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The Lonely Blog

The cure for loneliness

2/16/2012

43 Comments

 
When you hear the stories of the lonely, especially those that have been experiencing loneliness for a long period of time, one thing stands out quite clearly: There is usually no readily available one shot answer to helping them get out of loneliness. Of course, if you ask lonely folks what's the way out of loneliness, I'm sure at least 80% of them would say, finding a romantic partner. That is what most people seem to need, one person who will love and care for them the way no one is currently doing and arguably has done in their past. And sure enough, if a romantic partner came along, loneliness certainly does seem to vanish like a bad dream one is waking out of. Loneliness researcher, Robert Weiss, said that romantic relationships seems to be like an "anti-loneliness pill" providing immediate relief from the painful condition of loneliness. If we are lucky, the romantic relationship serves its purpose and we are forever cured of our loneliness, but I suspect for most of us, loneliness creeps back up into our existence once the euphoria of falling in love dies down.

I believe that the real, initial cure for loneliness, lies not in romantic relationships or friendships, but in our ability to be vulnerable. When we are born into the world, we are taught through a series of interactions whether the world is a safe place or not and whether others can be trusted. So, when we are babies and we cry because we are hungry , or hurt, or sad, does someone come and help alleviate our need? Or, are we left to fend for ourselves, at least until the parent or other caregiver has no choice but to come to our aid. Over time we learn the degree to which we can rely on and trust others. Some of us are lucky enough to have very nurturing and loving parents in our lives that give us a feeling of trust in others - we can expect in our hour of need someone we love will be there to comfort us. If we are not so lucky, we develop a sense of mistrust in others - in our hour of need, we have to do what we can for ourselves, no one else can be trusted or relied upon for help. Mistrust in others usually manifests itself in two ways, either we completely reject others and totally fend for ourselves or we demand help from others in a very possessive, jealous, dominating manner.

So what does this have to do with vulnerability? Well, essentially our life experiences teach us how much we have to guard the vulnerable parts of us. The vulnerable parts of us, psychologically speaking, is the emotional parts of us. Emotions reveal our weaknesses by showing others what is important to us. Sometimes our life experiences teach us that others cannot be trusted, in the sense that one day others will eventually hurt us. Sometimes our life experiences teach us that others are trustworthy and while they might hurt us, they genuinely have our best interest at heart. When we do not trust others, we form a defense barrier around ourselves, a way to protect us from outsiders, and to keep our vulnerable emotions hidden and locked away. The barrier eventually becomes so strong that even if we tried to remove it, it becomes difficult to do so. Someone who is very distrusting of others would become extremely anxious and fearful at the thought of removing their barriers. It is not a simple thing to remove.

The problem with our defense barrier is that it is the antithesis of forming a true and meaningful relationship. When you hide your vulnerable emotions on the inside, people cannot connect with you, and you cannot connect with others. You could have tons and tons of friendships or romantic relationships but at the end of the day they all feel superficial because you have still locked away the most vulnerable parts of you. So, you could certainly fall in love, and display a ton of emotions, but still have hidden away, your deepest secrets, desires, fears, hopes, and dreams. Eventually these relationships collapse because they cannot move forward.

The solution is not, of course, to be vulnerable to everyone, everywhere. We have to be discerning about who we choose to be vulnerable to. But we have to grow the ability to become vulnerable, and to become vulnerable despite experiencing numerous rejections. Those individuals with successful, deep, meaningful friendships have not avoided hurt altogether. No, rather they have learned to pick themselves up after getting hurt and being strong enough to be open and vulnerable to hurt again. That's an amazing thing to do, something I argue not many people can do. But if you learn to do it, you will have found your cure for loneliness.
43 Comments
Julia
2/19/2012 02:04:37 pm

I agree that a romantic relationship will not solve a person's loneliness. I believe that we must find our own happiness and not rely on others to provide it for us. I try to tell myself that all the time. But when you have no friends because you've held everyone at arm's length for so long, it's hard to like yourself. I'm the youngest of eight children and have felt alone all of my life.

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Alex Wong
2/21/2012 04:02:02 pm

Hey Julia, pardon me. But I believe U already answered your own problem / question. C'est la vie, something are just not meant to be.

