationships. Written from the perspectives of clinical psychologists engaged both in couple therapy and in academia, the books are an attempt to fill in a literature gap regarding the experience of loneliness despite being actively involved in an intimate relationship. To date, this experience has been largely unacknowledged, probably due to the counter-intuitive nature of the concept, as well as to the cultural value placed on romantic relationships in the U.S. as a primary safeguard against loneliness. Whereas Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between, by Ami Rokach (2013), is written for broad readership, Together and Lonely, by Rokach and Sha’ked (2013), is more academically oriented., But both works overlap to a great extent.

The content of Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between is divided into two sections. One is on loneliness and love. The other is on marriage and the family: what can go wrong and how to make it better. Part one contains an overview of love and of loneliness, describing loneliness from multiple theoretical perspectives (e.g., attachment theory, Weiss, 1973; cognitive theory, Peplau & Perlman, 1982), differentiating it from other related concepts such as solitude and depression, and contextualizing it in American culture.

Further, Rokach identifies multiple aspects of the loneliness experience, including pain, anxiety, and resultant motivation; a sense of social inadequacy, alienation, and detachment; and an introspective experience with the potential for growth and discovery. Following Moustakas (1972), Rokach notes that anxiety characterizes the loneliness experience not only in the form of a symptom resulting from loneliness, but also in the form of loneliness anxiety, which involves the fear of being lonely and resultant actions taken in order to avoid loneliness.

Finally, he differentiates transient or reactive loneliness—which is situational in nature and amenable to couple therapy—from essential loneliness (Hojat, 1987)—which is a loneliness of the personality, tied to family of origin experiences, and amenable only to individual therapy. As an example, in a romantic relationship that lacks closeness due to one partner’s inability to open up to the other, partners with the inability to open up would experience essential loneliness, both in the relationship and in their life experiences prior to the relationship. In contrast, their partners would experience transient loneliness, which is only reactive to the other partners’ inability to open up.

Part two of Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between contains a discussion of marital quality and its implications for loneliness. Also included here is a discussion of family dynamics—in historical context and in consideration of diversity—including the effects of marital quality on the family, as well as the role of family of origin experiences on the development of loneliness. Regarding the latter, Rokach draws primarily from personality theory (Shackelford & Buss, 1997) and attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969/1982, 1973, 1980).

Rokach outlines a number of suggestions for improving the quality of couple relations and alleviating loneliness in intimate relationships. In addition to therapeutic intervention—which may take the form of couple or individual therapy, depending on whether transient or essential loneliness is at play—Rokach notes the efficacy of marriage education as a preventative effort. He contrasts marriage education with the observation that therapy may only be initiated too late, after a couple has experienced irreparable damage.

In Together and Lonely, the need to belong—or to be socially accepted—is highlighted as a central and powerful factor in loneliness, as well as in psychopathology more broadly. The authors discuss the fundamental nature of the need to belong, and suggest that many of the presenting problems in psychotherapy may be best understood from a belongingness framework. As quoted in Baumeister and Leary (1995), for example, “a great deal of neurotic, maladaptive, and destructive behavior seems to reflect either desperate attempts to establish or maintain relationships with other people or sheer frustration and purposelessness when one’s need to belong goes unmet” (p. 521). Additionally, Fromm-Reichmann (1976) noted that “loneliness in its own right plays a much more significant role in the dynamics of mental disturbances than we have so far been ready to acknowledge” (Fromm-Reichman, 1960, in Mayer-Gaev, 1976; p. 14).

Rokach and Sha’ked note a number of therapeutic implications to conceptualizing psychopathology from a belongingness framework. First, following Moustakas (1961), they note that viewing such aspects of psychopathology as anxiety and depression as parts of normal and natural processes does a lot to de-pathologize psychopathology. Second, they suggest that a central aspect of therapy should be to acknowledge loneliness (even as a factor in couple therapy), and to establish a warm and genuine therapeutic relationship, as with Rogers’ (1959) client-centered therapy. Such a therapeutic relation can model the importance of connection and support to the client, and can empower the client to reach out to others and connect, since it is—in itself—a temporary source of belongingness for the client. Third, Rokach and Sha’ked note that loneliness anxiety (Moustakas, 1972) may be a principle motivator of couple formation. In other words, a relationship can be built primarily on its members’ attempts to escape loneliness. They point out that such a grounds for relationship formation is ill advised, since such a relationship is likely to result in loneliness anyway.

