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The Lonely Blog

Are Lonely People Just Selfish?

5/11/2013

41 Comments

 
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My friend, let's call him Jeffrey, told me the other day that he thinks that the reason people are lonely is simply because they are selfish. Naturally I was a little taken aback when he first made that statement but I asked him to explain further. He said that if you really think about it, lonely people seemed to be wrapped up in themselves a lot. 

They are, for example, ever wrapped up with the thought about why people don't like them. I have heard lonely people say that they think they have special interests that other people don't, or that other people are very judgmental. Jeffrey continued his thought: have lonely people ever thought that perhaps to have a friend, or partner, or spouse, you first have to be a friend/partner/spouse first? If you're constantly focused on your needs all the time then clearly people are going to get tired of you and leave. 

Sometimes I believe that it is difficult for lonely folks to establish friendships. Sometimes there are social anxiety issues and it is really difficult to meet someone because of the fear of rejection, the fear of putting yourself out there and being turned down. Sometimes people have trust issues, having been betrayed in the past, they are more careful about trusting others and being open. To some degree, painful past experiences limit lonely people's ability to form new friendships. 


"Fair enough," said Jeffrey, "but social anxiety or trust issues still revolve around the issue of selfishness. Because they are so focused on their own emotional stability and avoiding rejection and betrayal, they inevitably lock themselves into their own loneliness. Their selfish self-focus leads to their own imposed isolation."

Wow, that's pretty hash I thought, but certainly there is some truth to it. If we get too wrapped up in ourselves, it could inevitably lead to loneliness. It reminded me of this article based on a study that found those who over-value happiness put too much focus on themselves and in the end damage their relationships and their sense of well-being. Maybe by focusing on others and by trying to be a good friend first, we might have a better chance of forming a relationship.

But there are cases when some lonely folks try to be too good of a friend, they sacrifice their own needs and wants in order to try to build the relationship. I have also seen lonely folks who have a martyr complex, and they will do anything and everything for others at the expense of themselves. In the end, these relationships turn out to be one-sided and drain the lifeforce of the poor folks trying to be a good friend. 

"Doesn't that poke a hole in your theory?" I asked Jeffrey, "here are folks being selfless and still ending up lonely."

Jeffrey thought about it a bit and incredulously he said, no, those folks as just as selfish. I was flabbergasted. 

"How could they be just as lonely?" I asked.

"Well," Jeffrey said, "those folks are only nice to others because they think that if they are nice then the other person will be friends with them." But you just said that up above, I thought, to have a friend you have a be a friend. Jeffrey explained further that it was about being a friend, not about being likable. Everybody likes someone who is focused on them. But that's not necessarily being a friend. Being a friend means that you create a reciprocal relationship, you support your friend as much as your friend supports you, it's a two way street. The minute you make it a one-way street, you either become too demanding or don't also seek support, it becomes less about the other person and becomes all about you. Lonely folks with a martyr complex, deciding to provide all the support and not ask for any, are simply selfish individuals trying to force others into a friendship.

These are harsh words from Jeffrey. What do you think, are lonely folks really selfish?

41 Comments
Camela Moon
5/15/2013 04:41:01 pm

I see Jeff's point but do not entirely agree. I think some folks just seem to have a hard time 'belonging' to matter what age. I have dealt with this all my life and I am 60 years old.

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Cheryl
6/23/2013 05:17:53 am

Camela, I totally agree with you. I have dealt with loneliness all of my life, too. I could be with a group of people and be actively engaging in conversation. Members of the group would then make plans to go out and would tell me that they'd "see me later"...this happens all of the time. Funny thing is...no one knows I'm lonely. I make plans to go out with people and they either no show or cancel...what's with that? I keep reaching out to people but no one reaches back. I am not whining nor do I think "poor me"...it's as if I was meant not to have any social connections if that makes any sense.

