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The Lonely Blog

Functional Loneliness

8/8/2013

10 Comments

 
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I have had a few conversations with some folks recently who mentioned that generally speaking they are okay, but there is this underlying feeling of loneliness. Generally these feelings of loneliness become more prominent when they are under stress or have been hurt, or other such similar situations. Outside of those times, loneliness in effect became background noise, it is always playing in the background, but they do not always pay attention to it. When they do pay attention to it, it is because a situation has triggered an even greater degree of loneliness that forced them to pay attention to it. They have what I call functional loneliness - it is functional because most of the time they can carry on with their day without feeling crippled by feelings of loneliness. However, there are those occasions where loneliness gets the better of them and shuts them down. So how does functional loneliness come about, why do certain situations trigger it, and is it okay to just continue living life with functional loneliness?

Functional Loneliness - What is it?


I believe that functional loneliness occurs for individuals who have found somewhat effective ways to cope with their loneliness. Unlike individuals that may have overwhelming feelings of loneliness, people with functional loneliness are able to successfully suppress their feelings without having to deal with it directly. Usually it is because they are so busy doing other things that there is little time to have these feelings bubble to the surface. They are almost forced to suppress these feelings in order to do their job, take care of their families, or other such things. It is like a drowning person desperately trying to keep her head above water, it is a sink or swim situation. Functional loneliness folks have learned to do some amount of swimming and keep their heads above water whereas other folks just get drowned by their feelings of loneliness. The fact of the matter is that in both situations, the underlying root causing feelings of loneliness is still not being addressed. The cause is that they are not getting the kind of intimacy that they need in their life. The social interaction, the friendships, the disclosure, the feeling of connection and belonging is simply not enough. While they can ignore it with distractions, they cannot get rid of it that way. It will always be there waiting to remind them that their lives are not complete.

When functional loneliness becomes dysfunctional

It is no surprise then that certain situations would trigger these overwhelming feelings of loneliness that would shut them down. These situations demand the support, intimacy, and connection of others, something that was never fully satisfied in the first place. For example, when we experience an embarrassing moment, or someone hurt our feelings, or we feel overwhelmed with the work that we have to do, it helps to have someone to talk to. Even better, it really helps to talk with someone we are close to. However, when that person is not around or does not exist, then feelings of loneliness crop up, and for those with functional loneliness, it becomes very difficult to continue to ignore that background noise of loneliness. That noise has become a lot louder and a lot more distracting. Even ironically, it may be affecting their behavior and they don't even realize it. Someones we feel too stressed, or tired or just have no energy or simply feel lost. Underlying these feelings may really be feelings of loneliness, hiding in the shadows behind these other feelings. We become so good at ignoring the noise of loneliness that even when it distracts us to the point we become dysfunctional, we still do not recognize the noise. So our life may become a series of functional and dysfunctional periods marred by our ever constant loneliness.

Living with functional loneliness?

The other question to ask ourselves is, is it okay to continue living life with functional loneliness, with our ups and downs. The answer really depends on the person. Change usually happens when one has enough motivation to make it happen. That whole cycle may not be enough to motivate us to do something about it. However, living with functional loneliness is living a life incomplete. It involves being able to start trusting others and open up our lives to them. Others cannot be sources of comfort, support, and connection if we do not let them into our lives, let them know what is going on, and ask for help. It involves taking a risk and moving outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes we get so used to a bad habit that we forget it is a bad habit and how much of a detrimental effect it has on our lives. And habits are hard to change, but if you are willing to make the effort, you can make that background loneliness noise go away, or at least become a very quiet whisper that you can deal with, even in the tough times.


10 Comments
Renata link
8/10/2013 01:37:18 am

Thank you for putting a name on my feelings, it makes me feels less 'unusual'. For 30 years I have lived in 8 different countries, following my husband's work assignments; from the base, he would go off-shore for weeks at a time, leaving me totally alone to deal with everything, to raise our children very much as a single parent. He always dismissed my worries and fears saying that i 'could do it.' Indeed, I have done a wonderful job of itall, specially of my children, in every aspect. I have always been very busy and successfully ignored my underlining loneliness to the point that others have always seen me as happy, energetic, intelligent and wise, the one people would flock to for company and advice, a social butterfly, efficient in whatever i set my mind to do. Inside, I often felt I was pulling huge boulders uphill. When my youngest left for university, I broke down. Like the Olympic runner, I burst into tears repeatedly with the overwhelming sensation that i could finally rest. And I have been crying, everyday, for the past 2 years. .. I still feel exhausted. What I need is a shoulder to lean my head against. I need to hear 'I'm here with you, for you. There's nothing you need to do now. You just rest.'
Last October I moved out, as I could no longer bear the void between my husband and I, hoping that I would feel less lonely if I lived alone. It has been very, very difficult and i feel trapped. I left a painful situation and got myself in another equally painful one. People that knew me strong can no longer recognize me, and they don't feel comfortable with my new self. I have called and visited friends (!) and specifically have asked for help - not once have I received a hand on my shoulders. I literally have no one to talk to - unless I wear my old happy mask (which I do, when I am so desperate that I am willing to do whatever it takes to get myself amongst people). I have immersed myself in yoga, meditation, mindfulness, I'm talking a Reiki course and, as before, eating healthy and exercising. I have the picture of a phoenix as my pc wallpaper to remind myself that i havealways beenresilient. Still, I feel lost, hopeless, helpless. Tomorrow is my 57th birthday. So sad to see what my life has come to.