A number of other implications of acknowledging loneliness in intimate relationships can be noted. Loneliness in romantic relations may be a principle motivator for a number of relational interactions, including both relationship building acts, and negative acts such as betrayal. In other words, relationship members may seek to alleviate their loneliness via seeking emotional supportiveness in the relationship, or by engaging in emotional infidelity. Also, the extent to which current therapeutic practices are effective (or a key ingredient in their effectiveness) may have to do with their acting as a source of interpersonal acceptance to clients. This may be the case in various approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as client-centered therapy. Also, the prevalence of social alienation may be taken in its own right as an indicator of the well-being of a society (Peplau & Perlman, 1982), since it contributes to such things as drug and alcohol abuse, rising violence and gang membership, and depression and suicide (Beck & Malley, 1998).

​Finally, the central tenets of Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between and Together and Lonely fit well into the framework of interpersonal acceptance-rejection theory (IPARTheory; Rohner, 2016). According to Rokach, in Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between, “…being in a romantic, or marital, relationship that deprives a partner of support, security, and a sense of stability, is likely to result in loneliness” (p. 111). Further, drawing from the work of Weiss (1973), Rokach notes “The partner may feel misunderstood, rejected and secluded, a target of criticism or hostility, lack of love, affection and intimacy from one’s partner” (p. 111). Loneliness in romantic relations is thus inherently tied to an experience of interpersonal rejection, and it can be expected to co-occur with other correlates of interpersonal rejection in ways suggested by IPARTheory.

Thus, for example, loneliness anxiety may be expected to be a risk factor for couple rejection in romantic relationships (and later for parent-child rejection) in cases where couple relationships that are a poor fit are nevertheless initiated and maintained for the sake of escaping loneliness. Also, the experience of loneliness in romantic relationships can be expected to be accompanied by hostility and aggression, impaired self-esteem, and other universal correlates of interpersonal acceptance-rejection. In sum, Together and Lonely is a valuable read for academics and therapists, and its counterpart Loneliness, Love, and All That’s Between is an important book that deserves to be disseminated more broadly.

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.

Beck, M., & Malley, J. (1998). Creating quality schools by promoting a sense of belongingness. International Journal Of Reality Therapy, 18(1), 18-22.

Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss: Vol. 2. Separation: Anxiety and anger. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss: Vol. 3. Loss: Sadness and depression. New York: Basic Books.

Hojat, M. (1987). A psychodynamic view of loneliness and mother-child relationships: A review of theoretical perspectives and empirical findings. In M. Hojat & R. Crandall (Eds.), Loneliness: Theory, research, and applications (pp. 89-104). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

Mayer-Gaev, D. (1976). The psychology of loneliness. Chicago, IL: Adams.

Moustakas, C. E. (1961). Loneliness. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Moustakas, C. E. (1972). Loneliness and love. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Peplau, L. A., & Perlman, D. (1982). Perspectives on loneliness. In L. A. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.), Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research, and therapy (pp. 1-20). New York: Wiley & Sons.

Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships, as developed in the client-centered framework. In S. Koch (Ed.) Psychology: A study of a science (Vol. 3, pp. 184-256). New York: McGraw-Hill.

Rohner, R. P. (2016). Introduction to interpersonal acceptance-rejection theory (IPARTheory), methods, evidence, and implications. Retrieved February 13, 2016 from www.csiar.uconn.edu.

Rokach, A. (2013). Loneliness, love and all that’s between: A psychological look at what makes us lonely and what keeps us in love. New York, NY, US: Novinka/Nova Science Publishers.