But don't despair. Though I didn't spend a long time being alone (till 3 years) but I always feel lonely. Anyway, till next time (perhaps)

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Sandra
2/28/2012 02:05:41 pm

Thanks for the article. It's great. I am wondering though. How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable when you're living in a small town of small minds, are gay and recently widowed. It seems it's expected socially to be tolerated. Tolerance alone is not good enough. As with the social struggles over the years to have society learn how to include people with disabilities they are slow to realize that all people need to feel included. How do you survive in this terribly lonely place?

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Sean @ WOL
2/28/2012 03:46:38 pm

Hi Sandra, that's a tough question. You're right, tolerance alone is not enough, you need relationships to go deeper if you are to have any kind of real friendship. The real problem here is finding people you can be vulnerable with. If there is no one in your town you think you'll be comfortable with, then you'll have to look outside of your town for that kind of friendship. In addition, having at least a therapist you can talk to about your daily struggles can help as well.

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Donna Sue May
4/15/2012 07:18:52 am

I AM A SURVIVOR OF LONG TERM LETHAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, EVEN MY FAMILY IS AT A LOSS TO HELP ME WITH THE LONELINESS, AND SEVERE CHRONIC POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER,AND DEPRESSION.
I feel terribly alone and lost in a world that seems no to see my pain.

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Jennifer link
4/16/2012 08:18:36 am

Donna, that's an awful situation to be in and whilst we've not all gone through what you've gone through, I'm sure there's loads of people who are reading this website who can feel your pain and empathise with your feelings of loneliness - me included.
Not sure where you're based but there are organisations that specialise in helping people who've survived domestic violence and other organisations that specialise in helping people with loneliness. If you were able to get yourself to one of those - I realise that's easier said than done when you're feeling really lonely - then you might me people who feel like you do and just knowing that other people have gone through the same things helps a lot. I know that from my personal experiences.
Take care of yourself.

gerald glwe
5/29/2017 03:25:40 pm

After teaching once a week at the county jail............I used the BOOK LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie as a guide....,,I ,,find we are not disturbed by the people we are disturbed with......it seems we have difficulty with maturity.......we have to grow maturity ,,,,give up all blame and become responsible for everything in my life serenity prayer amazing,,,,, write it for one hour and ask god what is the lesson here

dianne
2/17/2018 07:58:56 pm

you are not alone--that´s for sure I am far in distance but my heart is touching yours, see?

Jennifer Page link
4/6/2012 08:59:41 am

I've found this too and realised that it wasn't just about being vulnerable with others and being my "true self". I wasn't even being my true self with myself or when praying (I'm a Christian). A book that helped me was Becoming Who You Are by Jesuit priest James Martin. I like the Buddhist idea (I'm a bit eclectic with my beliefs) of sitting with your feelings and allowing yourself to feel them rather than pushing them away. Thich Nhat Hahn talks alot about this. I realised I pushed any negative feelings away which meant I never dealt with anything. I reckon changing that is one reason I don't feel lonely much anymore.
As for romantic relationships, I thought for years that if I found the right man, I would be fine. Despite the fact I was already divorced! Sean, a paper I found on the internet that you wrote about how in the west we are brought up to expect romantic attachments, made me realise that it was the expectation rather than the actual need for a man that made me believe I was missing out on something. Once I let go of that expectation, I realised I was happy being single.

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Sean @ WOL
4/6/2012 03:24:07 pm

Thanks for the comment. Sadly, this insight is difficult for others to accept.

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Ben Mijuskovic link
1/25/2013 02:14:02 am

Thank you all for the opprotunity to read these thoughtful and moving passges.

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Joel
9/8/2012 03:19:15 pm

This blog post is, I think, the most insightful piece on loneliness I have ever seen. I've been chronically lonely since I was a teenager, despite being able to successfully form friendships. I've dropped off the friendships one by one because I don't feel anything from them.

If I were to meet someone who wholeheartedly said aloud "I want to live for a higher purpose" or "I have faith in the world to come," I think it would hit me like lightning. Or if I read those in a dating profile. But I have never heard nor seen such words.

