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The Lonely Blog

Loneliness and the Martyr Complex

11/22/2013

25 Comments

 
Picture
Do you have a Martyr Complex (MC)? Someone who has a MC tends to "willfully suffer in the name of love or duty". People with MC tend to go out of their way to help others, see themselves as helpers, consider it their moral obligation to put others in front of themselves, and view self-sacrifice as a duty. Normally it is okay to be helpful to others, the problem is that those with MC, tend to do it at the detriment of themselves, and in the process may even harm themselves to the point where they are not even being helpful to others anymore. The problem though is that if you have MC, you are a compulsive helper, you get anxious if you see someone in need and do not do something about it. You can see yourself helping others to the point where you are really harming yourself, but find yourself unable to stop or feel incredibly guilty if you do.

There's another problem with folks with MC - they tend to also experience loneliness as well. But why is that? I think one of the beliefs underlying someone with MC is that the best way to establish friendships is to become a helper to others. Who does not like someone who is willing to help them? It is usually an easy way to win people's initial trust and open communication. If you like to be a good listener and help people with their problems, it gives those people a great opportunity to talk about themselves. The initial set of interactions feel great to both parties, the person being help feels like they are supported, get help, are listened to, and has someone that care about them. Our helper with MC, also feels great as well, they are doing what they feel compelled to do, to help others. It brings them a sense of joy that they have made a meaningful connection by providing help.

As the relationship develops between the helper and the person being helped, it also continues to develop in one direction. For those of us with MC, we continue to provide help all the time, and for those who are getting help, there is never the opportunity to provide help. The helper may learn a lot about the person being helped, but the reverse is not true. Eventually two things happen. The helper, the person with MC, eventually gets tired of providing help all the time and the relationship no longer becomes as rewarding as it used to be. And for the person being helped, they may feel disconnected from the helper and only contact the helper when they need help. Otherwise there is little motivation for contacting them otherwise.

You often hear lonely folk comment that they often feel used, that people only reach out to them when they need something, otherwise you never hear from them. Part of the reason for that could be because the relationship was set up that way. Initially the helper may have provided help in the hopes that the other person would reciprocate at some point. However, there is one dirty, little secret about helpers. Being a helper allows you to to hide behind your help, it allows you to connect with someone else, without you having to become vulnerable, and truly emotionally invest into the relationship. If, all you are doing is focusing on the other person and never on yourself, then you never have to reveal your own secrets, your own wants and desires, your own pain and hurt. You get to hide behind your help, and the result is that the person being helped can never truly establish a close connection to the helper. So, the end result is a one way relationship, where the person there is always a helper and a person being helped.

To break the cycle, and to make the relationship more equitable, requires letting go of some of the dysfunctional beliefs associated with the Martyr Complex. You can successfully establish a great, meaningful relationship with other person by both providing help and asking for help. If you try to establish the relationship where both people get to play both roles and the other person is not interested, then perhaps that other person is not worth having a relationship with. Truly meaningful relationships require that you ask for help in addition to providing it, it requires learning about other's vulnerabilities as well as sharing about your own. Without a two-way street, the relationship will eventually hit a wall and slowly die.

25 Comments
OwlJulie
11/27/2013 06:46:56 pm

Excellent article. Helped me understand my failed relationship a bit more.

Reply
Emanuel S
12/5/2013 08:41:36 pm

Incredibly accurate description of the MC 'syndrome'. Thank you very much for digging into that.

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L.A.
1/7/2014 05:58:46 am

I suppose I do have a MC. I also realize that I am terribly lonely and lack intimacy in my life, despite having a wife and three children.

I justify the loneliness by putting others ahead of myself — selflessness. That's part of the code I follow. The world tells me otherwise though, but I reject the "love yourself, put yourself first" way of living. I am stuck.

Reply
Jeanne Smith
5/8/2014 05:07:44 am

Congratulations, dear friend. You are a saint of the first order. You love others first, and then yourself. In Western culture, we extol the "all about me" attitude, one that I find disheartening. Sometimes it has to be that way, i.e., when an individual needs to sequester or regroup because of an unfortunate situation. However, I believe it is virtuous to consider others first, especially when there is a compelling reason. One needs to be cognizant of family first, but they, too, need to learn to open up to others and care.
Perhaps what you need most is someone who will listen to you and value you as you are.