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will
1/11/2017 08:29:21 am

i totally agree with you, and I felt I was the only person going through this

Clayton
5/27/2013 05:22:35 pm

No. Lonely people are not selfish. I think he is just speaking of loneliness in that way because he has never had the experience. I'm sure if he was one of the "lonely people", things would be completely the opposite. The fact is that some of us just don't "fit in" socially or have been rejected or ostracized and so we have no other choice but to spend time alone.

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Devynn
5/30/2013 06:10:03 pm

I see his point, but I think you should not categorize ALL lonely people as "selfish". Selfish is when you are willing to take away the happiness of others to benefit yourself. Lonely people aren't usually benefiting themselves by being lonely. What if I said "All outgoing, social, people are selfish because they just want everyone to like them and be popular so they can be considered cool. they never listen and they talk so much they always want the spotlight on them." I do not believe that, but I'm just showing you how things can be twisted if you aren't open minded and sympathetic with it. Lonely people are just trying to figure out themselves and the rest of the world, and they learn a lot from it too. They are probably going through a hard time and need to patch up themselves before they try and be all social and the life of the party. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be liked. If you think that no body likes you and that you have no friends, that's sad, right? Who's to blame them for want a little love, like everyone else? I remember when I was in Elementary school I was lonely and had no friends because i was waay shy. I was always so afraid I would mess up and say something wrong. I felt that no one wanted to talk to me or be around me, so I obliged them. When ever I made some friends I would always end up being the third wheel no one wants or cares about. So I would stop bothering them with my awkward presence, leave them alone, and continue life. I didn't want to burden them with some random boring quiet person having to sit next to them at lunch and stuff haha. That's how I saw it when I was very Lonely. I am assuming that Jeffery is not lonely and he is a very outgoing fellow who doesn't understand why some people aren't like him. I could be wrong, but if I'm correct Jeffery shouldn't be so harsh towards something he's never understood. Or at least be more considerate to people going through a hard time.

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Ben
6/15/2013 10:10:35 am

Wow I love both of the above comments. It's so nice to have my own thoughts and feelings validated.

I think that the selfishness that he is talking about is actually neediness. People need friends and communities where they can be comfortable. When they can't get those things, it's no wonder that they get needy, and neediness can really push people away. It's not entirely their fault if they get self-focused. They get "selfish," as he says it, because they need something that we are having troubles getting.

But, I like how this idea of selfishness gets us to think about other people's needs instead of our own. Maybe that's the answer to what to do with neediness - instead of focusing on our own needs, maybe focusing on other people's needs is a better and more rewarding response.

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OwlJulie
11/27/2013 08:37:19 pm

The very cause of focuisng on one'self is because of one's great neediness. With great need comes intense inability to give. It's like trying to fill everyone else's cup when your cup is empty. Which is why it cant be called 'being selfish', because, there's no water to give anyone in the first place. It's not like you are holding it away from people.

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borontrifluoride
7/28/2013 04:17:27 pm

Here's something which has always boggled me: I'm part of this group, and i've hung out with them for as long as it's been. And in a lot of the group posts, everyone's like "i really miss you guys so much" etc. Two things: first, i don't feel this at all; and second, i'm quite sure i'm not one being missed.

All this strikes me as being in foreign land and not knowing the language.

It's not like i'm an inert mannequin while i'm with them, i can joke around very well. But, i notice i tend to do it largely out of a need for approval and belongingness, which always turn out to be short lived.

To my knowledge, i've always been enthusiastic to help a friend out, and i guess i've been a reciever of help often too. But, again, i get the feeling of being helped as a stranger, like, it's an obligation. Hard to put it. And not to mention the genuine disconnect i feel.

Now that's me. Another member of this group i'm part of, is as selfish as can be. Yet, his apparent outgoing (if that's what it is) nature allows him to be universally liked (although i hate his ****in guts). Maybe then, i wonder if it's his better looks and dressing (i would hate to think of everyone to be so shallow). Maybe, it's not all this, maybe the answer lies within. Well, ****!

Great article though, bloody insightful comments!

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ridhard churchill
7/31/2013 09:09:19 pm

you guys really need to read this document!!! It gives profound insight into the causes and effects of loneliness. It explains why I am dying young of vascular and heart disease. It's an absolute must read.

