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The Lonely Blog

Feeling lonely? Then go join a club.

10/15/2011

157 Comments

 
On the Lonely Quiz, I ask if joining a club is one of the most effective ways of treating individuals who are chronically lonely. Only 34% of the people answered this question correctly. The correct answer for this question is no, joining a club is not a very effective way of treating chronic loneliness.

The first question you may ask yourself is; why is not joining a club effective? More people (66%) were able to recognize that self-help books and websites are not effective treatments either. Ironically one of things that makes self-help books ineffective is the same thing that makes joining a club ineffective. The problem has to do with particular individual traits that a chronically lonely person has. Someone who is chronically lonely, is lonely regardless of the situation that they are in. They are lonely when they are by themselves, and they are lonely when surrounded by others. There are ebbs and flows to stronger feelings of loneliness, but if you were to ask someone who is chronically lonely, they will admit that loneliness is always in the background, like a shadow, always there following their every move. Depending upon the situation, sometimes you are aware of it more than other times, but it is always there.

Chronically lonely individuals have a vicious, cyclical pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving that keep them trapped in their feelings of loneliness. Perhaps they think that they will always be rejected in social situations, perhaps they are very shy or suffer from social anxiety, or perhaps they have trouble trusting others. Regardless of the specific reason, these types of thoughts/feelings create barriers to establishing friendships. Thus, if you have trouble trusting others, you would be unable to get close to them and deepen a friendship. If you are socially anxious, you probably avoid social situations altogether. So, what happens when you take a chronically lonely individual and you throw them into a social group, like a club or a class? Not much. Like anyone else, they reproduce their personality patterns in the group. If they were shy before, pushing them into a club won't make them less shy, they will still withdraw from others.

When it comes to things like chronic loneliness, self-help books have a hard time actually changing people for the better. This is because these patterns of thinking/feelings/behaving are deeply ingrained in the psyche, and it becomes almost impossible for a person to heal themselves. Very much like if you get injured in a car accident, you cannot heal yourself, you need others to help you. Most people who answered the Lonely Quiz seems to have understood this, but at the same time, thought that just being around others with help relieve the loneliness. Again, if you are injured in a car accident, just because there are others around, doesn't mean that they can help with your injuries. The best person to do that would be a medical professional. You need someone who will be able to 1. focus on your injuries and 2. have some knowledge of how to treat your injuries. Similarly, if you are chronically lonely, you need someone who can serve as that medical professional. It may be a therapist, but it may also be someone who has been through chronic loneliness and understands it.

What I'm trying to understand is why so many people think that simply joining a club will effectively deal with chronic loneliness. One simple explanation is that people didn't read or understand what I meant by chronically lonely. Joining a club, in fact, can be very effective for someone with transient loneliness - who experiences loneliness a lot less frequently and less intensely. People with transient loneliness are better able to overcome their feelings of loneliness and move on. Their feelings of loneliness stem from the situation they are in, rather than any personality characteristics. So perhaps, some people got it wrong because they were thinking about transient loneliness as opposed to chronic loneliness.

But surely, not everyone made that mistake. It seems like chronically lonely people would know that joining a club can be ineffective. However, perhaps some chronically lonely people may think that the entire problem lies outside of them and in the environment. Therefore the reason they are lonely is because they haven't found the right set of people to connect with - if they joined the right group, then their loneliness would go away. They are merely victims of circumstance. This mindset is comforting, you can effectively blame the situation around you for your feelings of loneliness. It relieves the chronically lonely person of any responsibility for having the change, "I'm lonely because everyone else sucks!" Under these circumstances, it is understandable that a chronically lonely person may think that joining (the right) club would be an effective treatment for loneliness.

What about individuals that aren't chronically lonely? Why would they think this would be effective for chronically lonely folks? I think part of the reason has to do with the often nonchalant attitude the average person has about loneliness. Loneliness is often not seen as a big problem, the cause seems pretty simple (you have no one around to make friends with) as does the solution (go join a club, meet some people, and make some friends). It ignores the deep-seated roots of chronic loneliness, often in childhood abuse, trauma, or neglect. Lonely people aren't losers because they can't do something as simple as making some friends. Making friends can be very difficult to do, especially if your past has taught you that anyone you love will hurt you. Just dismissing it by saying, go join a club, is actually a rather insulting, crass thing to say to someone who has been dealing with loneliness for years. If it were that simple, I think they wouldn't be lonely today.

Chronic loneliness takes years to form, and by extension, I also feel it takes years to dismantle. There are no simple solutions for this complex problem.
157 Comments
myjan link
10/30/2011 06:29:52 am

my lonliness began when i was born.lwas physically looked after,but never given emotioal bonding or social acceptance.as young as 4 i remember watching others play games and visit with each other.even though i am well educated and can give lectures,the thought of meeting new people fills me with dread,being in a one to one relationship for me is avery loney place

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jose
8/31/2014 10:40:54 am

I understand. I have locked my self from life for the last 57 years and Im 57 year old. I was emotional abandon by my parents. never provided with positive encouragrment nor suport. Was afrfraid of rejection and never loved myself and never been love. No one to talk to or seek advisaed. Now about 3 years met this lady at work an soon as i saw see something hit may heart. A brightness I never felt. But was afraid to aporcher because fear of rejection. When we saw each other on the work floor she would blant a kisson my cj=heck and other times would stop to talk. But my fear was so strong. Then 3 yaers ago she met someone and now has a 2 year old baby. I love this woman and like always late to the show. She knowa how i feel because i had to tell her and im in pain. But we have stayed as frends. But i pray to GOD that before i die i want to experience love, happiness and companionship. It may not be with her but hopefuly some one. But if my future is to be unloved andalone and no hapiness and please take me away fron this life.

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JimA
5/18/2015 06:19:10 am

Jose, I too fall into your situation being raised by non loving parents. Being not loved has followed me my entire life too and I am 67 years old. Maybe one day, my friend, maybe one day. God bless.

Simon
7/6/2015 05:21:50 am

I feel your pain. I've been there. Still there. Sometimes it helps to know you are not alone. Good luck

Rechee
7/10/2015 10:38:08 am

So sorry for your pain all of you! Tell her how you feel. God bless

Henny
8/9/2015 05:48:18 am

I feel the same way. You're not alone, my friend.

ell
6/27/2016 04:09:17 pm

Hi Jose, I know how you feel because the same thing happened to me. A man that lived a street away from me asked me to marry him a few times. Then a few years later i saw him again and he asked me again, so i told him i will think about it and let him know in two weeks time, i had arranged to meet him but when i got there he told me he just got engaged. to a lady he was walking with.

Brett March
7/31/2016 04:55:59 pm

Hey my friend. I know what your goin theough. It seems nowadays getting a woman depends on how much money one makes and what kinda car and how big of a house someone has.....lol
You just keep being a good man and focus on goals and bettering yourself,keep your eyes up toward heaven. Funny how rhings work when we try so jard to find love but when we say "awwww forget it" then love finds us.....hang in there my friend.

Kerry link
9/7/2016 03:28:47 am

Hello jose,I hope this isn't coming late.....I can help you over come been rejected. I am a therapist and i long to work with people like you. Please reply or send me a mail lets talk about you...

Jane
10/13/2016 02:32:08 am

I empathise with you. I have been alone for almost 20 years and I desperately yearn for a partner.

owen
11/7/2016 08:34:02 pm

I totally get you, im very young myself only 23 years old, i too had the same experience with my parents and now with my recent girlfriend it has left me basically f'd up, im so lost i dont know what to do with myself.

Samantha
2/9/2018 09:51:32 am

so sad

Michelle link
5/26/2018 07:59:00 pm

I feel very lonely would like some companionship just come out 2 years ago of a violent relationship which lasted 35years now feel so lonely and don’t know what to do

NIKOS
6/9/2018 05:15:43 am

I as you have known Loneliness all my life. I realised from age of school entry that i was on outside looking in.
Physically.,and not being vain, just facts, i was a pretty boy although never physically non masculine, on contrary. And greek in to handsome teenager. But I have been alone utterly, within family and without. To an extention where being alone .xmas etc birthday etc alone ,Is NORMAL.
To be alone 24/7 normal, to.sit alone with a coffee normal and is not the ability to sit glued to phone .a blessing, to look as if engaged .
I wrote poetry on total Loneliness at age 16 onwards.
I always had a compasionate though, Loneliness.
Suicide attempts, depression yes, and have and did but Loneliness above and beyond.
Now in new country alone.. It is to be asked if better to be in country where born or in a totally new place? Does it add to the pain or give a buffer.
Throughout my life I was known as outward going, joke a minute, THE CLASSIC CLOWN..
Inside I died slowly. And yes lonlier, u election even more barriers.
Now i am older so think thst at my age it is destiny now.
How often to I wish to not exist, to feel nothing,to have this pain taken away.
Selfishness, ? No. I have given a whole life to looking after sick mentality and physically AND DID IT WELL. Always GIVING GIVING.
Oh .I know people, always taking from me emotionally, never asking or showing when the door closed, who there for me to make a cup of coffee or to share a film together.
Xmas etc .people think to be alone on such days is hard. No it is easy. THE REAL TRAGEDY IS WE STOP HAVING SPECIAL DAYS. Sharing with yourself becomes a cutting knige into heart .
To sleep and never wake, to not feel pain

Cval
11/3/2018 09:20:43 pm

I can relate. I'm 51 and grew up in multiple foster homes that were abusive and/or neglectful until 18. I never fit in. Although an attractive female, I've always been shy and a misfit. I have tended to people's needs all of my life and have always been alone, as this article points out, even amongst people.
And yet I continue to exist.

russell welch link
1/2/2019 11:42:40 am

i feel the same way and i,m 59 single male.