I sometimes say in my head that "Vulnerability is strength," even though the world teaches us the opposite -- that vulnerability and a tremendous weakness. I hope one day to more fully incorporate vulnerability into my life.

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Pat
9/22/2012 12:40:04 pm

I think it takes tremendous strength to be vulnerable. When I open myself to real experiences, I am vulnerable because I subject myself to whatever comes and I can't totally control the experience. But that's life. Or, so I thought. I was married over two decades. More than half of that was formal commitment only. I left a dead marriage, having finally developed the courage to leave what was "comfortable" in search for more. I wanted kindness, trust, love, affection, a real conversation, a hug, a shared cup of coffee. At 62, and early retired, I've learned there is tremendous prejudice against "older" single adults - especially if you have no children. The difference between feeling useful, competent, intelligent, healthy, active, loving, and the reception I receive as "old", is depressing. Men my age generally want women 10-15 years younger - I've been told my age is an "obstacle". Women are no better, suggesting I should be happy with memories as they engage in crafts or tend to grandchildren. Memories? Remember I left a dead marriage. As a single woman, I am excluded from couples activities. Church is filled with superficial "Hi, I'll pray for you."; and much of the "singles social" world is highly superficial w 40 year olds hot for hook-ups. Even speed dating caps the age at 55. I longed for intimacy - emotional intimacy and yes, eventually physical intimacy. What a shock the "real" world is. It will be interesting to see if change occurs as more baby boomers - including newly retired successful single women - enter the "older" single social world. Living hasn't ended - it's just another phase. I hoped to make new memories.

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Julia
9/24/2012 04:13:21 pm

Pat, I think the "prejudice" is with all single people to some extent. Since I've been divorced not even my family remembers to invite me over. The world, media, advertising , etc. are all geared toward couples or the dating scene. A simple example is restaurant coupons; they are all for buy one meal get the discount on the second meal. Now married people will tell you to just save the second meal for the next day. They obviously don't have to eat leftovers as often as single people have to throw them out! As you have already noted, the dating scene is more of the hook-up scene. I'm in my forties, but I have no desire to just hook-up. I would like to find someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation. I've even found a couple of men that want the same things that I do, but the compatibility is just not there. Settling for someone just for the sake of not being lonely will just get you back into the loveless marriage. I found that out as well. When I first found this blog I was so lonely I thought I would go crazy. Since then I've forced myself to find time to socialize with friends. But even then they are all couples, but it helps to get out. Some days are better than others. Pat, don't join the sewing circle just yet, or if you do, make sure it is with friends you can truly laugh and be yourself with. I think the reason why so many feel lonely is because we don't have anyone that we can truly be ourselves with. I wish I had words of comfort for you. I am in my forties, but I have experienced some of the same things you mentioned in your comment. I fear that I will be in my sixties and still reading and commenting on this blog. I can say that as the divorce gets further in the past you get use to being by yourself and the loneliness gets a little better, or changes to something that is a little more bearable.

Tricia
3/10/2013 05:23:34 am

I've been divorced since age 38, and now, at 56, I could have written your post. When I was in my early forties I heard over and over how no one wanted to date someone who had kids. Now, I just don't get dates at all or just get asked for hook ups. I socialize but everywhere I go there are far more women out there looking than available guys. For guys it is like a candy store - they can pick and choose. I am used to going places and doing things alone - still would prefer to be in a relationship.

Joy
10/12/2014 10:24:47 am

Pat,

I can relate to your post. I was married for 25 1/2 years, but he decided he "didn't love me like a man should love a wife" and left me. I have experienced such overwhelming loneliness over the past 6 - 8 years since, and I'm sure it's because I'm not willing to take the risk of opening myself up to that kind of hurt again. Like you, I've experienced and still experience the longing for intimacy - more emotional than physical, but I've found that people are simply too busy to be bothered with bringing another living soul into their inner circle. I've tried to make social connections, only to find no one reciprocates. That simply reinforces the loneliness and drives home the feeling that no one cares. I've also experienced the superficial church scene where you hear, "I'll pray for you," yet no one from the church reaches out either. I have made many new memories, but they are no substitute for actual human connections. There are days that go by that I have absolutely no other human connections than those in my workplace - no face-to-face conversations that are interesting/stimulating, no phone calls (I've actually used my cell phone to call my landline to see if the landline was working properly. Now, how sad is that?!?) There is so much to be said for human touch. If a baby needs human touch to thrive and survive, how much more so is this true for adults?