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you#

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A giving person
11/10/2013 06:02:26 am

You are harsh! Some people are alone because they live a life serving others and have neglected to look for a partner. Or in my case, just can't seem to find someone because I live in a very small place. I spend my life helping people.

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Candy Apple
12/21/2013 12:12:43 pm

I like the fact that you spend your life helping others! I don't know you at all really, but from what you've said you seem quite content with your life (I could be misreading this), and maybe you're alone but you're not really lonely? I'm only saying this because you said, "Some people are alone because...". I think there's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone just means you aren't often with other people, but being lonely means you feel bad about it and wish you had more friends, someone to relate to, etc. If you're alone but spend your life helping people and love doing what you do, then it sounds good to me and you probably aren't lonely. Jeffrey was talking about lonely people being needy, but you don't seem needy or almost desperate for friends and that may be because you're not really lonely. Either way, I don't really agree with Jeffrey's theory on lonely people being selfish. There are many reasons someone could be lonely.

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OwlJulie
11/27/2013 08:22:01 pm

Jeffrey would have said Fear is selfish because fear is focusing on yourself. And he would have also said that being hungry is selfish, because it focuses on your own stomach. Jeffrey does not sound like he has given his 'argument' much thought.
Loneliness is painful and of course it would be avoided and solved if the lonely person could solve it. Loneliness is heartbreaking. There is no selfishness in loneliness because loneliness is the desire for people! Additionally, of course they seem self- focused because, if they only have 1 or 2 friends to talk to, then they are going to have to talk alot about themselves in order to get the human support they need...... which other people, who have 15 friends to support them, can spread out amongst all those 15 people.

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Candy Apple
12/21/2013 12:21:24 pm

I 100% agree with this. Anything can be twisted into selfishness if you present it in a certain light. I'm sure that there are some selfish lonely people, but there are also some very selfless lonely people. It doesn't make sense to generalize about an entire group of people with diverse backgrounds and lives.
And I also like your point about how lonely people can seem self-focused. I don't have a large circle of friends (maybe 2 or 3 that I talk to on a regular basis) so sometimes I feel like I'm talking a lot about myself with them (like asking for advice or telling stories about my day), where as they aren't really offering much information. But if they have 20 friends and I only have a handful, then it makes sense. Your comment made me feel so much better and like less of a burden to my friends. Thank you so much.

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Candy Apple
12/21/2013 12:21:44 pm

I 100% agree with this. Anything can be twisted into selfishness if you present it in a certain light. I'm sure that there are some selfish lonely people, but there are also some very selfless lonely people. It doesn't make sense to generalize about an entire group of people with diverse backgrounds and lives.
And I also like your point about how lonely people can seem self-focused. I don't have a large circle of friends (maybe 2 or 3 that I talk to on a regular basis) so sometimes I feel like I'm talking a lot about myself with them (like asking for advice or telling stories about my day), where as they aren't really offering much information. But if they have 20 friends and I only have a handful, then it makes sense. Your comment made me feel so much better and like less of a burden to my friends. Thank you so much.

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Candy Apple
12/21/2013 12:22:02 pm

I 100% agree with this. Anything can be twisted into selfishness if you present it in a certain light. I'm sure that there are some selfish lonely people, but there are also some very selfless lonely people. It doesn't make sense to generalize about an entire group of people with diverse backgrounds and lives.
And I also like your point about how lonely people can seem self-focused. I don't have a large circle of friends (maybe 2 or 3 that I talk to on a regular basis) so sometimes I feel like I'm talking a lot about myself with them (like asking for advice or telling stories about my day), where as they aren't really offering much information. But if they have 20 friends and I only have a handful, then it makes sense. Your comment made me feel so much better and like less of a burden to my friends. Thank you so much.