Kimy Kimberley
2/7/2020 07:39:48 am

Hi. Your so afraid of rejection that your not giving yourself kf a chance. But inadvertently your rejecting yourself as you may as well be saying to yourself.. No don't try that.. Your most likely get rejected... I mean so you think I could actually be liked.. Accepted.. Loved.. And the answer is yes.. But OK its not guaranteed. The most your loose is some pride but then you have to pick yourself up and try again. But you need to learn to love yourself first. Find things that you like to do. Things that make you feel positive in a good way. Allow yourself opportunities. If you don't find love, well love who you are, what your doing. Love simple things. Observe others and your external existence. Enjoy living in the moment.

Azura
8/5/2017 11:42:47 am

I was also abused and neglected at birth and on ..God is with us though. Write back If you want too.

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Badkismat
8/17/2017 11:45:18 am

I am lonely. Missing you mom dad. Trapped in this world

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NIKOS
6/9/2018 05:24:34 am

I as you. Yes sadness, loss is the lot of all humankind , but for us there is an existential pain thst means there is no soft back drop to manage the pain of loss as many have and I am not jelous.God bless them but for us there is nothing to.soften the pain .

Neil
8/16/2018 09:46:47 am

This 52 year old Brit is very lonely, makes me wonder what I have to do toeet people, it feels like it's impossible!

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Colleen
11/7/2018 05:16:21 am

Iam sorry to here your lonely plight

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Hallie
6/2/2019 02:11:23 pm

Wow this is me to a tee

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June
11/1/2011 04:58:40 pm

With regards to the question you pose? I feel a group situation would not be the way to go. Reason is it's an individual experience, no two people will have the same experience. A group setting might be more damaging because it's not individual; which is why I think therapy with a qualified therapist is really the way to go.

Thanks for starting the blog, I am looking for some answers and it helped me.

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becky link
2/25/2016 06:40:41 am

Hi there I am 34 I have a partner and 3 children and and am very lonely have felt like this for along time and cant seem to get rid of this feeling I haven't got any family that I see apart from my mum and only see her once a week and havent really got friends that I can call friends if you no what I mean there not people I can sit and talk to about how I feel and a shoulder to cry on I just miss adult company someone that could come round for coffee and a chat someone that would invite me round there house for a coffee so I didn't feel so isolated am grateful that I have my partner and kids but I need other company as well friends I can socialise with and its even worse that I have no family that come and visit it is a lonely life just wish I could meet some genuine people for friendship am sick of being on my own all the time when partner goes out and the kids are out with there friends I don't no where to turn for help am suffering with depression because of it.

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Mary
3/14/2016 09:48:10 pm

Hi Becky
I can relate to you. I have a partner who is supportive but no friends or social life. I have no extended family contact - 2 sisters don't want to know me and one adult daughter has cut herself off. I feel my life has been one of constant rejection. People don't necessarily dislike or reject me but I'm not accepted either. I've joined lots of clubs and groups over the years but nobody ever seems to care whether I'm there or not. For example, if I stop attending I never get told "we miss seeing you" or anything like that. I'm only ever accepted in jobs when there's nobody else and as soon as a new person comes along I feel pushed to the side. I don't know how many times I've tried to build friendships within groups or workplaces and failed just to see the newcomer the centre of attention and getting invited to join people for outside activities.
I used to be fairly confident, now I'm severely anxious about meeting new people, depressed and can't see any hope for the future. I don't have much interest in anything anymore and it just feels like I've spent my whole life trying to find a place where I belong. Now I'm 58 years old and tired on trying.

Viki
6/9/2016 05:30:05 pm

I am in exactly the same situation as you Becky. One time I realized I do not love my partner and I am ignorant by him. I feel extremely lonely and have no friends to talk to and listen to. I believe, new love and only love can change my life and put everything in place...

Marty link
11/13/2016 06:11:19 pm

Why can't some of lonely people become friends an talk to each other an care about each other as friends I'm all for it I no u don't no me but lets get to know others like us might work

Mel
4/30/2017 02:43:21 pm

I also share your pain becky. I am in similar position as your self it sucks. I'm ready to give up everything.

September
8/26/2017 01:59:21 pm

Hi Becky,

You r not alone. I am in exactly in the same position as you. I have a partner and kid but I feel so alone. My partner keeps shouting and arguing with me even for a silly things. I don't have a shoulder or friend to cry. From my childhood, I have never been pampered by my parents . They live their life and never thought about me. I don't have any friends as well. I don't have anyone to even share about my burden. I am so depressed and cries alone alla the time. I started talking to myself these days

Michael link
10/22/2017 08:49:53 pm

Hi Mary & Becky -
I find it fascinating that three people who have never met one another can all have a similar story that seemed to lead to loneliness. I pay a lot of attention to detail (and I mean a lot). I'm a Pisces, a middle- child, left-handed, gay and a Christian. You want to talk about feeling lonely? I got hit with every oddity in the world, or so it feels like. Mary - the two places where people have told me they missed me when I'm not there or have noticed when I wasn't there, are Church and Improv Theatre. BUT - if you joined a group and didn't get on board with what they were doing, you'd probably still feel a little lonely...right? At church, the motto is love God, love people, serve others. I've also gone on two missions trips recently and three of the people I met between the two trips are amazing friends. As far as Improv, i started taking classes back in March. Levels 1, 2 and 3 were each 8 weeks long. Now I'm in an advanced class that is also 8 weeks long. And I recently joined an improv troupe. It's four people from the classes where we met. It's cool because we are all on the same page and our experience level is the same. I started it myself (because my loneliness said it was easier that way). But honestly -- I have way more fun in the classes. At improv, you have to work as a team or it's just going to be a disaster. And there are a couple of rules to improv that will help make scenes better. So, you have to be a little group minded when there. You can't be rogue or a loner. My mother committed suicide when I was 25, I'm now 41. My brother lives in LA and the rest of family lives in NY and I'm in Nevada. I don't get to see my college friends much. I'm not dating anyone and don't think I want kids (though I do sponsor one). And, like you, I've let the mentality that "I'm doomed" take over my life. But also learned this weekend that I need to change my attitude and really work toward it if I'm going to be happy. You have to do something about the Loneliness so you can start seeing what happiness looks like. Make sense? I will pray for you. And I'm also a Gen Xer (yet another reason to feel left out or lonely since I'm not a Millennial) and that means we are into physically talking to one another via phone Not words and texts all the time. I can't leave an email in a thread because they won't let me. So, to get in touch with me, look up Nebraska Tire - Improv Troupe. You'll be able to reach me there. God bless! M

Melanie
1/11/2020 09:02:39 pm

I'm sorry for the issues that you are having . I was in foster home s myself and also have no family to really talk about. I got on to look for sopport groups and I see that there is a lot of people suffering from much of the same it just stinks at this point of your life when we think it should be better

Marty mottcarter1966@gmail.com link
11/13/2016 06:06:01 pm

So what do we do about this lonelines I'm tierd of it omg

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Miller Thyme
11/13/2011 06:42:35 pm

I enjoyed reading your take on chronic lonliness, especially the car acident example. It rings true with me.

I am lonley (I would say chronically), depressed, have feelings of despair, & I am quite socially inept (especially with the ladies). I am considering therapy (as well as suicide), but my worry there is being subjected to overmedication and/or locked away in a padded room for the remainder of my life.

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She'll
7/5/2015 09:54:02 pm

Hi there , I totally agree with the mental health worry !! My son is 30 and has had mental health issues but is now leading a fairly normal life but has no friends !! We - his parent felt that joining a club or volountary work to throw him into a situation where he will socially interact would be favourable for him ... But no it hAsnt worked , he will be at a family meal and will say very little , were trying psychotherapy but it could take some time ... I imagine.

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Sarah
1/10/2017 02:41:04 pm

I'm 30 and I'm suffering with depression. I find it hard to make friends as I don't like socialising and don't really go out. Your son isn't alone because I can completely sympathise.
He's lucky to have you both supporting him.