Pat
9/22/2012 12:57:41 pm

P.S. I just read a wonderful book by Judith Sill,s PhD, "Getting Naked Again...". It so clearly documents my own experience. Too bad I didn't read it earlier - I would have been prepared.

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Sean@WOL
9/22/2012 04:54:07 pm

Hi Pat,
Thanks for sharing your story. I myself didn't realize how tough the dating scene can be in older age. I know that as the older you get, the scarcer men tend to be, especially single men. I think as long as you are alive, you are going to want to be loved. I don't have any great suggestions for you either except for the fact that perhaps since the odds are against you, it might take a bit longer to get what you are looking for. In the meantime, what is the probability of creating a stronger network of friendships?

AL
4/19/2013 06:10:09 pm

FIRST I THINK BEING LONELY IS A STATE OF MIND IF ONE CAN SHORT THE CIRCUT YOU'RE. HOME FREE I AM AN OLD MAN NEVER DATED IN MY LIFE DID NOT WANT CHILDREN

Ali
7/19/2013 05:47:23 pm

Joel your comment about dropping off friends one by one because you didn't feel anything from them is exactly what my life has been like since I was a teenager as well. I guess I have always been a bit quirky and different and this led to me having very few friends, and even the ones I did have were purely superficial at best. I don't feel like anyone truly knows me or wants to know me. I have had many friends over my lifetime, I am 31 now. But none of them I can honestly say were friendships or relationships that I truly felt a connection with.

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Ben Mijuskovic link
12/28/2012 12:50:45 pm

Sorry to be coming so late to these discussions. One way to approach loneliness is to see when and how it starts. Freud, in Civilization and Its Discontents, posits/assumes what he terms the "oceanic feeling" as the 1st stage of infancy. It is a developmental stage in which the infant has not yet distinguished its "self" from a realm of objects; it is characterized by consciousness but not self-consciousness. The child in his crib reaches out his hand to touch the moon without success. (Hegel's initial stage of "sense certainty" in the Phenomenology (1807) and the category of Being in the Science of Logic (1812-1816) would correspond to it.) The next stage, introducing the reality principle, distinguishes self and objects. And the 3rd "moment" separates self from the "other," the mother, a distinct sphere of activity. It is this second self that may--or may not--provide nurturance; or it can withdraw it (Lordship and Bondage section in the Phenomenology). I believe, this is also when the first appearance of narcissim begins. Starting with WW I and the institutionalization and separation of mothers from their infants due to their factory assignments in behalf of the war effort, nurses noticed a psychological regression which lead to half the deaths of children under the age of one. Subsequent research by Rene Spitz, John Bowlby, Dorothy Burlingame, Margaret Ribble, Anna Freud, Harry Harlow all seemed to indicate that this phenomenon was centered in the loss of maternal nurturance. The disorder has presented itself under different names thruout the years--marasmus, anaclitic depression, hospitalism, attachment disorder of infancy, failure to thrive, etc.

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Ben Mijuskovic link
12/29/2012 03:51:23 am

First, as previously commented, after the physiological needs/drives of air, water, food, and sleep are met, the most insistent psychological drive/desire is to avoid loneliness and secure intimacy, perhaps with a Supreme Being, human beings, pets, etc. (I'm not convinced someone can be intimate with nature; it has to be an other conscious or sentient being at least.) Second, what helped me long ago, was the realization that loneliness is universal in makkind. As Joseph Conrad declared, "We are lonely from the cradle to the grave, and perhaps beyond." Similar sentiments were echoed by Thomas Wolfe: "The whole convction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of [all] human existence. When we examine the moments, acts, and statements of all kinds of people...we find, I think, that they are all suffering from the same thing. The final cause of their complaint is loneliness." For me, at least, the realization that although one exists separately within the confines of self-consciousness, we are all together in our loneliness. It's sort of realizing that we are all mortal, it sort of takes the "personal" sting out of it. For some, of course, there is an ulimate consolation of persisting immortally, altho that seems rather narcissistic to me. For others, they are often very fortunate and the God of Chance accords them satisfying intimate relationships. And for still others, like myself, loneliness serves as the ubiquitous background against which I struggle on a daily basis. It's kind of like Camus's The Myth of Sysyphus; the boulder reaches the top, I have succeded for a while and can rest; but then, the stone rolls downward and I run after it and once more begin the hard ascent. As for Camus, however, there can be both pride and dignity in the endeavor.