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OwlJulie
11/27/2013 08:31:41 pm

"Lonely folks with a martyr complex, deciding to provide all the support and not ask for any, are simply selfish individuals trying to force others into a friendship."
i dont think so. There are many reasons why a person might want to try their best at creating a friendship and when the friend doesnt reciprocate and do her share, but gives excuses for her lack of demonstrations, it is the lonely person who is innocent and wants to trust her friend's excuses. Because lonely people are so very desperate for their friend to like them, that they are blinded to the fact that their friend isn't being demonstrative, i.e. It is their friend who is the selfish and cruel one. The 'martyr' was the one who was trusting and true!

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OwlJulie
11/27/2013 08:32:08 pm

"Lonely folks with a martyr complex, deciding to provide all the support and not ask for any, are simply selfish individuals trying to force others into a friendship."
i dont think so. There are many reasons why a person might want to try their best at creating a friendship and when the friend doesnt reciprocate and do her share, but gives excuses for her lack of demonstrations, it is the lonely person who is innocent and wants to trust her friend's excuses. Because lonely people are so very desperate for their friend to like them, that they are blinded to the fact that their friend isn't being demonstrative, i.e. It is their friend who is the selfish and cruel one. The 'martyr' was the one who was trusting and true!

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I Be Here Advice link
4/1/2014 08:21:42 am

Sometimes an understanding ear can take away loads of stress.

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Hana
7/31/2014 07:37:59 am

I have a problem with creating a rule that fits all. Moreover, human behavior is not that simple, that we can say lonely people are selfish. I believe that whatever we do we do it because we get something out of it. I love to help other, I get a lot in return, I feel my life has meaning. So I am selfish. The less I find ways to help others the lonelier I get. So anyone can say, that proves Jefferey's point. I am lonely because I am selfish.
This is putting a label, where it doesn't belong. I know how to be a good friend. Whenever I meet one of my close friends, I am very interested with what they are going through, in hearing their stories, as much as they are interested in mine. We do love each other deeply. They are very busy, so our meeting is once in few months, but when it happens, it is a joy. I am now in that time of my life, that I retired and my close friends are very busy, they are only a few of them, and I need more genuine interactions in my life. I was with a partner until a little over a year ago. It was a fulfilling relationship, and I was never lonely while with him. So I guess this makes me again a selfish person. What a judgmental post.

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owljulie
7/31/2014 08:46:17 am


People who are focused on rejection are selfish??
Psychologically speaking, these people have reasons other than selfishness- they were rejected badly by very important people in their lives. No selfishness in that. They have matyr complexes?? It is more than likely that they actually were real victims of abuse. After being abused, you believe that it is selfish of you to want to get support from others. This is another result of having been abused. It is not a 'sign of selfisheness' to not ask for support- it is a type of low self esteem. The very desire for friendship and having pain over not having friends is the antithesis of being selfish. In fact, its the people who Don't Want friends who are the selfish people. Yes, there are people who don't even want friends! So if you feel lonely for friendship, don't worry, you're not selfish, lol.

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owljulie
7/31/2014 08:47:20 am


People who are focused on rejection are selfish??
Psychologically speaking, these people have reasons other than selfishness- they were rejected badly by very important people in their lives. No selfishness in that. They have matyr complexes?? It is more than likely that they actually were real victims of abuse. After being abused, you believe that it is selfish of you to want to get support from others. This is another result of having been abused. It is not a 'sign of selfisheness' to not ask for support- it is a type of low self esteem. The very desire for friendship and having pain over not having friends is the antithesis of being selfish. In fact, its the people who Don't Want friends who are the selfish people. Yes, there are people who don't even want friends! So if you feel lonely for friendship, don't worry, you're not selfish, lol.

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owljulie
7/31/2014 08:47:28 am


People who are focused on rejection are selfish??
Psychologically speaking, these people have reasons other than selfishness- they were rejected badly by very important people in their lives. No selfishness in that. They have matyr complexes?? It is more than likely that they actually were real victims of abuse. After being abused, you believe that it is selfish of you to want to get support from others. This is another result of having been abused. It is not a 'sign of selfisheness' to not ask for support- it is a type of low self esteem. The very desire for friendship and having pain over not having friends is the antithesis of being selfish. In fact, its the people who Don't Want friends who are the selfish people. Yes, there are people who don't even want friends! So if you feel lonely for friendship, don't worry, you're not selfish, lol.