Jane
10/13/2016 02:36:04 am

By finding a private therapist you will avoid medication risks and hugely help your life. Good luck

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Azura
8/5/2017 11:49:00 am

Go to church because" we are not our own we were bought with a price"

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Jane
1/19/2018 11:24:17 pm

Yes, I've been reading these threads and can identify with what everyone is saying. I too go to church but everyone goes home to their own families and you're still left isolated. God does use His people, but if the people are unwilling to be His hands, feet, and mouths, then we are nothing more than a legalistic gathering with the false disguise of Christianity. IMHO, the church age is dead, and there is no LOVE in the churches.

Vin
10/6/2018 07:25:33 am

Nice😊

Bill
11/16/2011 08:17:15 am

The answer to chronic loneliness and depression is an inside job. The thing that has helped me most since the death of my beloved wife is to learn to live in the NOW. Read Tolle's "The Power Of Now." Practice gratitude, even if only the ability to see and walk. Pray. Meditate. Serve others.

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Jovens Nicholas
10/27/2012 01:02:56 pm

Realized that there's a lot of people walking alone in this world. People don't like to admit their venerability. Most of us are to proud to show how lonely we are; in the other hand we seem to let our true nature show when alone or feel like no one is watching or judging us. We all are different but yet the same. I believe that every single one of us is driven by two main ideal words " survival and happiness."

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Cruise
12/9/2013 01:17:40 pm

I agree.
Everyday no matter what... We all tried and keeps on trying to overcome the pain of this feeling alone, we tried surviving the pain without medication and expensive professional therapy that does not help... Lonely people are still alive because of our instinct still tell us to survive it and live and hope.
I guess the hope is why we are all (thou embarrassed) voicing our feelings here to anonymous people.

ENG link
2/14/2012 01:38:20 pm

I feel lonely and depressed because of lonely V-days. I need someone to talk. Also, I need someone special in my life. I want to love and be loved and not grow old alone..

Please help me!

Thanks

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WOL
2/15/2012 11:57:13 am

Join our online support group, http://support.webofloneliness.com/ Excellent place to find others to talk to who are struggling with loneliness as well.

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carl
1/5/2016 04:27:27 pm

hi I'm lonely two your not. on your own and will chat any time if helps carl

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ell
6/27/2016 07:52:59 pm

hi, i am sorry that you are so lonely, i will talk to you when ever i can if it will help ok.

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ell
6/27/2016 07:55:35 pm

i will talk to you when i can ok.

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danson
6/26/2012 09:01:36 pm

i need love.....im so lost in this world ....im missing those i love.....i let you down it hurts me so much im suffering ....so much .....but i can make it because my God is faithful and just and He will protect me....so i will pray to Him...

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hatillo133
11/23/2013 02:56:51 am

Sir understand greatly. Im 56 yrs old. Never been love, never had relations. But the worst of it the pain i suffering are self inflicted. I have let fear and no self estem rule my life. I pray to GOD to terminate my life. I wake up wanting to die. And presently a wonderful Lady lit a spark on a emotion that extingquis in the 70s. But my fears of rejection has prevented me from moving and now she has another love. It hurst so much. I want to die.

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Meg
7/23/2014 12:38:16 pm

Hi ! Loneliness is a terrible thing, butch there are solutions, one get pray and ask God to direct your path. Second help someone today anything.

Resian Letoya
12/16/2018 04:40:20 am

Can I please talk to you?

Techee
7/10/2015 10:39:08 am

Beautiful

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Tom
7/27/2012 05:38:57 pm

I have heard so many times from people that in order to make friends, "join a club". Well I've done that. I've gone to church groups, meetup groups, and others; and with all of the times I have gone I never made a single friend.

Just the other day, I went to a depression group. I told them what was going on with me, but I never used the "L" word (lonely). The people in the group just assumed that I was lonely. So they started blurting out all kinds of advice about joining groups. I told them that I've done that and it didn't work. But they just kept going on about it. It all seemed patronizing to me.

At that depression group, I felt like there were some gender politics with it. It seemed like when women went and said that they were lonely (yes, that has happened there) others were very sympathetic with them and would exchange phone numbers with them. But with me they would just give me advice.

I've been told that if you want friends and want to get out of loneliness, you "gotta get out there!" Also I've been told that the more you get out there, the more chances you have at making friends. Well, I guess that's true. But I believe that if you want to have friends and get out of loneliness, it's about quality within yourself, not quantity. High quality can go very far. Low quality can make you go for high quantity and you would go no where.

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Efraim
5/20/2015 11:11:38 am

Tom, it's been years since you posted your comment, but I'm just coming upon it now. You raise an extremely important point I think is partly behind the greater rate of successful suicides among men. While I don't wish the terrible suffering of most suicidal ideation or chronic loneliness that can precipitate it on anyone, there is grave gender bias in this regard. Men are supposed to "toughen up" and fix our own problems. At least that's the frequent real message, despite the PCism you confront all over the Internet. And it's contributing to more and more of us hiding our pain, and when the pain is too great for us, just ending our lives.

On a separate note, I agree with you wholeheartedly that just going out there and trying to make friends doesn't always work. I wish I could remember the name and research publication reference for the California social psychologist who wrote about loneliness that one of the silent challenges to overcoming it none of us wants to discuss is that it requires the other party(ies) be willing to interact with us on a deep level. There are many legitimate reasons others may be disinclined to engage us deeply such that loneliness abates, but if we point this out, we're accused of proffering excuses, despite the wealth of research that corroborates the assertion.

Lastly, I also agree with you that where loneliness is concerned, quality of relationships significantly trumps quantity of relationships. Many of us have acquaintances whom we're amiable with at work, in local stores we frequent, through the many athletic and social clubs we belong to, but, as alluded to above in the reference to the social psychologist, these people interact with us because it's nearly a necessity. And despite the easy laughs, the quick and frequent chats, the relationships may not develop into anything substantial--especially today when so many people are so "busy" pursuing quantity.

I wish we could exchange ideas, and I hope you've found great relief for your own loneliness.

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Matt
8/20/2012 01:54:09 am

Hi I am Matt, and like most I guess who have come across are very alone and very lonely, although I do have a few in my life around me who I love and cherish, I also fail to connect with them mentally and emotionally. I am very very early in my acceptance that I am very lonely, that I have issues to deal with such a anxiety and I guess some level of depression. I do realise though within my self that joining a club for socialisation recreation is not the answer for me... I have to heal myself and accept me first... anyway, good luck and love to you all out there, try to hold your heads up high and be proud of who you are. :)

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urmi
1/30/2013 01:19:27 am

youre not alone matt. i too am in thw same position. i was in athletics and now im so huge and sick that i cannot walk. i used to top my class and now i cannot even clear my tests. its been going on since a very long time and i feel life is passing by me

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mona
1/24/2014 12:49:36 am

Hey urmi ...I am also suffering from lonliness ..Its not that i have some problem i am perfectly fine but my level of thought dosent actually matches with anyone...if u need a friend u can contact me..

Sheila
7/13/2015 11:00:29 am

I am also lonely have been for about 9. Months my husband went to prison for something he didn't do but was find guilty so I see him twice a month and is so hard to live in my home by my self I am ,54 but on disability plus I do work enough not to lose my disability how old are you matt

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Matt
5/21/2018 12:55:35 pm

Hey Sheila reply me plz

veronica link
9/29/2012 05:39:20 am

you knw what i really liked ur blog....i have been always alone, never had friends, and when i tried to make friends i got false friends they always pick up on me...........i have suffered and only suffered till now! my life and darkness cant be distinguished....... :'(

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Vineet
7/29/2016 12:11:05 pm

Hey, Veronica, I'm too lonely living in Victoria from last 4 months and font know anyone here, feel like a dead here, need to make friends here but atm I'm not happy with my life

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Janet
8/9/2018 11:10:28 am

Hey Veronica just came across your post recently .It's like you describing me.How is your situation now?Please let me know. Thanks

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Kristina
12/4/2012 01:54:33 am

Insightful article. I think the answer to loneliness is both. It's both getting out there and increasing our social circle AND it's also work within ourselves to heal ourselves of whatever is getting in the way.

I do feel happier when I get out there and engage in conversation, sharing, etc. And it is true, for me, the only times I've made friends is when I did get out there and was open. However, having said that, I still have trouble getting close to others and bonding. That part is the inside job.

Oh, but how I'd love to find a group of people I love to socialize with on a regular basis. That would be great.

