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The Lonely Blog

Did Philip Seymour Hoffman die of loneliness?

2/4/2014

8 Comments

 
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Renowned actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman died, quite tragically, from an apparent drug overdose. News outlets report that he had 70 envelopes of heroin and prescription medication in his apartment. He had also just recently opened up about his life of addiction and his attempts to overcome it. What makes this story so compelling is the fact that this was a really successful, relatively young actor, being an Academy Award winner, and receiving several Academy and Tony Award nominations. Why would he continue a life of drugs, even after reaching such critically acclaimed success, to the point where it ruined his relationship with the mother of his children and eventually cost him his life.

Could it be that Mr. Hoffman was, in fact, driven by an underlying sense of loneliness?

In a study that I did back in 2001, I looked at poems and narratives from 180 people that were on the topic of loneliness. I wanted to determine what were some of the common themes that were mentioned across the different poems and narratives. One of the themes was Nothingness. Some words that individuals used to describe this theme included “void” “emptiness” “black hole” and “abyss” “hollow.” It was also the third most popular theme among the poems and narratives studied, coming in behind the theme Pain, and then No Direction. In my own experience talking with lonely individuals, you do hear this theme of void mentioned very frequently with lonely individuals often describing this complete sense of emptiness they feel and their inability to fill it no matter what they try.

The void in people’s lives, I would argue, stems from feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and loneliness. The void makes it impossible to ever be truly satisfied in a relationship because the void is never satisfied, it is always hungry, and it is forever looking to be satiated. It is, in another sense, the driving force behind addiction. Addiction is, by definition, trying to fill a need with a destructive, pleasurable activity or substance. It provides temporary relief from the gnawing pangs of the void, which later returns often with increasing voracity and requiring even destructiveness. This kind of destructiveness creates a chaotic environment for the addicted, evidenced quite painfully in the case of Mr. Hoffman, who had a large quantity of heroin and prescription drugs in his apartment.

The question then becomes, what is the relationship between loneliness, the void, and addiction? Why do lonely people often feel empty and how come they are unable to readily full it on a permanent basis? Why would someone turn to temporary solutions, like drugs, instead of finding a more permanent solution? In some instances I believe that individuals are uncertain about how exactly to more permanently fill the void. Most people understand that the void is a void of intimacy and love. However, most people often falsely assume that the intimacy and love that they are missing is from someone else. Mr. Hoffman was in a relationship for 15 years, had 3 kids, and yet the relationship eventually collapsed because of his relapse to drug addiction. 

The fact of the matter is that no one else, like no other activity or substance, can ever truly fill the void. The love that is needed to fill that void is self-love. It is learning to love oneself, to accept oneself with his/her faults and failings, to realize one’s strengths and weakness, and to acknowledge that he/she is a person worthy of being loved and admired. That is no small task to accomplish, because a person may have spent his/her whole life indoctrinated with the belief that he/she is not good enough, is not lovable enough, is not worthy enough and therefore has that thinking ingrained in their thinking. Without addressing this core, fundamental problem, the void will forever remain, unsatisfied, and demanding. It can lead to a life of loneliness, alienating those around you because what you need from others you cannot get or just ignoring others altogether and turning to other addictive behaviors to try to fill the void. Learning to love oneself, to acknowledge that one is worthy of being loved regardless of what one has done, whether one is "good" or "bad," is the key to the cure for loneliness, filling the void, and conquering addiction.


8 Comments
Steve Vaglica
2/5/2014 08:58:04 am

Great synopsis of what I've been dealing with my whole life, Sean! There had always been this great void inside me, and how to fill it skillfully was the most important thing I was ever to learn in life! Ironically, I have discovered through 5 years of psychotherapy that I am the only one that can fill my void, after decades of looking for other people and other activities to fill it for me! Surprise!

Reply
Pippa
2/5/2014 10:58:38 am

Haha Steve you're cute. So are you FILLED now? Are you fulfilled after filling yourself with self love?

Reply
Steve Vaglica
2/5/2014 11:12:51 am

Hi Pippa! I learned how to accept the whole me, and stop hating myself for not being someone I thought I should be. These were the big holes in my bucket that kept draining my natural affinity for myself. Once the holes of self loathing and self doubts were plugged up a bit, my bucket started filling itself naturally. But I still have plenty of little holes in my bucket left that need plugging! Fortunately, the big ones seem to have been plugged, as I don't hate myself anymore. When one stops hating and fearing oneself, the void goes away, I suspect. At least mine did.

OwlJulie
2/5/2014 04:52:42 pm

Ive read recently a study that concluded that most people in jail, including also prostitutes on streets, when asked about their father's presence in their lives and the quality of that relationship, spoke of a terrible relationship including feeling unwanted and abandoned by their fathers. The idea being that without a strong father relationship, children go astray and get into drugs and also prostitution etc.
After reading that study, I have a more compassionate viewpoint towards those in jail and towards people addicted to drugs and towards prostitutes.
I believe that it is our parents' treatment of us that instills deeply held beliefs and low self esteem which causes much shame and an inability to 'overcome' the loss of the learning that would occur with having great parents.

Reply
Steve Vaglica
2/6/2014 02:30:44 am

I didn't realize that fathers were so important in the psychological development of their children!

Reply
ash
2/14/2014 04:55:54 pm

I think self love is defiantly something that is needed....its hard to gain though... It's definitely a struggle with a great amount of people,myself included.

Reply
Liz
11/3/2014 10:32:13 am

I actually think that the 'void' experience is to do with the whole question of existential angst we humans feel (as in, what is our place in the universe, what is my purpose etc etc). Working on self-love will definitely help but it is something most people experience at one time or another but people (like me) without a sense of purpose or other direction in life can often be most affected. I have lived with 'the void' since I was a teenager and it is truly the most crushing aspect to loneliness.

Reply
Stephen Vaglica
11/4/2014 12:51:48 am

Hi Liz,

I suspect that the existential void is a naturally occurring result of our mind's tendency to divide itself in to the observer and that which is observed. We identify our self with an observer that doesn't really exist, observing a universe that appears to be separate from our 'selves'. When we are able to resolve this duality of observer and observed inside our heads, there is no void to fill, as there is no one to fill it. Zen Buddhism has been dealing with this issue of duality of self and other, of observer and observed, for centuries. When the observer we identify with somehow is discovered to be a very persistent and beloved illusion in our heads, and not the real 'us', the existential loneliness lessens, from my experience with it. It will never completely go away until there is no mental construct of an isolated observer to experience it, I believe. Much easier said than done!

However, there are other kinds of loneliness, mostly caused by social isolation, that is, the lack of meaningful relationships with other people in our lives, that are also very painful and crippling, and can lead to chronic depression and hopelessness. In my case, only professional help could alleviate my suffering.

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