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James
11/29/2014 03:35:34 pm

This article is so wrong on so many levels!!! Maybe Jeffreyand the other extroverts needs to get off their social high horses. This is pretty much blaming the parylized person that he can't walk. Or blaming the kid that got bullied for being bullied. Its also very dangerous that you are damning the shy person. Maybe Jeffery is the selfish person for not helping out the shy person my making him feel more comfortable leading them into the conversation and helping them open up?
I'm a shy person but I'm not selfish egotistical cold hearted not caring etc like you all think!!! Its not my fault I'm made this way. Unfortunately I been thru so many instances of being bullied abused verbally and mentally been let down and lied to by people I loved etc.. You high horse people like Jeffrey only add on to that.

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Marisa
12/29/2014 07:23:01 am

I heartily agree with most of the responses here. As a shy one who survived a whole lot of abuse, rejection, and mixed messages concerning love, I don't find most conversation easy,natural, or comfortable, whether talking about myself or anything else, certain I sound dumb, silly, boring, or what have you.Hence, my instinct becomes to run in fear of what others are thinking of me. But it doesn't stop me from craving it nor do I feel selfish for wanting it-I used to let that tape play in my head, but praise God, He is changing my heart and my view. I have not arrived by any means, but I am practicing conversation and getting better at it. I have been blessed to have a second marriage to a man who, oddly enough, seems to get it and he has brought into my life others who, even odder, seem to get it, too. I think that is half the battle, finding those who understand and don't fault you for it, those you can begin to reveal yourselves to and find compassion waiting for you on the other end. As a Christian, I think I can see a piece of what Jeffery was getting at about getting outside of yourself.In learning to give generously you can learn to recieve as generously. But, as a Christian, I can't see being so dismissive of the struggle of others.Genuine love of a friend is not so calloused. We who are shy and lonely mustn't be criticized simply because we are tongue-tied or ridiculed simply because we are awkward. We need love and friendship as much as our more gregarious counterparts, and we have as much to give. We ought to be drawn out gently, with deference to our fears, but without dismissal of what we might have to say, given a safe haven to say it. It could be a lot.

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Kate
4/4/2015 12:43:25 pm

I think the lonely people have been lonely for so long that they have gotten used to having one person to look after & that's what made them selfish. That's my theory.

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Jo
7/6/2015 01:18:57 pm

What a load of twaddle! Society norms are so strong that many people end up lonely because either they can't confirm to those norms or they are just less pliable than those who do! Plenty of people marry partners to conform rather than for love - and look at the mess that creates!! Divorce and confused children who don't have the security to cope in this harsh world. Now that's what I call selfish!
Those who don't conform and think more independently can become lonely, but I struggle to call that selfish.
There's a lot wrong with this world. Conforming to it's norms is not helping this world at all. We need more independent thinkers who question and are prepared to live outside the box. Loneliness may be the price to pay as conformists resent those that don't and feel a sense of smugness about fitting in.
This guy has a very narrow point of view and shows how disinterested he himself is in the plights of others.
I'm pretty sure he would be the last to provide any human comfort to his fellow man or woman struggling emotionally. No doubt he would find it selfish that another may need that.
Walk a mile in another's shoes before you judge anyone

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Gato
12/15/2016 05:15:09 pm

I agree with everything you wrote here

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Leonardo
9/4/2015 03:49:58 pm

I don't believe this. This guy is being a hypocrite himself. Jeff has probably never experienced being lonely in his life ever. I would say people who are lonely are some of the most integral people in this planet. Can it be true that a person with integrity can also be selfish? Yes of course, it can happen, but not all lonely people are selfish.

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Matt
3/20/2016 10:52:05 am

First, ask Jeffrey why he feels so strongly about people who are already suffering. Ironically, answering this question, will unveil Jeffrey's own "selfishness", aka being wrapped in his own feelings, opinions, about something he is so ignorant of.