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Janet
8/9/2018 11:08:45 am

Hey Kristina I came across your post only recently.Please let me know if you still experiencing this loneliness still as I am.Would love to chat.Thanks

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Janet
2/5/2019 08:40:52 am

Still experiencing this loneliness? Would love to chatm

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Harry
1/19/2013 06:03:42 pm

I experienced a very negative experience in college many years ago
that involved some very negative people. It changed me to be a
little suspicious and angry which I think or know people perceive.
Anyway, lonely people have to be so careful as it is very very easy
to attract very bad and sometimes psycho people. Most of the
holidays I'm by myself and dreaded the excuses relatives made
as to not inviting me for Christmas this year. Still I'm grateful
for relatives and a special friend far away I have kept in contact
with through the years. Yea, we can have great conversations
with a few laughs with people but when it's said and done, they
go their way and we go ours (should I apply this only to me?).
I have resumed a friendship with a guy I met at a homeless shel-
ter a few years ago. It's nice to talk to him daily on the phone
and ocassionally go out. When I look at him and another person
I hung out with, I see the loneliness they have. It's nice when you
connect with someone compatible to you. When I look at him
and few others, I see the loneliness in their lives. Yes, this relieves
loneliness but not the kind for a person to be intimate with - you
know the bf/gf thing.
the gir

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yogesh
6/26/2013 07:46:12 am

The prime root of loneliness is depression. Depression is all about being lonely. In Medical Sciences, there is no treatment of loneliness as such, the treatment is all peripheral. Loneliness or getting bored always is somewhat the same. Its almost the same cause.

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STEVE
8/31/2013 10:50:54 am

I HAVE BEEN LONELY ALL MY LIFE, ALL STARTED FROM A SO CALLED FATHER NOT CARING IF I WAS ALIVE OR DEAD.
NOT TEACHING ME ANYTHING THAT A GOOD PARENT SHOULD, EVEN IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM THE ADULT TEACHES THEIR OFFSPRING HOW TO SURVIVE.
BEING INCREDIBLY SHY AND MARRING THE FIRST PERSON THAT COME ALONG, ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT SHE HAD BEING RAPED AND COULD ONLY KEEP ME AT ARM'S LENGTH, BEING IN A LONELY MARRIAGE FOR 28 YEARS.
SO I KNOW WHAT CHRONIC LONELINESS FEELS LIKE.

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jose
11/21/2013 01:41:31 pm

im 56 year old n been a loner and a lose since i was 11 years old. i find my self in the wrong era. i dont belong in ths time. dont have friends nor ever had a love nor dated. only 1 sexual expierence. i could be with family or in a room with pople n still fell lonely. pray for my termination evyday.

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Cruise
12/9/2013 12:50:24 pm

Well I guess I'm one of those who are... I travelled and lived in different countries. Educated, and one could say lucky in life. One would think that good looks can easily win you friends. Wrong. I never feel accepted. I never feel I really have real close friends in females. With males they always loose interest or doesn't want to be friends with me as I always turn them down . Men always think that loneliness means you are looking for sex and relationship. It makes me only feel like distancing my self when males approaches me this way.

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marie
1/11/2014 01:01:26 pm

i feel happier around people, but since I been married i felt that my husband took all my social support away. I feel so alone and there are times that I wish I could run away.

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Y
11/19/2014 01:27:51 am

It's easy to feel lonely in a relationship when the relationship is totally dysfunctional. All the more because people on the outside often assume you're anything but lonely. I guess the key is to try and talk to your partner - discuss with them how you're feeling. Get a counsellor involved to help if need be.

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lucy
8/3/2016 04:51:49 pm

if your partner does not respect you to listen, what can you do...I am married to a guy who always tell me to shut up if ever I tell him of how I feel; I think he is the one contributing to what is going on in me

Luisa
5/27/2017 09:18:08 pm

I totally agree Communication is the key

Fran.
4/27/2015 03:42:06 am

Yes Marie, thats what happened to me. I was full of life before getting married and then gradually the life in me drained away. I truly wish I'd left him many years before I finally did. Now I have no-one to talk to.

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Jan
3/1/2014 05:26:48 am

I seem to hear that we are alone in all of our relationships, with ourselves, partners and others.

Loneliness is and it will be experienced by all of us at some point in our lives, I wonder if it is the way we perceive and handle this with another way of thinking it as an opportunity to find out about ourselves and grow.

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espy
5/31/2014 09:25:43 am

My life has been a series of ups and down. I just recently move to Canada and I just realized that I left all that group of friends I had from childhood behind now am at a loss I don't know how to make new friends how to communicate. This has been named going on for about a year now and am getting scared that this is it for me. They keep telling to step out of my comfort zone but most things are a more than one activity which makes me feel alienated even more. I work among the most cheerful group of people but none of them know how I feel inside all I do is just paste a smile on my face no one know how I really feel

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Colleen
11/7/2018 06:32:29 am

Don't know whether you still visit this site. What I reply goes like this...Get out of your comfort zone. when my feelings, others are so similar in their feelings. The are finally relieved to know they are not alone on the planet-like we all have a tendency to think. Comparative notes in a beautiful...now that is where the answers lie regarding loneliness.

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Efraim
7/26/2014 10:06:21 pm

I can't speak about anyone else's experiences with chronic loneliness. But I know the causes of my own, and the final outcome. I have flaws. Many of them. But I doubt I have statistically more flaws (or more extreme flaws) than the average member of the communities (academic, familial, professional...) I've lived/worked in. However, I'm a member of multiple widely despised groups (phenotypically, by no choice of mine--but rather by birth). We're free to choose whom to associate with, so it seems reasonable to me that most have chosen over my life course not to associate with me any more deeply than absolutely necessary. And given most of my associations remain professional, where superficial, blithe expressions are the norm, I've led a long, lonely life. It's no one's fault. It just is.

The effect, however, has been the dissipation of my cognitive integrity. Decades of work with professional therapists and doctors, along with a slew of attempts at self help--exercise, meditation, nutrition, religion..., haven't done any good, but loneliness has utterly consumed me. Certainly joining clubs and organizations--in person and online--only worsened the situation. It's bad enough being lonely. It's far more painful being snubbed by countless group members who rationalize their behavior with the ultimate justifications: freedom of choice, and personal preference.

Anyhow, after many, many, many, many years spent pacing an empty house, feeling my chest tightening from the anxiety of unmet social needs, not being able to sleep more than 3 hours a night/day, and finally having attained the age where it is "good" and "right," so my culture expounds unofficially, to be alienated (after all, it's about the young people--I've had my life, I'm scolded), I've decided, with help from others like me whom I've met online, to end this life sentence of torturous ostracism. And to hell with anyone who would nay-say me. They had their chance to show a little compassion, to spend a few minutes talking or just sitting with me. I reached out. I begged. I bribed. To no avail. So rather than suffer longer, I will die.

Thank whatever-gods-may-be that I don't have to die alone. And that is how I've come to the happiest moments of my life. Meeting others who accept me--and my myriad foibles--and who'll walk the last few steps with me. In the end, I won't be lonely.

So let the academy and the armchair analysts speculate on what constitutes loneliness, and what its effects may be. I'm finally outta here.

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nina
9/1/2014 06:09:45 am

You Are not alone. but giving up is not the answer. we have to have hope that we can make it to another day. maybe there is some hopeover the horizon, you dont know why you came to this world in this situation but i got to have faith its for a purpose. please tell me you are still tere

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Efraim
9/2/2014 03:11:18 pm

Nina, I appreciate your kindness and enthusiasm, but how does any human being know that giving up is not the answer? That seems to me, while well-intentioned, to be a value judgment solely bound by the mind of the individual considering the problem--as in whether the music of the Beetles is better than that of the Rolling Stones. I don't mean to appear unappreciative or academic, but the problem with most popular (and professional) answers or responses to people's frank expressions of frustration and pain derived from their own intimate, unique experiences of life is the abstraction of value and meaning. These things don't appear to have any objective substance outside an individual's mind, save for what types of thinking a given species might have to perpetuate the individual's and the group's survival. We do not "have to" hope (for) anything. It might feel nice to hope, but there are no guarantees in life. Only the one living life can make the decision to stay or go, or can decide whether the effort involved in possibly bringing about an end is worth it. We all die anyhow, so the question to many of us is just how many times we want to get up after getting beaten down viciously.

Again, I don't mean at all to be critical of or ungrateful for your kindness and time to reply. Those are gifts. Thank you. I only mean to point out a truth very few--especially professionals--appear to want to address: that other than the mechanics of life, all else we can say about what *should* be or how others *should* act/think is an expression of subjective values, the construction of the broad concept of mental illness notwithstanding.

Thanks for your kind reply to my comment.

Efraim
9/3/2014 03:31:48 pm

Nina, I appreciate your kindness and enthusiasm, but how does any human being know that giving up is not the answer? That seems to me, while well-intentioned, to be a value judgment solely bound by the mind of the individual considering the problem--as in whether the music of the Beetles is better than that of the Rolling Stones. I don't mean to appear unappreciative or academic, but the problem with most popular (and professional) answers or responses to people's frank expressions of frustration and pain derived from their own intimate, unique experiences of life is the abstraction of value and meaning. These things don't appear to have any objective substance outside an individual's mind, save for what types of thinking a given species might have to perpetuate the individual's and the group's survival. We do not "have to" hope (for) anything. It might feel nice to hope, but there are no guarantees in life. Only the one living life can make the decision to stay or go, or can decide whether the effort involved in possibly bringing about an end is worth it. We all die anyhow, so the question to many of us is just how many times we want to get up after getting beaten down viciously.

