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The Lonely Blog

The answer to loneliness lies inside you

9/25/2013

9 Comments

 
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I teach a college level class and one of the rules I follow is: if a few students in the class are doing badly, then the issue lies with the students, if everyone in the class is doing badly, then the issue lies with me. It is similar to the idea that the point at which say that everyone is wrong and you are right, then it probably means that you are wrong. Translated into the experience of loneliness, a similar thought would be that everyone else in the world cannot be trust or would not be good in a relationship. Certainly, some people are incompatible with us and some people really cannot be trust. But when you are at a point where EVERYONE or most everyone is that way, then it maybe time to stop and ask the question if there is something wrong with the way you perceive others and the kinds of expectations you have from relationships. Clearly if you think that most everyone would make terrible close friends then that is a recipe for loneliness and isolation.

Early loneliness researchers often talked about the difference between state and trait loneliness. I talk about it here as well. State loneliness is a temporary, easily changed, externally-caused loneliness. This means that something external to the person causes the loneliness (such as a rainy day and being isolated from others), is temporary (I don't usually feel lonely), and is easily changed (call a friend up on the phone). Individuals who experience state loneliness do not view loneliness as a problem, as they are usually easily able to overcome these feelings. Individuals with trait loneliness, on the other hand, are the opposite. Trait loneliness is long-term, difficult to change, and internally-caused. This means that a person can move from place to place, change situations, "join a cooking class", and yet, still inevitably feel lonely. This is because what is driving the loneliness is internal, so it doesn't matter where the person goes, loneliness will always follow them there. Often times it is a result of faulty thinking and behavior, either we think we aren't good enough for others, or we think that others aren't good enough for us, etc. It is like no one ever stands a chance being your friend because you've already written them off. The problem is that these thoughts are so ingrained in our way of thinking, we do not even realize sometimes exactly what we are doing. And because these thoughts become so automatic, we attribute our loneliness to external factors without fully understanding the role we may play into contributing to our own loneliness.

One way this becomes particularly manifested is when a lonely person moves from one place to another. When I was doing a loneliness intervention program with college students, I could see this process played out. Often times, a lonely person would report that before the move from their local town to college, they may have experienced loneliness, but it was not extreme, it was just an awareness that it existed. However, once they moved off to college, they had difficult making new friends, establishing social networks, and in general, experiencing strong feelings of loneliness. This is in contradistinction to the student that moves to college, experiences some initial loneliness, but then quickly establishes a new set of friends and builds a new social network. Lonely individuals internal characteristics is probably building most of the barriers that prevent successful relationships being formed in this example.

So, if you've been experiencing loneliness for a long time there are two major questions you need to ask yourself: 

1. What are you doing that contributes to your feelings of loneliness? Yes, I agree, not everything about your loneliness comes from you, some of it comes from external influences. Assuming for a minute you couldn't change the external influences, the only thing you have control over is yourself and changing yourself. It would be prudent to start there to see how far along you can get with some positive changes. What changes do you need to make? It really depends on you. Remember a lot of what is internal to you that contribute to your loneliness is probably outside of your own awareness. Maybe you have some automatic thoughts that cause you to push people way, or maybe you behave in certain ways that push people away. To really help figure out what these things might be requires an objective, qualified, third party (probably a seasoned, insightful therapist) that can see what you do and then give you some ideas. 

2. The real kicker is, once you have accepted your own contributions to your loneliness, found out what they are, are you really interested and motivated to change? It is not just enough to know, it also requires action as well. I have seen folks understand the leap that was required from where they are, to where they need to be in order to become less lonely and faltered. Because change is scary, it requires a certain amount of emotional energy and persistence, and if the motivation is not strong enough, you may be unwilling to commit.

To me overcoming trait loneliness is a bit like trying to lose weight. First, you need to understand how you gain weight in the first place. Sure, there are a number of external factors that contribute to being overweight, like the multitude of unhealthy foods available (a McDonalds on every corner), the ridiculous portion sizes in American restaurants, excessive advertising, etc. These things we have no control over and blaming them does not help the overweight problem. But we can focus on the internal factors, watch what we eat, exercise, eat healthier foods, use correct portion sizes, etc. If we focus on these, we can make a difference. The other question is, are we willing to give up what we currently do, move from our comfort zone to a place that is not comfortable (dieting) to get to our goal? For some they answer may be yes, but for others, it may be no. I think the important thing is acknowledge that we are, partly making a conscious decision to either change or remain the same. You are not powerless, there is a choice.

My ending thought is this, to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend. It is not just about finding someone to satisfy your needs, expectations, and desires, it is also about changing yourself so that you satisfy others needs, expectations, and desires.