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Rachel
1/18/2013 08:22:10 pm

Thank you Ben.. Wonderfully insightful x

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Wendy Reeves link
2/24/2017 01:33:38 pm

Wonderful insights from Eagles who fly alone but powerfully.

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Danson
12/31/2012 04:50:10 pm

Yeah i cant do this any more spending all this time alone people dont get it this hurts im trying to live my life i cant keep this up all the things that happened i try so hard tyler i cant do this i wish i had you but you always just ignore me you want to be with me but you just leave me alone then when i ignore you you are mad... if you want to be with me then tell me but all you want to do is be with tim i thought we were gonna be together all the time we had off i already lost matt and jet and everyone else it never stops this is why people die you are gonna wonder why we cant talk anymore it's your fault i tried to hold on to what we had but you cant do that if we never communicate im just trying to hold on to something real no one understands me and it hurts you always tell me if you died then i would cry well how does that make any sense if we are never together the bond matt and i was meant to be but we never see each other we have lost everything i tried to hold on to it everything fell apart the reason i argue with you all the time is because of what we shared but it doesnt mean anything if you dont ever care that's why we must give up on everything and go our separate ways theres no point on continuing with something that is not there i just wanted us to be together but i guess that is too much to ask from anybody i guess this is what happens when everyone turns their back on you and leaves you to dry randall daniel i cant even get a fucking call from them all those years with them and not a fucking call what is the point of all of this staying alive tyler all that i think about is you but recently i cant do that anymore there has always been soemone in my life that i would do anything for i cant do that for you we cant be together we just cant do it im trying to go further in my life and you are holding me back i needed someone like you but you hurt me we could of had life together we could of shared everything what am i supposed to do now i dont have anyone you dont even think about me anymore and that hurts all i wanted was someone to hold onto you cant see that i smile when i think about us but people make fun of that i just needed somebody everything always falls apart i have been betrayed and left by many people i cant trust anyone even my family why does loneliness hide inside my heart why did randall lie to me and why did daniel leave me the reason im so cold hearted is because of you but tyler you are never there for me you were only there for me when it was convenient and that hurts you left me i told you that i wanted to be together and all you cared about was tim so thats what you do i guess leave the people you care about behind i wont take anymore of your time i just though we had something real it felt real at least why does happen to me time and time again you are going to lose me and then you realize how good i was to you but you cant see that now i have nothing left i just wanted someone there for me..you tried to hurt me on purpose by making me jealous with julias well im crying right now

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Ben Mijuskovic link
1/1/2013 12:22:13 pm

Danson: The operative words in your articulate and anguished narrative are "trust," betrayed" and "shared" (twice). The opposite to loneliness is intimacy, a sense of belonging with a desired other (or others); it is a sense of togetherness with the other. It is a wish to "share" one's values, decisions, and affection with the other self. The basis of any intimate relationship is a sense of shared trust. Short of that sense of intimacy, the sense of betrayal and abandonment takes over as in your case. The problem with all emotional "hurt" is that rational advice seldom can penetrate the consciousness of the one who suffers and depression sets in. In such situations of extreme loneliness, all I can suggest is that loneliness is essentially narcissistic; one spirals into a "well of loneliness" at the center and bottom of which there is little but a feeling of "emptiness"; that's why loneliness is often identified with emptiness. How to fill that void, that emptines is the problem. I'm afraid this won't help much but because of the self-absorbed, narcissistic quality of loneliness, the "trick" is to force yourself to think beyond or outside of your self. The easiest way--forgive me if this sounds simplistic--but physical exercise helps because it forces you "outside," "beyond" your self. The best way is to help someone else, another human being, even a pet, to care for a being or creature beyond your self who or which depends and needs you. I hope this helps. You write like a very caring person and you deserve someone who is as caring as you.