Again, I don't mean at all to be critical of or ungrateful for your kindness and time to reply. Those are gifts. Thank you. I only mean to point out a truth very few--especially professionals--appear to want to address: that other than the mechanics of life, all else we can say about what *should* be or how others *should* act/think is an expression of subjective values, the construction of the broad concept of mental illness notwithstanding.

Thanks for your kind reply to my comment.

Lucy Flores link
9/2/2015 06:12:45 am

Would like to be your friend.

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Lucy link
9/2/2015 06:19:58 am

Taking your life away is for cowards.Lets be friends.Text me.

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Delphin
8/19/2014 09:23:12 am

I dont know what I am thinking now. I find no hope to connect to the world outside, even with family and friends. I am demotivated to do anythings possible that could make me feel better now. I cant sleep now and keep crying. Am i lonely? The most terrible thing is that I feel I cant share my feeling with anyone else. Fear of being judged or criticized? I dont know! I have been suffering loneliness for a long time and tried to get over it by myself all the times. But recently I think its too much for me. I am overwhelming with life and career difficulties. I wish there could be a trustworthy shoulder for me to cry on or a warm handholding...

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Maria
8/31/2014 04:42:40 am

I found this page after searching a club or people with whom I would be able to talk to. I have been feeling alone for whole my life even though I am quite sociable person, somehow I couldn't feel understood by them. I am feeling I have so much to offer to the world and good people and I am so tired of dishonest and stupid people that just care about the social status and materialistic things. If anyone needs a friend to talk to, I will be here. It would be nice to feel lonely together.

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Muddhu
8/30/2014 09:12:56 am

Loneliness I took a lot of time to join this group, May be these two two weeks made me to take up decision. I am surrounded by family, friends,and boy friend too but still I feel lonely, no one il listen,al are in Thr world,and not bothered. My future I really dunno Whr il end up in yet m completing my Msc still, no one il bother, not able to talk to anyone bout it,

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Efraim
9/2/2014 03:12:28 pm

Nina, I tried to reply to your reply to my comment above, but this website wouldn't permit the reply. I appreciate your kindness and enthusiasm, but how does any human being know that giving up is not the answer? That seems to me, while well-intentioned, to be a value judgment solely bound by the mind of the individual considering the problem--as in whether the music of the Beetles is better than that of the Rolling Stones. I don't mean to appear unappreciative or academic, but the problem with most popular (and professional) answers or responses to people's frank expressions of frustration and pain derived from their own intimate, unique experiences of life is the abstraction of value and meaning. These things don't appear to have any objective substance outside an individual's mind, save for what types of thinking a given species might have to perpetuate the individual's and the group's survival. We do not "have to" hope (for) anything. It might feel nice to hope, but there are no guarantees in life. Only the one living life can make the decision to stay or go, or can decide whether the effort involved in possibly bringing about an end is worth it. We all die anyhow, so the question to many of us is just how many times we want to get up after getting beaten down viciously.

Again, I don't mean at all to be critical of or ungrateful for your kindness and time to reply. Those are gifts. Thank you. I only mean to point out a truth very few--especially professionals--appear to want to address: that other than the mechanics of life, all else we can say about what *should* be or how others *should* act/think is an expression of subjective values, the construction of the broad concept of mental illness notwithstanding.

Thanks for your kind reply to my comment.

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Szafranska
9/12/2014 04:38:13 am

I felt alone without my husband. I couldnt sleep at nite and I felt insecure without him. This is silly cause I never know will he feel the same things when we in distance for few month.

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Kennedy Sutton
11/10/2014 02:02:35 am

I have been feeling lonely and depressed for a number of years now since my family and I were attract In Zimbabwe due to the situation between the British and the Government of Zimbabwe.
I had businesses and property's that were taken from me because my Father was British and I was also classed as British through my Father.
Even though I was born In Zimbabwe which at the time the British took over my country many years before I was born, this country used to be called Rhodesia. We had to run for our lives when Mugabe sent his people to try and burn us in our house at night because I refused to give up everything I owned to them. My wife was badly injured in the event, but we managed to get away and had to drive all the way to South Africa where my wife died in hospital a week later. I was left all alone with my son and tried everything to get my son to the UK which I finally managed to do.
Ever since then my life has been going down slowly, and my son has grown up with no care anymore about love and care for his family due to the situation we have both been through. I have tried so hard to find descent people in the UK to make new friends exc, and honestly, I seem to be meeting always the wrong type of people who just take advantage and have no care for others. Since we have been in the UK, we noticed that most people are not friendly and if they don't know you, they tend to keep to them selves. Since we have been in the UK, we have been racially abused mostly from government officials exc. Even when my son was in school, he was racially abused and he keeps things so trapped inside and try's to block out everything and will not talk to me about it. I actually don't blame him for that after all he has had a tough many years of this bad situation. From a person who was wealthy to someone who has nothing and is living isolated in my house day after day wondering what the next day has in store for us. I stay indoors every day so that I don't meet more trouble out side, it is the only place i feel safe from unnecessary trouble. I can not get a job here or used my professional mind. As soon as people realize that I am from Africa, people tend to just shut doors on me unless it to pay for something in the shop. I have also acknowledged that people in the UK don't like people from Africa and I feel its because of all the news they have heard from there.I don't know how I have actually managed to survive so long, and I suppose that 1. I think I did not want to leave my son being on his own, and 2. I have been hopping that someday god has a plan for me and my son. I have been waiting far to long now to think that god will help me lift up anymore, so I have been trying to find sites to find people in the same sort of situation as me to communicate with. I actually don't like talking about my situation to anyone simply because people in general don't like to hear depressing story's, so I have kept this bottled up inside for many years and feel that soon if nothing changes, I will die young. I know one thing, that I was brought up in a good loving family and with a very professional father and mother. My father was a director of music and also was teaching me music from the age of 5 years old, and my mother was a professional book keeper among st other things. My father died many years ago and my mother died last year. so I feel even more alone then before. So when I read someone of the depressing story's here, I can totally relate of what people are going through. You can only know the real feeling, when you go through it yourself, other then that, to just tell anyone about your experience with out them going through it, they can't even understand what your really feeling inside, and that hurts allot.I completely understand why people won't understand, because I was once in that situation where I was happy and enjoying life, and if anyone had said something to me then about some terrible thing, I would just think they were looking for sympathy exc, but actually that is not it at all. People need help and that is a cry out for help. To say what kind of help we are looking for, most of us don't know exactly, we just need someone to comfort us and be there for us, and that is called real love and care. people that don;t think so, were not brought up learning how to love and care for someone, as simple as that. God brought us all into this world to love and care about each other, but most choose not to, and that is a real shame if you ask me because there are so many of us that have all this love and care bottled up inside us, but no one to give it to. I bet god is disappointed in people, because he did not teach us this way, so because of that, most people tend to follow the devil's ways. I just thought I would give a peace of my mind out there so someone can relate to where I'm coming from. PS no one is perfect so excuse me if you don't agree thank you.

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Janet
8/10/2018 02:16:51 am

Hello Kennedy. I only came across your post today. How are you doing now?Has your situation improved any and how's the loneliness. Pls chat to me.

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Osman
12/17/2014 05:17:27 am

The solution of loneliness lies inside each 'lonely' person. Generally speaking, lonely persons have deep negative feelings about themselves and/or the environment around them. However, each and every person on planet earth has a highly positive quality, a skill, an attitude, a trait, something positive that he has more in a degree above average. It might be art, sense of humour, special skill anything. just dig deep and you'll find it, it might be there so obvious, you might have even heard some comments about every now and then. Find this thing, this special gift you have, you are born with, it's just you never focused on it, may be because all the negative feelings you have. Take a few moments of flash back of your whole life and try to find it. It sure is there. Find it. And once you find it put it into use, into positive use, even if it's most common use is negative, try to find a way to use it positively. When this special gift you have is put into use PEOPLE WILL COME TO YOU. They'll want to be your friends, and because you've put it into use you'll feel SO SURE OF YOURSELF..hence, the main blockade between you and people will fall down by itself. It needs a lot of work, deep digging work, but it's worth it

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Sibusiso Lwandle link
7/23/2018 10:16:31 am

Osman this is brilliant. You narrow it down to one thing, to find our identity on this earth and then everything else falls into place. The reason why I love your view is because many of the typical solutions to loneliness end up putting more pressure on the one experiencing it to perform or work harder at making friends for example. This leaves the person feeling more defeated when they fail to do that. Whereas what you are saying if I'm interpreting it right is; find yourself, and then others will find you. This is what I'm currently doing. I'm using my loneliness as a platform to discover who I am. We tend to run away from the loneliness, but I want to embrace it, for the next couple of months I want to find and work on who I am. Because I realise I've never consciously done that before. I've always tried to find coping mechanisms for it, some of which are more destructive than others.