No, lonely people are not selfish. I am not "selfish"–I don't know how my condition harms or detriments someone's life. I am *self-centered*, because it's the only way to allow myself the love, and validation, and acceptance I was never given from the outside.

Maybe you should talk to some lonely folks, Jeffrey, you'll realize they share the same story as mine. But are you "unselfish" enough to put being proven wrong over protecting your ignorance?

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pat
4/27/2016 07:44:11 am

I'm 70 and been on the single bandwaggon for 5 years and though I have a very busy life creatively I find it difficult to tolerate 'shallow' non committed people. I commit to people I think make good friend material but am still amazed at how there seems to be a complete lack of interest by others in my life whereas I love to learn about people and share their interests unfortunately if it is not reciprocated after a year when I have been clear about what I think friendship means for me, just let them go and stop being the person who keeps contact.

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Monica
3/12/2017 06:21:53 am

This is going to sound cruel, but I think the harsh reality is that, as humans need to be part of a social group, we are hard-wired to seek out groups, not individuals. We may not like to even acknowledge this is part of our thinking. In the main, when nobody knows you, nobody wants to know you! You're a dead-end with no contacts, and therefore a potential liability/drain. That's certainly my experience- can't say I like people much as a result. I'd love to say, oh, get out there, be nice, make friends! People judge loners as social pariahs, it's a pack instinct. As ironic as websites that advise you to talk to friends and family when you're depressed - when your family are the cause of the problem and you have no friends!

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M
5/1/2017 10:40:34 am

What Jeffrey's talking about here has a name: Codependency.

When someone relies too much on other people for their sense of self worth, that is codependent.

That can be whether they're looking for other people to prop them up, care for them, listen to them, do the things they want or keep them company; or whether they're constantly trying to look after people, control people, rescue people, lavish gifts on people or manipulate people by showing what a 'nice' person they are.

Either way it's using others as a drug to feel better about the self.

Healthy boundaries and relating patterns create an interdependent dynamic where two people can support each other in a give-and-take friendship.

But a chronic codependent is forever focusing on other people, being boundaried once people figure them out, and then feeling resentful at the world without ever looking at themselves and their own motives.

Everyone is a little bit codependent, and when we suffer disappointments and emotional traumas our boundaries break down and we can become more so. But left unchecked it becomes a chronic mindset that destroys relationships and deeply damages people's lives.

I was one of the lonely, resentful, needy people mentioned in the article above until I realised my own codependent patterns and changed my motivations. Now my relationships are based much more on authentic connection and not so much on leeching from others (although when I'm deeply upset, that stuff still comes out).

There's loads more on codependency online, but this is a good place to start. Not everyone likes the 'diagnosis' approach, but I found looking below the surface to see the psychology at play to be fascinating and helpful. When you start to see the patterns emerge in yourself and those around you, it really is an eye opener.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

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Tiana
6/24/2017 12:20:33 pm

I see what he's saying, and I believe now I may have been acting just a bit selfish but when you've put in so much for others, whether it was a little or a lot for me it constantly backfired to a point where I don't even try to really have a good friendship that's consistent back and fourth because I just can't do it anymore, for the time being. I just truly need a break. I can't do it without wearing myself down. But if really looks like I'm so selfish then I guess I have to hide my personal feelings. I truly never mean to affect others around me with these feelings but it seems as though I cannot care for myself without looking selfish and building a bridge away from my family...

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anonymous
9/28/2017 02:08:31 pm

Yes, he's right that people with social anxiety and trust issues are selfish. What damaged person wouldn't care about their well-being? Selfishness is not bad, it's what keeps people alive.

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Todd James link
11/5/2017 01:42:13 pm

Actually everyone is selfish, to an extent, or at least most of the people I encounter. I always laugh at people who accuse others of being selfish in order to make them guilty so that they give them something. Usually if someone tells me I'm selfish I find it ironic because that person wants to be center stage and my own self respect gets in the way.

