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The Lonely Blog

Another shooter, another story of loneliness

7/23/2012

7 Comments

 
Many of us are still trying to wrap our heads around why anyone would walk into a theater and start shooting people, including children. So far the authorities have not given or found any motive behind the actions of the Colorado shooter who killed 12 people and injured another 50+ people in a movie theater. His actions echo similar similar actions by other persons, most notably the  Columbine shootings and the Virginia Tech shootings. At least one article has already suggested that the common thread behind all of these killers is loneliness.

Nothing can excuse these killers for the actions they took against innocent people. But how could feeling lonely generate such vicious actions? No one can understand the pain of loneliness unless you have been there yourself, feeling it like a constant shadow against your back, day in and day out. Being a lone mass killer is an extreme, atypical reaction to loneliness, but loneliness has driven people to do many a strange thing. Another story that was recently in the news talks about a woman that keep a dead body for two years because she did not want to be alone. But what about ordinary folks? Would ordinary folks to outlandish things to fit in and feel accepted? Social psychologists have done a number of experiments to show just how far people will go to fit in and obey authority. One of these experiments was done by Stanley Milgram, who showed that individuals would be willing to deliver painful shocks to other people when instructed to do so:
In another popular experiment, it showed that individuals in a public place would display apathy and often refused to help someone who was in distress, rather than helping. Here is a video showing an example of people just passing by when someone was in need of help:
It is not just simply the fact that loneliness and the need to fit in, the need to belong, can drive us to behave in very destructive ways, but also the fact that loneliness can have drastic effects on our health. For example, the American Association for the Advancement of Science has said that loneliness is as bad for health as obesity or smoking. In the UK, there have been calls for loneliness to be treated as a major health issue in the elderly, with 5 out of 14 million elderly saying that television is their only source of company.

The fact of the matter is that loneliness can have a profound effect upon us and sadly many of us do not realize or acknowledge this fact. Loneliness is often not treated as a serious issue that can have serious consequences on our behaviors and our health. There are not very many organizations focused exclusively on loneliness, compared to other organizations dedicated towards addressing social issues such as hunger, obesity, or smoking. I am sure the average person does not think of loneliness in the same drastic context as hunger. And yet, if you take the time to look, you will see that loneliness is making as much of an impact as hunger or any other major, popular issue right now.

The fact of the matter is that loneliness is a response to a basic need of every human being, arguably in much the same way as our need to eat, sleep, or breathe. Baumeister and Leary have argued that the need to belong is a basic, fundamental human need, in much the same way as any other basic, human need we have. And what happens when we cannot fulfill our need to belong? The same thing that happens when we have a need to eat but no food is available. We feel hungry, but in this case, we call this hunger, loneliness. Loneliness is response to our social need, it is our bodies telling us that we are not getting the social interaction, the sense of belongingness that we require. And just like hunger, if it continually goes unfulfilled, it has negative consequences on our health. To some degree, hunger is easier to fulfill than loneliness, all we need to do is provide food. But for many of us, being able to build a sense of connection is difficult, very difficult. It is almost as if we have not developed the ability to feed ourselves and thus have trouble getting that sense of connection. We can also very easily see someone who is starving and in need of food, but it is a lot harder to spot someone who is lonely.

Until society acknowledges that loneliness is as much of a social issue as other basic needs such as food and shelter, we will have problems stemming from loneliness continuing to persist in our society. And it is a growing problem, not just in the elderly, but across all age groups as well. A recent study in Norway suggest that 40% youth ages 18-29 feel lonely "often" or "quite often." And another study in Australia show that at least 30% of Australians feel lonely, up from 10% ten years ago.

I, for one, will not stand by and wait for another tragedy to happen, wait for someone else to come to the rescue for those who feel lonely and isolated, for those who are longing for connection and cannot find one. I have hosted the Web of Loneliness for over 10 years. I am now moving onwards and upwards to establishing the Web of Loneliness Institute to find ways to raise awareness, and help the lonely. If you are willing to follow me on this journey, contact me, I'd be happy to have you along!
7 Comments
Leona
7/30/2012 08:12:40 am

Could be the loneliness a form of a modern natural selection? I feel sad about this idea but this makes sense. Someone has to extinct to make more space to more successful people. A neutral mechanism. Nothing personal, heh. Some people say that you have a chance till the end of your life. But it is so hard to believe them when evidences say something opposite...

Reply
WOL
7/30/2012 05:05:45 pm

I've seen some arguments for the ability to form social groups as a form of evolutionary survival, since we are much more likely to survive in groups than alone. To some degree loneliness is our evolutionary response of this need to belong.

Reply
Leona
7/31/2012 12:22:06 am

Let's assume that the loneliness is a function of the parameters that can be modified (e.g. way of thinking) and parameters that are inherited (e.g. genes). You can change (or maybe heal?) yourself only in some degree. But your life history (and your family history) is imprinted in your face and body. Other people read all the information about you and decide on a subconscious level that you are / not / enough / an attractive partner / friend.

Reply
Jimtastic
8/3/2012 02:36:23 pm

I had a very interesting experience living overseas for a year on a student exchange to Japan. I was indescribably lonely most of the time. I don't know what loneliness is, exactly, but I would like to be less instead of ore closely acquainted.
But from the friends I did make and the conversations I had with Japanese people, loneliness is certainly not exclusive to individualistic cultures. I had friends who had secure social networks, family situations and career paths; they were as lonely as me, in my little foreigner bubble.

Reply
Sean
8/3/2012 03:51:15 pm

J, you're quite right. Loneliness isn't culturally specific.

Reply
Anne
9/7/2012 12:42:24 pm

There is a difference between being isolated (the absence of other people) and being lonely (the subjective, unfulfilled need for emotional or social connection). Introverts and Extroverts have different needs for connection and social interaction, belonging. But if their subjective needs are not met for a prolonged period, loneliness becomes chronic loneliness. Let’s not suggest forcing a change of temperament and basic needs.
Sometimes we find ourselves in an isolated situation – that doesn’t mean we are lonely. Appreciating beauty is something we experience individually - alone, though we may share our expenence. We may enjoy solitude and use it for reflection, introspection, and creativity. We make seek alone time, a break, a respite. There is a difference between being alone or lonely at times, and chronic loneliness. Chronic loneliness is consistent, subjective absence of needed emotional or social connection. It's the absence of someone you feel safe with and can count on when in distress. It may be the absence of a romantic partner or it may be the absence of a good friend. It's someone you can be yourself with, someone you can count on in a consistent, reliable, dependable manner. One side effect of chronic loneliness is the absence of caring touch, a warm, lingering hug. Let’s not ignore the benefits of touch.

Reply
Ben Mijuskovic link
12/28/2012 12:15:51 pm

The 1st article on "Loneliness," written as a topic in its own right, is by Gregory Zilboorg, a psychoanalist, and it appeared in a 1938 issue of the Atlantic Monthly. Zilboorg connected three concepts as already intrinsically manifest in infancy: narcissism><loneliness><, and<>hostility and argued that when they are intensified and prolonged, they can readily lead to either suicide against the self for being unworthy of love and admiration; or murder toward others for not being loved by them. Adam Lanza is a good case in point. As the LA Times reported, he was upset by his parents' divorce; his impending removal from his relationship with his mother; and his favorite books were Catcher in the Rye and Of Mice and Men, 2 novels chock-fiull of loneliness and murder and suicide.

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