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Betty
12/28/2014 01:14:33 am

I understand what everyone is saying on here. Im lonely 58 yr old, living in an over 50s block of flats, where everone keeps to themselves.my lonleynes started at a very young age ( family of 11 kids) i always felt left out, didnt have many friends. I did grow up and get married, had two children. They grew up and got their own lives, my husband cheated and left. I did meet someone else who i thought loved me but he ended up cheating too, i had to move out of his house, so ended up alone although i kept my ex as a friend (with benefits) i now find out hes told me lies and cheated again. So now im totally alone. I dont sleep, pace the floor at night with stuff going on in my head! Turned to drinking just to get some respite but it doesnt work. Addicted to co-codamol to try to calm me down as i get angry and upset that ive ended up all alone. It hurts.

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Sylvia
11/28/2015 12:43:08 pm

Hi, Betty hope you are better, I have been there, pray for God's strength and mercy, I hope this year finds your spirits lifted. One day at a time.

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Ed
4/2/2015 07:08:39 pm

I get lonley from time to time. When I feel that depression stars to creep in I make up a gift and give it to any person that might need it. Sometimes just encourage another person. It lifts my emotional level and acts like fuel to a vehicle.

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Efraim
5/20/2015 05:32:30 pm

Ed, thanks for sharing this comment. I do the same thing--for my sole long-time friend on the opposite end of the country, and for local acquaintances. Like you, I find it lifts my spirit because I feel, ironically, as if since I'm doing it, someone else may eventually do it for me. Sadly, the buoyant feeling doesn't last long, and soon I find myself back where I started. Alone. Someone else in this thread said that after the momentary pleasantry of an exchange with an acquaintance, the other person goes her/his way and we go ours, alone again. I agree. Maybe if far, far more of us enjoyed doing what you do, everyday, each of us could look forward to some direct, intentional kindness directed towards us every single day.

Ah well, to dream.

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henny
8/9/2015 05:54:48 am

I did the same thing too lots of times. But when they received the gifts, they were gone again and I felt lonely again.

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Efraim
11/12/2015 02:51:10 pm

Hear, hear!

terry link
4/18/2015 02:15:10 am

I'm reaching out to people who understand that loneliness is a serious situation.I'm 53 divorced after 23yrs of marriage and I have 2children ages22 &19. The marriage was emotionally abusive. Although I had a partner ..I was always by myself & still lonely , he was never at home & I basically raised my children on my own. I've had 3relationships since then, all of them amounting to more loneliness. My children are distant from me because they say I take things personal. I love helping people but that always back fires on me.I always pick people that take my kindness and then take advantage of me. I'm afraid to be social for fear of getting hurt in someway. I've been hurt and emotionally abused,most of my life. I've become overwhelmed with grief and pray I don't wake up from my sleep all the time. I'm looking for someone to understand what being trapped in your life with emptyness feels like. I need to get passed feeling lonely. What do I do?



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Henny
9/6/2015 06:47:10 am

You're not alone, Terry. I wish my english is better so we could talk.
I'm 55 and retired and feel lonely most of the time too. My 3 children live on their own now, they are 30, 29, and 27.
I keep myself busy everyday. Taking pictures, I love photography. Gardening, and sewing. It help to ease the pain and loneliness.

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Sylvia
11/28/2015 02:02:12 pm

Hi Terry, ask God for strength to get you thru the day, and give thanks for another day, it's really hard I know, but we have to find meaning somehow to our lives, I know your pain, I am distanced from my family, never felt part of them, but you matter, don't ever forget, if you want to talk I'm here.

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sherie haines
7/6/2015 07:39:56 am

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beth leilani mercado
11/4/2015 11:42:36 am

i am lonely, and i do not have any reason to be lonely, but i am and i feel isolated and alone. come to think of it, there are reasons why i am lonely!

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j
11/10/2015 11:58:43 pm

I already joining a club is not the answer for my loneliness problem, all I have to say is I tried joining a club with one of my favorite hobbies and only got myself humiliated, my problem is I'm just way too damn different sorry will not and can not explain my problem any further, don't care if this is published or not

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Efraim
11/12/2015 02:54:58 pm

J, I hope you saw that your comment was published. I got an alert in my email account, and came over to let you know I empathize with you. You join these groups of people who're supposed to share your interests, with whom you can supposedly find community, and then they snub you and you feel *even worse* because now you're being snubbed by the people you were supposed to find deep community with. You're right. It's humiliating. And I totally agree with you, too, that some of us are just, using your words, "way too damn different." I wish we could communicate, even just via free online IM. I bet we'd have many similar stories to share.

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patricia shannon
1/2/2016 02:21:58 pm

My brother when I was growing up was sick with two diffrent diseases my parents favored him because they probablly knew he was going to die and he eventually did still it hurt to hear my father constantly praising him when he became ill all their focus was on him i learned early not to trust anyone iv tried to make freinds with the people i work with but their not freindly and i just cant go past a certain level of trying to hard because it brings up the pain from my past so if someone even seems to be rejecting me im done and i dont try again and i know thats a crummy attitude but yes iv learned not to trust people and i agree that joining clubs is not the answer although there is nothing wrong with doing that

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Ruth
3/11/2016 09:34:56 pm

My reason for being lonely is money and chronic pain...it's hard to enjoy being around others without having pain....I don't like to drink so bars are not my thing. I also never felt love as a child and couldn't trust people, because either it was all about sex or me being used financially.

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Michelle
6/9/2016 07:38:09 pm

I am an introvert, shy, low self esteem, almost to the point of being antisocial. I like people and I do try to be friendly, but there is just something about me that makes me unlikable.
I just lost my best friend, my support system, my co driver and my husband of 15 years. It's been almost a month since he pulled up in a Uhaul, packed just a little of his belongings, and drove away without so much as a "goodbye". He left behind all the things that were either gifts from us or stuff he aquired while we were together. No forwarding address, changed his phone number, has his FB set to private, and got another email acccount. To say I'm devaststed is an understatement, but I'm also extremely lonely. I have no friends, my kids are grown, and as far as joining a club, not happening. I am self conscious around strangers, never seem to say the right thing, and as it has been most of my life, I can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. It's like I'm invisible or something.
Right now though, I would be especially bad company. I am not in a good place in my head or my heart. This depression is eating me up inside and I've just gotten to where I hate what my life has become. It's just not right to lose so.much at one time.

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Mike link
6/11/2016 06:42:32 pm

Lonely,yes, soul tired,if your familiar with the expression. Taken large knockdown hits this year. But I continue to endure. Alone most of my life , probably caused by my actions. Losses and moving around as a child ,gave me a I don't want to know you because I might love you,then I will be hurt . Carried on into my adult life with the assistance of chemicals. You always have friends when you've got chems.lol. But all that is in the past now as are the friends. I look around today and wonder is there still hope and love for me. Now at 53 no wife,ex or otherwise,no kids,and no friends. And after this latest knockdown beginning to wonder if it is worth continuing. Why 5 or 10 more years of this same useless existence. Just don't know anymore. Anyway thank you for the article ,there were some valid points for me to consider. And it helped a little knowing there are others out there.

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Colleen
11/7/2018 06:10:17 am

Mike,
Loss is a a huge factor. My beautiful father was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 3...he passed when I was 21. The loss of him certainly has influenced me my connections with other males since, for fear of loss or endings. Hope this heals within me someday. In the meantime, I just do my best to love those around me. Best to you.

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Michelle
6/12/2016 12:22:31 am

@ Mike,
I'm sorry for what you have already been through and what you continue to go through.
I fear what you are concerned with now, the "Is it worth another 5 or 10 years"?
I know people mean well when they say to hold out, there's something better, but what does a person do if that "something better" doesn't come along? Years of lonliness and regret are not something I want to have to face for years to come.
I do hope you find your way back to happiness someday. Good luck.

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Mike link
6/12/2016 02:56:29 am

Michelle
Thank your for your response. That's what has me worried to. Especially as I can see myself growing angrier at life and those that have lives everyday. I don't want to be that "mean old man" that everybody in town whispers about. But the darkness and despair grows larger everyday. Just hard to get up after the knockdowns and dust myself off. Also like to say I am sorry for what you are going through with your husband and your life. And thank you for reaching out to me ,even with what you are going through. I know that took a lot for you to do that. I wish you the best. And as for me, time will tell.

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Michelle
6/30/2016 07:17:10 pm

Mike,

Maybe we can start a new group:
"The Bitter and Broken". I just found out a couple of nights ago my husband has already moved in with another woman. So while you are busy being a mean old man, I can be the bitter, broken, old woman.
Watching the one you love not only forget you, but replace you so easily, does damage that even time may not heal.
Just like you, I'm tired of pushing that boulder up the hill, only to have it roll back down. It's to the point now, that boulder has gotten to heavy and the incline has become too steep.
I hope you are doing a lot better than me and you are able to find some peace somewhere.