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forgaggles
12/17/2017 11:24:26 am

Loneliness is a place inside where one either withers away OR recharges one's batteries. It is not a result of any of the above, but most especially not a result of "selfishness."

A baby is attached and connected to a nurturing mother. When it is born, it suddenly finds itself: detached and alone.

Is it in the ultimate state of Selfishness? Neediness? Helplessness?
Perhaps.

But it is meant to Grow: to become more independent.

It will now breathe on its own, and food must enter its mouth, and it will soil itself and must eventually learn to both feed and clean its own messes up. The baby will develop its own personality and character, but its Identity is forever linked to the family from which it sprang.

Identity is the issue, not whether or not someone is selfish. Who am I, and what am I to you?

That is the most basic premise of Relationship. And just because the baby is now meant to learn to stand on its own two feet, that doesn't mean it can grow without being in a healthy connection and relationship with someone else. There must be a balance and safe healthy lines drawn between what is Me and what is You.

Some folks can't relate to themselves, much less anyone one else. And that is Lonely.

It is why one person may be completely Lonely, even though they are adored and have millions of fans, and everyone serving them hand and foot every day...

...while another person lives alone out in the middle of nowhere with their dog or their plants, and only seeing a few folks once in a while - and is content and does not feel lonely.

It's not about selfishness - it's about Identity. I think.

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Danny
12/21/2017 09:12:13 am

He has some good points but on the other hand I know some totally self absorbed self centred people who crave socialising and they are very good at it indeed!.. but on a one to one basis they seriously lack empathy or depth. We are all different and we are all selfish to a degree, survival demands it!.. However we can choose not to take things personally, this can take much work, but when we practice this we become far less reactive in a negative way and far more tolerant of others and our-self, making us more able to accept life as it comes.

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Anonymous
2/11/2018 05:09:20 pm

Loneliness is selfish, so is love, so is anger. The meaning of selfish seems to be the issue, from a philosophical perspective. Loneliness is lamenting the fact that YOUR needs aren't being met, for whatever reason/s. Selfishness is a human condition, necessary, and not a bad thing unless it gets in the way of your ability to give to others without expecting ANYTHING in return, even friendship.

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Yevgeniy Mironichenko
5/2/2018 04:02:10 pm

Loneliness has more to do with pride than selfishness. Social people can be selfish, and lonely people can be selfless. Vice versa. But the one thing that separates lonely people from social people is pride. And I'm not talking introvert/extrovert. That is just simply HOW we interact with people. Not whether we are interacting with people at all. When you're mad at people, mad at the world, mad at yourself, mad at God. Doesn't matter. No one likes hanging out with someone who is angry, jealous, and so forth. Not trusting people with your possessions or emotions separates people, and it happens to all of us at some point because someone will come along and break that trust and take advantage of us. Some people just experience this more intensily from close family at an early age and can never seem to break out of it throughout their lives. Love is the answer.

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I Be Here For You link
7/6/2018 01:03:36 pm

Start a friendship today with a Confidant from I Be Here For You and support a Charity of your choice at the same time :)

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Alvin Gallegos
7/22/2018 05:57:41 pm

Being lonely is not a crime nor always a fault. We choose to be away from others and do nothing about it. I like my solitude and just go out and grab a drink of some sort and just chew the fat when I feel like socializing. Small talk is a great way to loosen people up and just look at what's on the wall and observe it then simply share your thoughts very briefly then ask their thoughts? It's a good way to avoid being too personal and get more than a one word answer. Common ground is a good place to start. It's hit or miss but so what?

What's important is don't rely on being lonely just create your own environment. I was at a coffee house one day and drew a lady into my thoughts as she shared hers and sensed she was open to meet again sometime. My mom goes on about people not coming to see her but ask her if she ever invited them over for tea. Loneliness IMO stems from selfishness or just rather someone else doing the social work for you. If you want to be alone then park on that for a minute and quit complaining if you are worried about how someone else might perceive you/ Get over it and try saying hi or be quiet it's your choice.

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