9 Comments
JOAN HEALY link
9/25/2013 03:39:48 pm

You are in your head. You have not known the deep level which is felt ; where the awful truth is almost MEVER faced. The emtpiness of it all!

Reply
Mike
9/25/2013 07:59:51 pm

my guess for me is, being 31 and being highly unsuccessful, i need to make a life change and accept the truth of my lack of success. somehow i seem to have an overcharged system to protect myself from harm. i guess that is what lonely people have: an overcharged system to protect themselves from harm. being like, "hey, i seem to have a deep problem to connect with people so i'll just keep distancing myself because i have a social problem with people". now i have been studying on bachelor's level, but after some thought i decided to give it up to work on myself and my social skills, and to protect myself from harm from those people i cannot trust with myself. because i cannot deal with everybody.

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Dana
9/26/2013 04:09:48 pm

The tone of this article is too "blame the victim" like for my liking. Loneliness is felt very deeply in the soul of each person who experiences it. The person who wrote this article is giving the wrong advice. Further, he is not showing any kind of empathy to those he claims he is trying to help.

Reply
Mike
9/29/2013 10:57:45 am

I disagree Dana! He is giving his own experience as well.

Reply
Bobcat
10/17/2013 02:40:43 pm

I have mixed feelings about this article. The chap who wrote this seems right on but Dana, I at least partially agree with you that it has a "blame the victim" vibe. I mean, some people, e.g., me, have tried to do something about loneliness only to get more and more frustrated. I try to look within in my case, but the more I look within, the more confused I get. Me, I just have trouble trusting people because when I was growing up it seemed like everybody around me was an asshole. Now I do have at least one close friend but I still lack confidence in getting close to anyone or finding kindred spirits. Cos you see, I tried taking classes, joining clubs and even church and they didn't help. Couldn't get close to many people and with one exception I couldn't ever get a girlfriend, because EVERY time I ever fell in love with somebody, she wouldn't fall in love with me in return. I've had years of therapy over that among other things and it hasn't helped much. (My last two therapists were cruel to me.) But this article does give me some hope. Lack of confidence may be my problem.

Reply
Barb
10/29/2013 10:44:51 am

I have been in a state of loneliness for quit sometime and when I read this article it was like water to a thirsty soul. Thank you.

Reply
Gary
11/16/2013 07:58:53 pm

I read 3/4 of the article and skipped to the end. Reality isn't even conceived here. There are facts that most people don't face when they speak or think about others or themselves. Fact of matter is, especially if you live in the United States, the vast majority of the population thinks of themselves first and others later. With that said, if I show up in a poor condition I will be judged, ratty clothes, poor teeth, and so on. Going to a college I can tell you that people are going to first judge by appearance. The vast majority that is, and from there you ability to make a social connection is hindered. Second you have to think of the greed factor. The common question someone ask themselves is, " What can this person give me?" I'm not going to go into further detail of what majority thinks, however, I am stating that in "fact" loneliness is not just a internal problem or a state of being. In "fact" it is a social deficit that can be caused by many situational issues. Trust being one issue, yes, it is an internal problem that has resulted from exterior experiences. With that said, one grows to think of what traits lead people to be untrustworthy. Yes, sometimes , one person rolls all of these things into one and becomes isolated for self protection. Or, other emotions play into the isolation. I.E. anger. But none of this touches the core issue of loneliness. Perseverance is always a good tool to combat any issue. One most keep looking for those they can trust and persevere over the loneliness. There are other tools, " also called learned behaviors, or life lessons." So, my comment is to only say, this is a deep rooted issue with oneself, society, and values. Valiant effort for trying to hit some key points, but, as with my reply. This is a long issue that requires more talk and response. I myself struggle with loneliness, yet I try to make connections both at work and school. In a society where the government itself plays a role in separation of its own people,... Loneliness is a foe in which we must persevere over to become a better connected and more understanding society as a whole. Thank you Sean for your valiant attempt to help. Please keep trying.

Reply
Aashima
5/10/2014 06:41:05 am

Afetr reading this article it Is something I was looking for.People say that loneliness kills you but I would say "LONELINESS MAKES THE NIGHT AIR SMELL BETTER".
“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room .I've been depressed. I've felt awful but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me In other words,loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude.It's being at a party,or at a stadium full of people cheering for something,that I might feel loneliness.As said by someone "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, " That's all. Sorry if I have written anything wrong,but I've never been lonely. I like myself,I love myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have.
Thank You

Reply
Aashima Gupta
5/10/2014 06:50:02 am

After reading this article it is something I was looking for.People say that loneliness kills but I would say "LONELINESS MAKES YOUR NIGHT AIR SMELL BETTER.
“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room. I've been depressed. I've felt awful but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. As said by someone, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, " That's all. Sorry if I have said anything wrong , but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have.

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