Rokach, A., & Sha'ked, A. (2013). Together and lonely: Loneliness in intimate relationships: Causes and coping. Hauppauge, NY, US: Nova Science Publishers.

Shackelford, T. K., & Buss, D. M. (1997). Marital satisfaction in evolutionary psychological perspective. In R. J. Sternberg & M. Hojat. Satisfaction in close relationships. New York: The Guilford Press (pp. 7-25).

Weiss, R. S. (1973). Loneliness: The experience of emotional and social isolation. Cambridge, MA, US: The MIT Press. 

Reproduced with permission from: 
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1. Darius - The movie opens with Darius and shows a very stereotypical view of what a lonely person would look like. You can see her getting excluded from social circles, difficulty establishing connections, and at one point her father wants to know why she hasn't had sex as yet.
2. Kenneth - Is the author of the classified ad in the trailer. (For those of you who did not watch the trailer) Kenneth put out a classified ad that said that he was looking for a partner to time travel with. They must provide their own weapons, their safety isn't guaranteed, and that he has done it once before. Throughout the movie, there is a delicate balance that is maintain about whether Kenneth is really a deluded person, or if in fact he knows exactly what he is doing. It's only at the end does the movie satisfactorily provide an answer. The reason why Kenneth is looking for a partner taps right into his own loneliness and isolation.
3. Jeff - Is the news reporter who gets two interns (Darius and Arnau) to go with him to investigate the ad and write a story. Jeff is not presented as your stereotypical loner. Jeff has a very outgoing, friendly, salesman type personality. He seems to have no problem with hooking up with women or skirting the rules when need be. In fact, I would argue, if you were to ask Jeff if he were lonely, he would probably deny it. But as his story unfolds in the movie, there becomes a clear realization to Jeff that the intimacy he longs for has been missing in his life.
4. Arnau - the last character and whose story line is not as pronounced as the others. Arnau is presented as the typical nerd, complete with pictures of flames on his computer, because his computer is fast. He is very much in his shell for most of the movie, but throughout shines through his shell to provide one-sentence pieces of advice that prove to be remarkably insightful. The reason behind his self-created shell strikes at the heart of loneliness for most folks.

Besides the individual story line, there are definitely strong intersections between Darius and Kenneth and also between Jeff and Arnau. It provides an interesting message that while we may be wounded ourselves, we are still capable of helping others, and perhaps through the process, helping ourselves. The title, aptly named, Safety Not Guaranteed, I believe reflects on the fact that when navigating through waters of loneliness and intimacy, there is no guaranteed safety. You'll have to take a chance, and sometimes that chance can have a big payoff.

Every time she has sex, she laughs uncontrollably and in a way that makes it seem as if she is laughing at the person she is having sex with. At the same time, Eugene, the object of Sammy's desires, is going through his own problems, trying to discover himself as a musician and to understand what he desires in a relationship.

As the story progresses, two very powerful things happen. First, Sammy discovers one of the really important secrets about being in a relationship, and that is, having the self-confidence to demand respect and to be yourself. If the other person cannot accept you for who you are, then they aren't worth your time. Second, Eugene discovers that painful and hurtful memories of the past affect how we form relationships in the present. Despite Eugene's best attempts to keep things superficial, he later realized that they are in no way satisfying his intimacy needs.

Though the movie is a bit quirky in its story telling, the underlying message is a powerful one for lonely folks - understanding and loving yourself is an important prerequisite to loving others. The movie takes you on a wonderful ride with Sammy in her journey towards self-discovery and love.

Clark Moustakas, Loneliness (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1961)

The motive for writing the book is the poignant recounting of four lonely deaths, including the author’s young daughter and mother. These sad events serve as stimulants for the author’s speculations on the existential condition of each of us.

This slight volume draws much of its interdisciplinary tone from Frieda-Fromm-Reichmann’s groundbreaking article, “Loneliness,” Psychiatry, 22:1 (1959), 1-16. Although the author appeals to an existential image of man, which is generally painted by other writers in rather gloomy brush strokes, throughout this short work, he finds a positive value as the individual creates meaning for himself alone and learns to overcome tragedy with courage and dignity. Moustakas is writing during a period when Christian existentialism (Kierkegaard) as well as atheistic (Nietzsche) was being promoted and reworked through the writings of French and German philosophers, like Sartre, Camus, and Heidegger.