Reply
Jeanne Smith
5/8/2014 05:07:55 am

Congratulations, dear friend. You are a saint of the first order. You love others first, and then yourself. In Western culture, we extol the "all about me" attitude, one that I find disheartening. Sometimes it has to be that way, i.e., when an individual needs to sequester or regroup because of an unfortunate situation. However, I believe it is virtuous to consider others first, especially when there is a compelling reason. One needs to be cognizant of family first, but they, too, need to learn to open up to others and care.
Perhaps what you need most is someone who will listen to you and value you as you are.

Reply
Jeanne Smith
5/8/2014 05:08:03 am

Congratulations, dear friend. You are a saint of the first order. You love others first, and then yourself. In Western culture, we extol the "all about me" attitude, one that I find disheartening. Sometimes it has to be that way, i.e., when an individual needs to sequester or regroup because of an unfortunate situation. However, I believe it is virtuous to consider others first, especially when there is a compelling reason. One needs to be cognizant of family first, but they, too, need to learn to open up to others and care.
Perhaps what you need most is someone who will listen to you and value you as you are.

Reply
Michele
1/25/2014 10:31:47 am

This article speaks truth. With my career, my passion of nursing, I have assumed the role of of MC. This article have brought many emotions to the surface

Reply
Randy
2/24/2014 12:10:09 pm

I guess this is me. After my marriage broke up (my wife became an alcoholic) I met a young woman who was going through a divorce. Perhaps I should say re-met as I had known her before. She needed help and I helped her. I also fell in love with her, I thought. Later, when I experienced a crisis I asked her for help. She said she didn't have time. I am lonely now, but I fear what could happen if I ever dare to reach out again.

Reply
Ruby
4/26/2014 02:49:32 am

I'm only 17, and after reading this I know that if I don't stop being so passive about my problems and keep allowing my relationships with others be so one sided I'm going to end up lonely like this for the rest of my life. Thank You.

Reply
JS
5/8/2014 04:58:56 am

I see myself in this commentary, but I do not feel like a martyr. I am willing to give until it hurts, though, because I subscribe to the New Testament vision of "loving one's neighbor as one loves oneself."
Psychologically, as a child I was very lonely at school, although my home was just the opposite. There, I had many brothers and sisters and a loving mother who encouraged talking about our beliefs and what it took to make a good person.
My 'flagship event,' however, occurred when I was eleven. Our house burned down. All you could see was its skeleton of the rafters against the sky. Everything else was ashes, and we were homeless. Fortunately, we all got out alive. That experience imprinted me for the rest of my life.
So many people gave clothing, food, a temporary home (for 6 months), etc., etc., etc., that the experience imprinted me for life.
It's my nature today, 48 years after the fire, to identify with others' suffering. I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd rather see empathy extolled than almost anything else. Love is the ultimate virtue. I felt it after the fire, and still feel it today, almost 60 years after the fact. It's my turn now to give love back ... because I empathize.

Reply
Storyofmylife
5/20/2014 04:40:59 pm

Wow, first off I have to say; wonderful article! I honestly understand myself so much more, I would have never thought I have MC. My fiancé has asked me in the past why I was sabotaging our relationship. I honestly did not know why I felt dysfunctional in serious relationships and now I feel like someone flipped a switch and now see the whole picture of my behavior. Very powerful article, I could never thank you enough!!

Reply
owljulie
5/21/2014 02:55:43 am

Who wrote this article?

Reply
Sean Seepersad
5/23/2014 03:10:28 pm

Julie, I never answered you, but I wrote it.

Reply
Robin
6/20/2014 09:05:39 pm

I have tried to be vulnerable with people.
People do not want to listen. They will only give you time if you listen to them. People have literally talked over me when I've tried to speak.
Ending these kinds of one-way relationships has cut my "friendships" down to zero. It's very painful when no one will listen to you, but insist you listen to them for hours and hours. And boring, too.

Reply
Julie
7/7/2014 06:36:00 pm

If people dont listen to you then they might be disrespecting your boundaries. It could be a power play in that they feel powerful control by doing that to you. But maybe they are unaware of stepping over your boundary and onto your toes and so they dont do it maliciously and need to be told what they are doing by you. Then if they continue to do it, remind them about it and walk away from them if they protest.