Richard florian link
6/18/2016 01:54:01 pm

I believe, life is a gift of God n v human being created by almighty God to share our love, care,concern to each other.

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Aeron
7/11/2016 11:48:10 am

Am 47..lonely somehow..
Thou being married for years..but the feeling is not there.....
Need someone...a lady to talk to...
Am i a sinner???
Or...does love never exist in my life..??

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Lara lulu
11/14/2016 11:42:18 pm

Hiya, you are not a sinner. I can talk to you always.

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Paul
10/2/2016 03:17:54 pm

Just trying to reach out, been pretty much a hermit way too long. Most of my life I had a few friends to hang out with and last several years I have more and more become a loner, been through some hard years so I kinda pushed many away and now I am wanting to find my way out of this lonely world, isolated world I live in it is becoming way to normal and I know it's not and I want to do something about it like start meeting people who can relate.

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Colleen
11/7/2018 06:03:14 am

Align your needs, wants and desires together. That is you path. If they are not in alignment, walk away...it is not the path you need to be on.

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Kyle Leavy
11/12/2016 05:44:22 am

The pain of loneliness just hurts so much. One day I would like to be seen as one of the boys. Accepted by other men and mostly just to be part of someone's thoughts.

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Adi
6/29/2017 03:50:28 pm

Hiii friends I m also facing same problems and I m just 24 year old. Why can we make group where we can share problems and we never feel lonely.

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Sinha
3/15/2018 01:18:48 am

Lonliness hurts

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Suzie
7/25/2017 07:20:55 pm

My boyfriend hasn't proposed to me yet! Starting to wonder if he's found somebody else. He's always away. We've lived together for some time now, but still no proposal. What shall I do?

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Colleen
11/7/2018 06:00:18 am

Leave. and find someone who doesn't have a fear of commitment. Like-minded is what you need.

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Ang
7/30/2017 09:08:32 am

Hi know want your going though I've had no friends for about five months how just feel I'm isolating mySelf can't really hold a conversation much interest swimming walking gardening it all started turn bit nasty my ex best friend though I that stabbed her in the back and I didn't it all got bit twisted she would she would read my other friend side of the story and she wasn't prepared to listen to mine I tried to apologise and she wasn't having none of it so now I'm complete lonely I'm not a horrible person just Started this agnecy job keep asking about friends do you have any friends schoolfriends I don't wanna tell them I haven't got any otherwise I might reject me

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Natalie
8/16/2017 03:29:14 pm

I am alone since birth. I have no friends, no boyfriend, no one who will understand me. I think that I am not important and good enough. I don't like loneliness, it's suffering for me. It's hell, it's the worst thing ever. I don't want to be alone anymore, and I never wanted one. I hate that damn solitude, it destroys me, it kills me. It's like a curse for me. I hate myself, I hate society. I don't know who is worst: I (with all my troubles and complexes) or society (which left me alone, which dislikes me, which hates me without causes, which doesn't care about me). What should I do? Or should I do anything?

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Mike link
8/19/2017 09:59:18 am

Hi Natalie,understand the anger and the pain that goes with loneliness everyday. Wish I had an answer for it,but I am at a loss as well. If you have read my previous posts then you know a little of what I am going through. Would love to be able to tap you on your shoulder and tell you things are going to be alright,but the best I can do is let you know ,there are others who are in the same boat. But please don't let the anger control you as I have. It doesn't help and only isolates you further. Hope I helped if just a little . Be well and have a Blessed Day.

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Janet
8/10/2018 02:47:00 am

Hello Natalie how you doing? Only came across your post today.Sorry. How are things now?

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Scott
12/19/2018 01:24:45 am

Natalie,

I also have had loneliness my whole life.

I pray that things get better for you!

Scott

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lulu briggs
8/28/2017 12:40:30 am

Let us have a group.

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Jack
10/24/2017 08:24:04 pm

I'm 30. I have never had a girlfriend. I have never had a friend I felt close too. Most days I seem to be incapable of talking to people. All I do too fill my hours are work and sleep. I have felt alone since I was a teenager. When I was a kid I was so happy I never had a problem speaking to people and it was easy to find ways to enjoy myself. For the past 15 to 20 hears though everything just requires an inordinate amount of effort. Just to open my mouth and say hi to someone I've worked with for 7 years just takes so much effort. Sometimes I carry a paperclip in my pocket and stab myself between the fingers just to try and force myself to speak. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I'm inside a tomb I will never get out of. I want to be alive I want to be happy and have fun. It's just so suffocating some days I get home from work and my two dogs look at me like I'm a stranger. The only creatures I have left to love are unsure if they want to be around me. I don't know how I got here I don't want to die I don't want to be silent and forgotten. How can anyone help if I can't even figure out how to help myself? I just want to live.

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Nicole
1/21/2018 09:40:17 pm

I need someone to email everyday, feeling lonely, talk about things, please be my friend.

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Janet
8/10/2018 02:22:08 am

Hello Nicole. How you doing.Lonely here too.Let's chat.

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Rajesh
1/22/2018 11:16:22 am

Iam very very sad because of loneliness....feels like doing nothing...can anyone become my friend here...

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Janet
8/10/2018 02:48:52 am

I'm here. How you? Still need a friend?

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visitor
3/3/2018 03:15:28 pm

This article is totally false, there is no such thing as a chronically lonely person who is lonely in every situation, the writer is ignorant and should not be writing such articles. consider a career change immediately instead of giving people bad and false advice.

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Starlove link
4/26/2018 11:23:10 am

Well folks, few of you will understand what I am about to say, but here it is. We live in a universe where the creative force experiences itself through multiple expressions of life. That creative force shares all of our experiences, and it appears that this is all centered around the purpose of growth. Through hardship, loneliness, suffering, lack, rejection, disease, poverty, ill-health, deformity, loss: we grow, and the creative force grows with us. That appears to be the purpose of life, of physical manifestation. Now the rub is, we do not grow when times are good. Pleasure, happiness, wealth, health, popularity, love, do not grow us. our soul growth. This is only respite, periods of rest from the growing process. What we seek most is not what is why we are here. We have lived many, many lifetimes, in many forms, and in many planes. It is a slow, long, tortuous path upwards, with many setbacks and failures. The ultimate goal is reunion with the creative force, where we do not have to individualize any more, reincarnate any more. So, be grateful for your suffering, for your loneliness. It is fast tracking you in the learning process. You have all suffered much, so you will know that what I am saying is true: it has taught you more than all the money and ice-creams and love in the world could possibly have taught you. It is making you wise, understanding and compassionate. Do not give up, there is little point in throwing in the towel. You will have a few years off on the other side, only to be plunged back into life as a baby again, and the suffering and learning will continue. There is only one way out: the top. You cannot escape through the side. Let them who have ears hear.

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Michael Larry Stone
7/11/2018 10:20:40 pm

And where do I go from here. If your theory is correct ,then I was a hell of a womanizer in a past life. As is it is now I have only found one who I would have been kicked out of the garden for. As it is now ,I am ready to throw in the towel on this life and hope I can remember why I got another chance.

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Colleen
11/7/2018 05:56:12 am

So true...your observations. I have worked with the daycare of children and with the geriatric population. We are born into diapers, and most t of us leave in the same manner. Thank you for sharing your wise observation. Best to you always!

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Diego link
5/15/2018 02:35:12 pm

Here looking to meet someone, over 26 old, im from Argentina, to overcome loneliness, talk, meet someone, my mail,message me df767591@gmail.com

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Scott
6/6/2018 09:07:19 pm

I am also plagued with loneliness. As I write this, I am 52 years old and never had much luck with women. What makes matters worse is that I have some social anxiety. I did have a bad relationship back in 1994 that lasted for less than 6 months (she liked to play mind games with my emotions). In December 2016, I briefly saw a woman for about 2 weeks; TO ME, it was “MORE” than friendship, but she found and pursued someone else.

I have been to Meetup groups, but when I went home, I was again all alone. Whenever I am out at a restaurant or something, I would see people holding hands or kissing and I envy that they have that kind of relationship! I feel good for them, to have those feelings of a good relationship, but me being alone all the time, makes me jealous of what they have!

I often heard in my life, “It is better to have love and loss, than to NEVER have love in the first place”. My heart does go out to people that have lost a love one, but at least they had a love. I never had a mutual true love; I can only imagine what that is like!

The few women that I have met in my life, they only wanted to be “friends”; what a kick in the gut! It HURTS and is a big self-esteem breaker when I feel that at least some women would Not want to be MORE than “Friends” with me!

I feel more “alone” when I am in the city surrounded by people (not with anyone) than I do by being in the mountains – totally away from people!