“Every man is alone. Ultimately, each person exists in isolation. He faces himself in silence, wending his way in individual pathways, seeking companionship, reaching out to others…. In loneliness, man seeks the fulfillment of his inner nature. He maps new meanings, and perceives new patterns for old ways and habits. Alone, the life of man passes before him. His philosophy, the meanings he attaches to his work and his relations, each significant aspect of his being comes into view as new values are formed, as man resolves to bring human significance, to bring life to each new day, to each piece of work, to each creation” (page, 54).

One of the major themes in existentialism is that the universe and man’s existence is essentially meaningless. We do not discover meaning through searching for it in human nature, reason, society, or religion; rather we create it for our selves alone. Man is free, condemned to freedom (Sartre), and he freely chooses his meanings and values and thus is responsible to himself alone. This creation within a moral vacuum terrifies man, it produces an anxiety which is very different than Freudian anxiety grounded as it is in unconscious internal conflicts.

Perhaps it would be helpful in understanding the intrinsic relation between meaninglessness and existential anxiety by considering a passage in Paul Tillich, a Protestant existentialist theologian.

“The Anxiety of meaninglessness is anxiety about the loss of an ultimate concern, of a meaning which gives meaning to all meanings. This anxiety is aroused by the loss of a spiritual center, of an answer, however symbolic and indirect, to the meaning of [human] existence” (The Courage To Be).

Interestingly enough, in the section, Tillich identifies loneliness with the feeling of “emptiness and meaninglessness.”

According to Moustakas, during the 17th century, “The separation of self from others and from nature constitutes the primary condition of loneliness anxiety in modern societies” (page 26).  Accordingly, the book discusses a common theme in the literature of loneliness, namely the Cartesian separation of mind and matter, body and soul that produces an increasing rift between the self and nature as well as between the self and other selves.

A constant companion to “anxiety is a smoldering but helpless rage and a desire for revenge for being “left out” of life” (pages 28-29).

There is, as Moustakas conceives it, in loneliness, a purity, an immersion, a total and direct turn inwardly that is unlike anything else the individual has ever experienced. It is a journey into the very depths of the soul. But from this depth, a power of reaching out toward others, for growing in a more vital sense, of intimately connecting with others makes itself present.

A number of notable writers are briefly discussed, including Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, Erich Fromm, Rollo May, Harry Stack Sullivan from psychiatry; David Riesman, Nathan Glazer, and Reuel Denney (The Lonely Crowd), William Whyte (The Organization Man) from sociology; Saint-Exupery (The Little Prince), Emily Dickinson, Thomas Wolfe, from literature; and Admiral Richard Byrd, the arctic explorer.

It is an easy book to read with a hopeful message among the usually grim and somber frightening expressions usually to be found in existentialism.

What Would You Do if You Had One Week Left to Live?

 Benjamin Tyler, closing in on his 30th birthday, is living a banal, but financially comfortable life working as an English teacher at a Toronto elementary school. Though a bit shy, Ben is handsome, well educated, and has excellent social skills. He comes from a loving family and, after years of putting it off, he has finally gotten engaged to his beautiful fiancée, Samantha.  From all outward appearances, Ben seems to be doing just fine. However, below this veneer of accomplishment, Ben is keenly aware that he has become increasingly disengaged from his own life which lacks any real passion, purpose, or direction. Aside from Samantha and his family, Ben has no genuine friends and he is a lonely traveler on his own life’s journey. Instead of being driven by his own desires and choices, Ben’s life seems to be set on auto-pilot and is propelled forward more by inertia and his own indifference.