Reply
Julie
7/7/2014 06:55:05 pm

One problem that I run into is that it is hard for me to ask for help from a stranger or even someone I consider a friendly acquaintance. I learned never to ask for help as part of my early childhood conditioning from my parents. I have not been able to overcome that conditioning. I learned that asking others for help was asking too much, but offering help was okay.
Its not until someone offers help to me that I am able to take it. This is just how I was trained.
But one thing that I would never do is sit back and allow others to share with me without me sharing with them. I love to share with others and to be vulnerable.
Another problem I have discovered is that some close friends choose not to share their problems with me for whatever reason. This leaves me feeling dumbfounded because I cant imagine being close to someone and not wanting to share that with them. I also struggle with feeling useless to them because they wont share with me so I cant be helpful.
Additionally there is the aspect that friends can be affected by the sad happenings in my life that I share with them. One friend left me, citing this major reason as why she left me. Because of this i have curbed back all of my sad sharing and I only try to say helpful things to my friend. But I cant help but question when I will find a friend who will equally want to hear the realities of my life.

Reply
Bryan Benson
7/8/2014 05:01:51 am

Dear Julie every one needs help from time to time. Find some one you feel you can trust and talk to them. If they choose not to listen find some one else. You have to brake thoughts old habit's. You are no longer a child. I am here if you need me to talk to. I am Shure that there are more here that are willing to help you. Good luck.

Bryan Benson ( Bob Hunter )
6/30/2014 08:15:57 am

Wow thank you so much. That is me, MC were can I learn more about this. Will the loneliness feeling ever go away?

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Steve Vaglica
7/2/2014 05:02:54 pm

Great Article Sean! I was one of those 'helpers' to friends of mine and can see some of my own behavior here.

Reply
Bryan Benson
7/3/2014 12:36:32 am

Thank you so much. This article is so helpful. It is me to the tee. You are helping me more than you could know. Please keep sending them to me. I understand now but I think that I still need help. There is some people in my life that I am helping and I don't get anything back even when I ask. How do I let them go?

Reply
Bryan Benson
7/3/2014 12:37:13 am

Thank you so much. This article is so helpful. It is me to the tee. You are helping me more than you could know. Please keep sending them to me. I understand now but I think that I still need help. There is some people in my life that I am helping and I don't get anything back even when I ask. How do I let them go?

Reply
Bryan Benson
7/3/2014 12:37:28 am

Thank you so much. This article is so helpful. It is me to the tee. You are helping me more than you could know. Please keep sending them to me. I understand now but I think that I still need help. There is some people in my life that I am helping and I don't get anything back even when I ask. How do I let them go?

Reply
Brian Middleton
6/15/2015 08:46:27 pm

I peeked at my doctors notes 26 years ago while suffering from depression after losing my job through injury not long after my son was born. He wrote to refer me to see a psychiatrist and said: this is a highly introspected young man with a martyr complex. I am now 58 and have fully realised that this is what I have, which is effectively a mental illness. Relationships can't work for me at all unless I can change. It is disconcerting to realise that my sacrificial, puritanical and zealous like help of others was just a way to create my own self worth and value and that by being so selfless I have ruined what relationships I have had. A staggering self realisation that will change the way I live. Being alone is probably the safest bet, but I believe I can develop a social life and friendship circle through my dancing hobby and my goal is to overcome this illness and not be so hard on myself to be so bloody good.

Reply
liz
5/20/2017 08:58:07 pm

Hi Brian,
I grew up in a home with a serious case of Martyrdom. I was and still am reminded what a burden children are and how ungrateful I am. Blah Blah blah. I have heard this so much that it plays like a record. I have been blessed for the past 23 years to have made friends and had an amazingly fulfilling social life while dancing to support myself. I was able to travel and live in places that I always dared to dream about. I thank the Lord everyday for fulfilling my dreams and teaching me so much along the way. God Bless You and your path.

Reply
Mae
6/25/2015 08:32:27 am

Thank you for an insightful post. I knew I was a "helper" and am developing an awareness that one of the results of this behavior is the construction of barriers. The description in this post provides personal clarity not previously experienced. Thank you for conveying the information in a manner that spoke to me on a personal level and, provided I do the work required, will no doubt improve my relationships significantly.

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