Often I feel a physical pain in my gut of being lonely! Many times, this physical pain of loneliness, that is always present, but comes in big “waves”, I feel that probably I am going to die early in life. But, I also hope that I do not have a long life, IF I just have the physical pain of loneliness!

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Colleen
11/7/2018 05:36:33 am

I too struggle with loneliness. Years ago I realized that yes, you can be in a room and still feel alone. What I had to learn was to get over my own shyness. I literally can into any establishment and truly be a human magnet. People don't ignore me because give them that vibration. Positive attracts positive energy. Hang in there...when you realize, everything will turn around for you. The most important key for you is to rid yourself of distrust. There are individuals out there that do that; however, not everyone is strictly an opportunist. There really good people out there. Attract them to you be letting that one go. (your insecurities about your own ability to trust.} Perhaps an inability to trust others is a projection of whether you are trustworthy. Are you? (just food for thought). Best wishes

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Scott
12/19/2018 01:07:18 am

Thanks for you reply and encouraging words.

lucy
6/10/2018 12:17:41 pm

I know im lonely, but I have to put on a brave front. Im not the type to tell everyone I have something and worry them, we all have ourr own baggages to carry . however, sometimes it will be good if someone recognizes you need someone too. people tend to leave me when im no longer useful and its sad.

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Scott
7/30/2018 11:55:34 pm

I know what you mean. I am always nice and friendly to people. I try to present myself as a happy go lucky person. I often think, if those people only knew the emotional emptiness of loneliness that I feel.

I am 52 and never have had a loving relationship! It feels very empty and depressing! I often daydream of "just how would it be to be in a loving relationship".

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Colleen
11/7/2018 05:23:05 am

Lucy,
Always remember that a higher being brought you here. You have already been granted purpose. Don't allow anyone to take that from you...no matter what.
Love from another human

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Colleen
11/7/2018 06:15:41 am

When we pass, we can not carry the stuff. Remember to pack your suitcase with positive memories of love. However, my children have to bury me with my iPod hooked into my ears. so I have the ability to dance my way to where I am going. Best to you!

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Michael Larry Stone link
8/5/2018 08:33:42 pm

Well it's been nice and nearly 2 yrs. since my last comment. Just stopped by to say bye and hope y'all find what I never did. Peace Out.

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Neena21
10/18/2018 01:41:56 pm

Interesting article. I agree with it, yes it helps to form deep connections. But how does one go about it? Someone on this thread posted that they have worked on their vunerability and still haven't found anyone who was interested in connecting with them on a deeper level.

As someone who has been lonely since her late teens (im in my 40s now) i have joined numerous groups, but have only gotten temporary friendships from them. It takes alot of work, time and effort to make even casual friends past full time education, yet alone deeper friendships.

Theres a lot of luck involved in it as well, to find someone we click with. I'm volunteering and will take up dance classes. But the last few attempts at gaining friendships have left me exhausted.

I know that I have barriers to overcome in terms of deepening friendships (trust issues -- i was badly bullied in school and it left me insecure and severly dented my self esteem); i have been to psychotherapists but i have not found one who really dealt with loneliness.

With loneliness can come depression which can rub you of physical and mental energy. So this needs treating first. Also there is the issue of shyness and social anxiety. Those who have those problems may benefit from joining a support group. First online and then when they are brave enough in real life.

I also feel that many people past their twenties have a core group of friends, including close ones and are not necessarily looking for new friends, yet alone any deeper friendship.

Im lucky in that I dont mind my own company, id love friends, a relationship and kids, but i can also do stuff on my own. Its a hard fight and a much misunderstood social condition.

The lonely i feel are harding in plain sight, often putting on a pretence. its hard work.

Good luck to everyone.

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Bill
12/25/2018 10:21:42 pm

Hi i an a 66 year old man very loney to many loses aded to broken heart too much suffering I cant wait for end

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Jiří Dvořák
10/19/2018 06:17:01 pm

Yes, I live in extremly loneliness, but I am very fine and I have no problem with it, currently, I fight with it. I have to eat and fitness training and going to sleep soon and sometimes to go among people to talk or enjoy something, because everything must be balanced. Sorry for my elementary English. Then after all of that I can working to make money, and it makes me good. I am glad when I have everything alright that day and have time for myself. Yes, now I could feel loneliness, biggest problem for me is that people are lonely in their mind but not lonely physicaly, and they are depending physicaly and in deepness worried of loneliness, you must be very empathic and nice to them and be same like them and that is not enough either if you rise to the better. They do not talk too much only if it is a funny, and that is what make them lonely in mind. I do not understand this to much yet propably. I am waiting for people that lived in physically loneliness like me and are good. This is why I get along well with older people. It is great luck if you meet the person who can talk sensual, extrovertly, that are people who know loneliness and yes, they exist, not much in my young generation. Biggest killer of everything is a mania, everything is fine, do not rush.

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Astha Gupta
12/27/2018 11:19:14 am

I'm a 28 year old woman, software professional, working in Bangalore, India. I have been living all by myself for last 3 years. Earlier I had a room mate when I was working in a different state.I'm married for last one year but due to our jobs in different states, we never lived together. It was an arranged marriage. Now the problem is our marriage is not working predominantly because of the distance but we have other concerns too. We have mutually decided to separate and are not in talking terms. I have been so depressed for last one year working on this marriage. The only thing I would never do is leave my job and move to his state. I love my job, it makes me independent and gives me self confidence. I tried enough to get a job in his city but no luck. But the other way round is not true at all. He promised to move before marriage if I dont get a job in his city. But he is not putting any efforts for it. Anyway, we have decided to separate.
I feel so depressed living alone, where I see no goals in my life ahead, my parents are not very supportive and I barely call them.
I have very few friends now as all are happily married and have kids.
The only thing I have in my life is my job right now.
Please guide me.

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MASTANA
2/20/2019 11:24:11 am

Start meditation let's see you nevet feel alone!! :)

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Janet
8/5/2019 12:33:31 pm

Hi there I’m just reading your post now, I hoped your situation improved since last December.. I myself am single mom here in US. I’ve given up on finding anyone like a partner or love. Ive been content keeping my son as my priority. If someone comes along that fits into our lives then I believe it will happen if it’s meant to be. Wasted many years searching in my spare time to connect with people online or in hobby groups (some of those my son could be a part of with me- like animal and horse rescue groups). I still didn’t really connect with anyone like of partner or mate potential but I/we made some great friends. I found that putting my time in to help animals in need made me forget my loneliness on occasion.

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Paul
1/5/2019 12:33:09 pm

I must start with this : I choosed to be lonely.
To prevent further damage on my personal well being i gave up on social life. what i mean is the moment i stop paying for dinner or beers peope just disapperaed. i was no longer an interesting person. whoever i would love to have someone to go to classical concert or just going out to mother nature. as i feel my lonelyness is rooted back to having zero emotional or educational support from my father. my mother died early in cancer and from her site she did what she could do for her 3 kids. my father on the opposite favorited only my brother. he got everthing from lewis jeans to new tv while my mother sewed a jeans for me to be able to go to school. on my younger ages( now i am 44yo) i tried to be open minded. i did partying had girlfriend but i got older and i wanted more quality life and not by money. for many years( i tried to find a woman who would "resonate" on the same wave as i do but i got only gold diggers. After 6 or 7 years of trying i gave up. since 5 years now i live alone and having only few friends. actually i have only one friend whom i can talk and i know He will understand me but we cant meet often as he leaves a bit far. my porblem is now i developed a trust issue to people and defo for woman. i do not trust woman at all and when i meet with one in any occasion ( like work related) i can see on them they sense it.
Would i have a family? a kiddo? wife? hell yes. i would hug her everyday. kiss her and call her just to ask if she ok. but instead i am living in my own little cell closed in, my soul cries just to have a little hug but the hope dies last....

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Dariush
5/28/2019 10:56:44 am

it seems those who are hurt will try to help other people to feel good as I do and have done it always. or is it a sense of justice due to the injustices that we have seen. I have a very high sense of responsibility as well. my parents were not there as I grew up being misused in streets as a skinny and weary kid. looking for hero to save me pushed me to try to play the role of hero for others. so I saved one mans life from drowning during storm almost died myself while nobody else was prepare to help , changed people s lives majorly for the better, gave all my money away all the time and still can't prevent myself from offering help as soon as anybody asks . I am 45 now and got no money and no friends. I love myself though and hate what the world has done to me. I have been loner all my life ,tried suicide at 15 with a bunch of pills got stomach washed on time. I was misunderstood, misjudged, misused, mistreated, misinformed and that's the part I hate about myself. I know that pain is the teacher and I have seen and felt and grieved and cried and screamed and learned so much . I am lonely as I stand close to the tree on the top of the mountain waiting for the thunder. my mind soars above worldly matters as I go thru this weird existence alone.

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