Ben, a writer at heart, has already written his first great novel. Unfortunately, he felt so wounded by the constant rejection he received while trying to get his book published that he has chosen to simply give up on that dream completely. Now, his days are spent teaching English Literature and trying to inspire his young students to "seize the day" and acquire the wisdom he is offering them. Regrettably, even Ben’s best efforts appear to be wasted on children who are far more focused on texting their tween friends than listening to any teacher dispensing advice.

During a routine checkup, Ben suddenly discovers that he has Stage Four cancer which has already spread throughout his body. He has only a ten percent chance of survival even with the most aggressive forms of treatment. Ben feels fine now, but he knows that his cancer treatments will likely leave him feeling far more dead than alive. He decides that before he starts treatment, he must have at least one great adventure in his lifetime. Against Samantha’s wishes, he buys a motorcycle and decides to drive across Canada from Toronto to Vancouver. Along the way, Ben has a quirky fondness for stopping at every roadside attraction that claims to be the world's biggest tee pee or the world's largest hockey stick. Ben's fascination with these oddities seems to parallel his own inner search for meaning and a life of greater significance.  

On his trip west, Ben encounters a wide range of ­­­people from whom he solicits advice on matters of love and the meaning of life. He seems to be hoping that someone may have the magic answer that will erase his self-doubt and set him on the path of self-actualization.  Unbeknownst to Ben, he seems to be a carrier of positive Karma and good luck for everyone he interacts with along his journey. The film employs a very clever omniscient narrator who lets us realize the powerful and lasting impact that Ben’s acts of kindness have on the lives of all those he encounters even though he thinks these moments hold no special significance.

Ben’s journey has a direction, but no destination. And what happens when, sooner or later, he simply runs out of west? Ultimately, Ben recognizes that he must face his ambivalent feelings about his life and the people in it before time runs out for him.  For the audience, Ben's attempts at coming to grips with his past and impending demise become a Rorschach card upon which we can project our own feelings of isolation and meaninglessness.  

But is any one single transcendent adventure ever really going to be enough to make up for an entire life lived far below its potential? Ben’s one week journey across Canada’s vast frontier has rekindled a new sense of purpose and drive to complete one last meaningful act before he departs from this world. Ben finally discovers how he can leave a legacy behind him which makes him feel authentically happy and proud for the first time he can remember. 

If you are looking for a movie that challenges you to looks at life’s larger questions, then One Week might just be a trip worth taking. The movie was filmed entirely in Canada and offers many spectacular sites and scenic vistas that are likely to be unfamiliar to most viewers.  One Week, filmed in 2008, runs for 1:34 minutes and is currently available on Netflix streaming service.  One Week asks far more questions than it answers, but I found it to be a film that resonated with me long after it is was over.  The official One Week film trailer is below:

James Lynch is a psychologist who specializes in psychosomatic disorders, which are based on the theory that emotional distress can result in bodily diseases. In the present work, this means that loneliness and a lack of personal fulfillment, mostly grounded in an absence of intimacy, can negatively affect the heart. Accordingly, the study postulates that the loss of human companionship, social isolation, and the sudden deaths of loved ones is the leading cause of premature deaths from heart attacks at five times the rate of married spouses. The study maintains that heart disease is especially prevalent among the loneliness prone, the children from broken homes, the singles, the divorced, and the widowed. Lynch describes loneliness as an “ultimately inter-subjective human experience” (page 183). Further, he characterizes it in the following terms: “Human relationships are not objective, and the very attempt to objectify them creates distance between you and those individuals with whom you are trying to relate. Those aspects of human relationships that can be weighted objectively are not the same as those aspects of human relationships that are experienced personally…What cannot be objectively defined, however, is the very process of communication, for objectively examining a conversation is diametrically opposite to engaging in one. To assess the process objectively, one must detach one’s self from it” (page 194). This passage is especially significant because Lynch believes that meaningful positive communication, “dialogue” between individuals is the best means of warding off loneliness. “Dialogue is the essential element of every social interaction; it is the elixir of life. The wasting away of children, the broken heart of adults, the divorced, the widowed—common to all these situations, I believe is a breakdown in communication…those who lack dialogue early in life can perish quickly while those who lose it as children, adolescents and adults feel acutely what they have lost and struggle to get it back” (page 215). Positive dialogue intrinsically develops mutual trust. In its most general meaning, dialogue consists in the well-intentioned reciprocal communication between two or more conversants. It involves a mutual exchange, a sharing of feelings, thoughts, and values (page 217). The author accordingly provides the reader with a dramatic example of failed communication by recounting the legendary tale of Frederick II of Sicily, who wished to discover the original human language, which he in turn speculated was Hebrew. In order to test his hypothesis, he removed all newborn children from their natural mothers and instructed their foster custodians not to converse or interact with the infants beyond ministering to their physical needs. Alas, the entire experiment failed badly since all of the children died once they were prevented from being emotionally nurtured.