Reply
Sean
8/10/2013 02:03:48 pm

Thanks for sharing Renata. I'm glad the post helped you to put words to your feelings. Indeed, once the marathon stopped, inevitably all those years of loneliness came washing down. I admire your strength and perseverance to continue going despite it all. You are truly inspirational. If ever you want to connect with others where you don't have to wear a mask, join our online support group at http://support.webofloneliness.com/

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Tim
8/10/2013 05:18:29 pm

Renata,

Keep this in mind, you are not alone, not at all. I have been struggling with loneliness for nearly my entire life and I will be 50 in 6 months. My wife and I seem like we are on a different planet. She does her things and I am left to be by myself most of the time if I'm not at work.
I'm not sure if I'm better off staying in my situation or not. I long for meaning in life and something or someone that will look forward to being with me.

Reply
jasmin
10/6/2013 06:50:15 am

Hello Renata,

for me the turning point out of loneliness was when I discovered that I am already whole, complete; that I don't need anybody to take care of me, to listen to me, to help me. There is some part deep inside of me that cannot be distroyed, a part that is not all the emotions, opinions, judgement, but observation and acceptance (if you do meditation, you probably understand what I mean). I know now that I can take care of myself. When I feel lost, I comfort myself; when I feel a need to talk, I listen to myself; and when I feel alone and hopeless, I tell myself that everything is going to be alright, because I know it will be. It is only the outer part that is broken right now and it can heal if I allow it. I can heal myself.

Maybe these thoughts can help you. You have plenty of time for yourself now. Use it to take care of yourself and heal yourself and make the best of it. As I see, you already started :) All the best!

PS: One nice link about this topic:
http://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/alone-but-not-lonely-2

Reply
Anon
10/26/2013 12:25:29 pm

Renata,

I hope you are able to recieve this. I have suffered through a similar ordeal. Mine was very recent and I am much younger, however I feel that it would be great to connect. Please respond if you're interested.

Reply
Calli
8/21/2013 03:33:43 pm

I've been lonely since childhood and disturbed by it, barely 'functional'.. after some teen years and young adulthood on the street alone mostly, I held out some loving relationships with the few friends I had, but we were mostly addicts and criminals. Though the bonds would be tight the vices pulled us away from each other consistently and back into a life -alone. Eventually I found solace in the opposite sex, with much love and trust. It was not a simple road to follow though. I was able to clean up my addictions mostly, but after a few trials found myself in need of more. I loved my lovers and mostly trusted them, and definitely needed them.. What this led up to was functional/dysfunctional loneliness; through a desperation to feel truly connected I had openly turned to my overwhelming childhood fears of 'being abused'. I guess without a physical intensity of attachment all I had left was loneliness and fear. So with this new found support from a very special couple of people, I finally felt very much loved and secure for some years passing. Not LONELY. I became productive in ways domestically while digressing into less pathologically[?].. But not LONELY. Things became long term with the 2nd partner and after more than half a decade of harsh physical punishment I felt coercion toward having a baby. I had no alternative but to follow. Today I am glad I did, but it ended my long runs of masochism altogether and the relationship broke due to multiple factors. But I would feel DEFINITE blame, &abandon, in my permanent fragile state. And of course the worst kinds of loneliness, physical+emotional/etc.. But now for the most part I'm to live pain free and show no signs of wear to my child. It's lonely and if someone offered I'd go with them. I don't know how that would effect my life now, and no one can really replace the times I've been through with my partner, but I've got to try- and it's all I've got in terms of fighting this true, simple, loneliness. I live my life mostly for my child now, and what my partner has brought me through would be unchanged, but I've got to start somewhere again. I need this love in a way that seems estranged but functional.

Reply
ange
8/28/2013 01:06:57 pm

I am in early 50s and can relate. I have surrounded myself with not so nice people. The problem is a desire so much to have them love me. My family does not contact me and it is not that I am bad person. I am productive with four children. I work with very nice people at a very stressful job. I seem to have people that want me when they want me but when I need someone no one is there and so the lonely feeling sets in...I like the original post make sure no sees the dark place I am really in. My body is tired and feels old. I have begun gaining more weight than ever and just long for life that includes close friends and hopefully someday someone who I can love and loves me back. It is not depression I feel. It is lonilness for some nice considerate people in my life

Reply
Ally
9/15/2013 02:18:02 pm

I suppose I've been lonely all my life. I was born an abandoned child and later adopted by a couple in the United States. As an only child that was left home a lot by two very hard-working parents, I experienced being lonely almost every day. Not being socialized a lot, and the "baby" of my family, I was very shy around children my age. Instead I was, and still am, far more comfortable around adults. My shyness lead to not having many friends in school and later, became a scapegoat to get picked on. This later became a severe and persisting social anxiety. After five years of therapy I felt confident enough to leave community college and home, to transfer to my new university. Now at my new school, I find myself more lonely than ever, unable to relate to kids my age and unable to just leave and go home like I used to. I take long walks, go for runs, hike, bury myself in study, play instruments, and sometimes just sit/lay for long periods thinking about everything and nothing at all. But at the end of the day, the loneliness is almost suffocating...it makes me wonder if I'll ever find my place in the world.

Reply
Tim
9/17/2013 01:49:26 pm

I suppose you do learn to live with your loneliness. It's like a cloud that hangs over your head. The sun never comes out. I envy people that seem so happy and have a million friends; it was never me and will never be me. I wish things were different but I just learn to accept and move on. I've even gone to the movies by myself recently but I don't get there until the lights are out in the theater--what am I going to do sit there and talk to myself before the movie starts? Oh well, maybe one day this feeling will go away but I doubt it. I have always been this way; maybe it's a genetic thing?

Reply
Mary
11/15/2013 09:07:02 am

I read all the entries with understanding and compassion. Each of them is me. I have been caught in the web of loneliness for my entire life, and I am now 82. While used to it, I can't say I like it. Loneliness seems to be endemic, so I am tempted to say it simply may be a normal part of the human condition. I wish it weren't.

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