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AMCV
1/24/2013 05:53:57 am

loneliness is uncurable state of mind and emotion it is not degenerative or generative, it is a constant unsatisfying emotion in which some people who experience it find temporal satisfaction in material realm. Yes, some lonely people find joy in relationship but still feels the same. Some factors that contributes loneliness are:

had experience rejection, so they begun to be anti-social
had experience abuse
had experience hostile environment such as family, friends, neighborhood etc.
in a wrong set of crowds
had bad memories

To help someone EASE loneliness:

be productive find something you enjoy and love to do.
exercise and rest
eat healthy and balance food
find something you can LAUGH AT!
do things that you hadnt done before or counteract the LONELINESS: example bungie jump if you hadnt experience bungie jumping, ride four wheeler and etc. Read something humorous and colorful, watch a stand up comedy and etc.
talk to a close friend or family on how you feel not alot of stranger can understand your emotion other than your CLOSE and TRUSTED FRIEND and FAMILY.

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Ben Mijuskovic link
1/25/2013 02:30:18 am

Donna Sue May: I work at an LA County mental health clinic. We actively serve 2,800 clients and evaluate some 12-18 a day. Often they are victims of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They relive, re-visualize the experience. One 20-year-old I have been seeing for over a year was raped consistently by her biological father from ages 5-8 until the incest was discovered and he was sent to prison following a 6-month trial. In terms of "therapy," I have introduced her, and she has emotionally connected, to and with 3 victims of similar age and circumstance. I believe it has been an enormous help for her. She both gives and receives support from those who have suffered and survived as she has. I have recently considered suggesting they form a self-help group at the clinic but I don't know. Ben

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Ben Mijuskovic link
3/10/2013 07:31:51 am

To: Tricia divorced for 18 years. Loneliness is intrinsically narcissistic (that's not a moral judgment but rather a psychological fact); the individual sinks into a well of isolation, emptiness, darkness, meaninglessness; blankness; lack of interest in the world outside; the mind recedes internally, regresses self-consciously; it disengages fom participation in social activities. Like depression, the self needs to go "beyond" itself. The easiest way is by physical exercise because then the self focuses on athletic goals; the best way is by helping another creature, human or animal (consider pets). In American culture, which is atomisitic=solitary and competitive, older people are psychologically abandoned by their children and employers and neighbors; in Hispanic culture, which is organic=social and cooperative, the elderly are accomodated within the extended family.

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wheels
6/17/2013 04:04:34 pm

I need advice. I am lonely and suffering from depression. Its now so bad I cry every night. I am wheel chair bound, overweight and just out of a relationship where my ex left me for my best friend. To get over the hurt I clinged to my friend who I am now in love with( I think maybe is just attachment). He recently got a girlfriend so he is in the deep love phase and now he has no time to spend with me. I keep imagining them married with kids and me alone and old. It seems too much to take. I am bitter to every one who has a future because mine looks so bleak.

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webofloneliness
6/18/2013 02:09:39 pm

Hi Wheels! Sorry you are having such a difficult time. There are no easy answers to some of the situations that life puts us in. I would like to invite you though to join our online support group at: http://support.webofloneliness.com/ You can share your story there, connect with others, and get the opportunity to make friends with others in similar situation as yourself.

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AL
6/18/2013 07:41:36 pm

WHEELS,
FIRST TRY TO HAVE 1 OR MORE HOURS OF LIGHT PER DAY
IT HELPS REALLY AND DON'T FRET
ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN'T DO
CONCERN YOURSELF WITH WHAT
YOU CAN DO FIND A HOBBY OR
SOME KIND OF WORK ON COMPUTER
THAT YOU CAN DO BEWARE OF CONS AND SCAMS ABOUT BEING OVERWEIGHT YOU CAN LOSE IT BY RATIONING YOUR FOOD I HAVE DONE. IT SLIM FAST HELPS BUT. COST MUCH

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Rob
9/24/2013 11:27:55 pm

To the original author:
"Mistrust in others usually manifests itself in two ways, either we completely reject others and totally fend for ourselves or we demand help from others in a very possessive, jealous, dominating manner."