Not legendary but factual are Lynch’s discussions regarding the famous “marasmus” and :hospitalism” researches conducted by Margaret Ribble, Dorothy Burlingame, Rene Spitz, John Bowlby, Anna Freud, and others, who studied the extensive physical, psychological, and intellectual wasting away that results when a child is deprived of emotional nurturance. Spitz, for example, observed that in many instances, infants who suddenly lost their mother’s would refuse to eat and would eventually succumb even when force fed. Others became depressed (“anaclitic depression”), fearful, angry, and anxious (pages 77, 216-218).

Lynch also offers an interesting instance involving a pair of institutionalized thirty-one-year-old schizophrenic twins, who one night were separated, because the staff believed they were re-enforcing each other’s negative behaviors, only to find the next morning that one of the sisters had died of a heart attack. Upon questioning the surviving sister’s roommate on that fateful night, it was found that she had spent all night long staring toward the dead sister’s window across the courtyard.

In Harry Harlow’s celebrated monkey experiments, it was discovered that after the birth of the infant monkeys, which were raised only with lifeless terry cloth substitutes with button eyes, the young monkeys clinged desperately to the cloth surrogates and became terrified when the inanimate figures were removed from their cages: “the social isolation ultimately destroyed them emotionally. When they matured, they refused to breed, and some killed their own offspring when impregnated” (page, 179). They also demonstrated profound signs and symptoms of emotional imbalance and depression (pages 178-179). As Lynch also points out, frequently dogs, when very anxious, will voluntarily undergo a great deal of pain in order to be with their masters and mistresses.

On a more decidedly sociological level, Lynch recapitulates the fully documented results of the Framingham Project. The longitudinal, 25-year study was originally structured to uncover an assumed strong connection between smoking, poor diet, and premature chronic heart conditions in the small predominantly Italian and Catholic community of Framingham. But instead what it showed was actually a very low incidence of premature heart attacks, which was attributed to the especially close sense of belonging and intimacy between family members and the community at large. These, as it turned out, contributed greatly to good mental health and resulted in a longevity grounded in a closeness of association, which was exceptionally emotionally supportive despite its poor physical practices of habitual smoking and overeating (pages 18-19). 

According to Lynch, the real villain in this scientifically- and objectively-determinable tragedy of increasing heart problems in America is by way of misdirection. The mistake is to be directly attributed to the false dualistic separation of mind from body. It is Descartes, blames Lynch, who, with his emphasis on two distinct substances, mind versus body, is responsible for relegating the emotions to the subjective, mental, and hence unscientific realm of the mind, while in reality it is solely, Lynch asserts, the body which truly constitutes the sole proper scientific sphere of valid study. The unfortunate result is that it led researchers early on and over the centuries to believe that the emotions had nothing to do with the body or the heart. Lynch instead proposes, therefore, that we emphasize and limit our study to the emotions and recognize their physical properties alone sinc they exhibit a genuine import as well as a vital effect on the body and the heart. And to clinch his case, he cites the instance of a comatose patient whose spouse touches her mate’s feet and the tactile pressure elicits a graphic response on the electrocardiograph (the heart) but leaves the electroencephalograph (the brain) needle unmoved.

Throughout the study, Lynch‘s conclusions are supported by numerous graphs, statistics, and scientific data.