Do you have a Martyr Complex (MC)? Someone who has a MC tends to "willfully suffer in the name of love or duty". People with MC tend to go out of their way to help others, see themselves as helpers, consider it their moral obligation to put others in front of themselves, and view self-sacrifice as a duty. Normally it is okay to be helpful to others, the problem is that those with MC, tend to do it at the detriment of themselves, and in the process may even harm themselves to the point where they are not even being helpful to others anymore. The problem though is that if you have MC, you are a compulsive helper, you get anxious if you see someone in need and do not do something about it. You can see yourself helping others to the point where you are really harming yourself, but find yourself unable to stop or feel incredibly guilty if you do.
There's another problem with folks with MC - they tend to also experience loneliness as well. But why is that? I think one of the beliefs underlying someone with MC is that the best way to establish friendships is to become a helper to others. Who does not like someone who is willing to help them? It is usually an easy way to win people's initial trust and open communication. If you like to be a good listener and help people with their problems, it gives those people a great opportunity to talk about themselves. The initial set of interactions feel great to both parties, the person being help feels like they are supported, get help, are listened to, and has someone that care about them. Our helper with MC, also feels great as well, they are doing what they feel compelled to do, to help others. It brings them a sense of joy that they have made a meaningful connection by providing help.
As the relationship develops between the helper and the person being helped, it also continues to develop in one direction. For those of us with MC, we continue to provide help all the time, and for those who are getting help, there is never the opportunity to provide help. The helper may learn a lot about the person being helped, but the reverse is not true. Eventually two things happen. The helper, the person with MC, eventually gets tired of providing help all the time and the relationship no longer becomes as rewarding as it used to be. And for the person being helped, they may feel disconnected from the helper and only contact the helper when they need help. Otherwise there is little motivation for contacting them otherwise.
You often hear lonely folk comment that they often feel used, that people only reach out to them when they need something, otherwise you never hear from them. Part of the reason for that could be because the relationship was set up that way. Initially the helper may have provided help in the hopes that the other person would reciprocate at some point. However, there is one dirty, little secret about helpers. Being a helper allows you to to hide behind your help, it allows you to connect with someone else, without you having to become vulnerable, and truly emotionally invest into the relationship. If, all you are doing is focusing on the other person and never on yourself, then you never have to reveal your own secrets, your own wants and desires, your own pain and hurt. You get to hide behind your help, and the result is that the person being helped can never truly establish a close connection to the helper. So, the end result is a one way relationship, where the person there is always a helper and a person being helped.
To break the cycle, and to make the relationship more equitable, requires letting go of some of the dysfunctional beliefs associated with the Martyr Complex. You can successfully establish a great, meaningful relationship with other person by both providing help and asking for help. If you try to establish the relationship where both people get to play both roles and the other person is not interested, then perhaps that other person is not worth having a relationship with. Truly meaningful relationships require that you ask for help in addition to providing it, it requires learning about other's vulnerabilities as well as sharing about your own. Without a two-way street, the relationship will eventually hit a wall and slowly die.
There's another problem with folks with MC - they tend to also experience loneliness as well. But why is that? I think one of the beliefs underlying someone with MC is that the best way to establish friendships is to become a helper to others. Who does not like someone who is willing to help them? It is usually an easy way to win people's initial trust and open communication. If you like to be a good listener and help people with their problems, it gives those people a great opportunity to talk about themselves. The initial set of interactions feel great to both parties, the person being help feels like they are supported, get help, are listened to, and has someone that care about them. Our helper with MC, also feels great as well, they are doing what they feel compelled to do, to help others. It brings them a sense of joy that they have made a meaningful connection by providing help.
As the relationship develops between the helper and the person being helped, it also continues to develop in one direction. For those of us with MC, we continue to provide help all the time, and for those who are getting help, there is never the opportunity to provide help. The helper may learn a lot about the person being helped, but the reverse is not true. Eventually two things happen. The helper, the person with MC, eventually gets tired of providing help all the time and the relationship no longer becomes as rewarding as it used to be. And for the person being helped, they may feel disconnected from the helper and only contact the helper when they need help. Otherwise there is little motivation for contacting them otherwise.
You often hear lonely folk comment that they often feel used, that people only reach out to them when they need something, otherwise you never hear from them. Part of the reason for that could be because the relationship was set up that way. Initially the helper may have provided help in the hopes that the other person would reciprocate at some point. However, there is one dirty, little secret about helpers. Being a helper allows you to to hide behind your help, it allows you to connect with someone else, without you having to become vulnerable, and truly emotionally invest into the relationship. If, all you are doing is focusing on the other person and never on yourself, then you never have to reveal your own secrets, your own wants and desires, your own pain and hurt. You get to hide behind your help, and the result is that the person being helped can never truly establish a close connection to the helper. So, the end result is a one way relationship, where the person there is always a helper and a person being helped.
To break the cycle, and to make the relationship more equitable, requires letting go of some of the dysfunctional beliefs associated with the Martyr Complex. You can successfully establish a great, meaningful relationship with other person by both providing help and asking for help. If you try to establish the relationship where both people get to play both roles and the other person is not interested, then perhaps that other person is not worth having a relationship with. Truly meaningful relationships require that you ask for help in addition to providing it, it requires learning about other's vulnerabilities as well as sharing about your own. Without a two-way street, the relationship will eventually hit a wall and slowly die.
RSS Feed