Your comments seem a little "defined" between railway tracks. There are other possibilities you don't seem to have considered.
For example you might consider the individual who is so very lonely and has been for so long that they are so desparate for company they tend to trust most people in most things AND they are so super generous to others they would give the shirt off their back ... literally to help others.
All this is of course an ever declining attempt to gain simple human contact. I have been studying an individual that is this far gone for around 12 years. The patient has such a strong need for contact that they know deep down they would crash into a suicidal spiral if they even gave up the slightest amount of hope for a better future.

May I suggest that not everyone fits into neat little piles of stereotypical labelling.

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Sean
9/25/2013 01:09:07 pm

Rob, you're absolutely right, reality is way more complex than I or anyone else can portray. Certainly no one fits into any neat label anywhere, people are more complex than that. However, I would argue that just cause someone is generous doesn't mean they are trusting. We all have developed different strategies in an attempt to make sure people see us in a favorable light. Being super generous may in fact be a telltale sign of mistrust, a subtle, yet cohesive strategy to get folks to like us. If we really trusted others, wouldn't the relationship be more balanced? This very fact could be what is feeding into this individual's own loneliness. Just a thought to consider.

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Rob
9/26/2013 03:18:57 pm

I can see where you're coming from here. This particular individual however is so very trusting and giving that in many cases he "puts himself out there" in an effort to find company ... even companionship, to his own detriment. Let's cut the pretence. I will do just about anything to find company and companionship, nine times outta ten I get burnt, but I simply can't believe that the whole world is against me. There must be someone out there who is interested in my friendship and I will continue looking until someone digs me a 6' hole to sleep in. Life is too short to worry about the inadequacies of today's society; I simply must put myself out there in the hope that someone wants to hear what I have to say.

Rob link
9/26/2013 03:20:09 pm

I can see where you're coming from here. This particular individual however is so very trusting and giving that in many cases he "puts himself out there" in an effort to find company ... even companionship, to his own detriment. Let's cut the pretence. I will do just about anything to find company and companionship, nine times outta ten I get burnt, but I simply can't believe that the whole world is against me. There must be someone out there who is interested in my friendship and I will continue looking until someone digs me a 6' hole to sleep in. Life is too short to worry about the inadequacies of today's society; I simply must put myself out there in the hope that someone wants to hear what I have to say. Take Care.

Rhonda
10/12/2013 10:24:02 am

Been Lonely all my life. I am a social person, but have difficult being comfortable around others socially. Not sure that makes sense to others. If you meet me I am very outgoing in public, but spend my time alone, crying and desperately lonely.

Reply
ste
1/15/2014 02:22:08 pm

Lack of care and attention for me when I was younger aswell moving from home to home I was put in foster care at 8 . I always felt a bit left out , I was alright with making friends well a handful, in a sense still felt a bit left out and I'm 26 now and iv been in 3 very short relationships . Been alone now for 8 years but I'm a bubbly person but I can also come across as a very quite one too. But kinda just find it hard to mingle in ppl and I just feel numb and comes feels a lot of stress on me and then next minute I can be climbing up the walls with random anger just at nothing. ANY ADVICE?

Reply
C.j
3/18/2014 09:01:39 pm

How do you break out of social isolation? This is from being ignored, bullied and excluded. I've been trying and everything leads me back here. Turns out, I don't have anything in common with anyone anymore.. I go out and I can't connect with anyone . I feel like I don't even know what to say or how to act around people anymore. Every encounter I have is shallow and short-lived.. Even on the internet /sigh

Reply
Anonymous
6/20/2014 04:07:23 pm

Being vulnerable isn't enough, either.
It still has to be done with social perfection.

Reply
Pip
11/20/2014 01:15:17 pm

Sean, I read this article of yours again twice in the last month. I studied it. Because I thought it may be the answer to my case. But after I re-assessed myself again, I kind of have to disagree that this is the cure for me. Why? Because in the last 3 years I have worked on my vulnerability. I share my emotions and thoughts with people who I think I can and yet it has still left me with not many meaningful friendships. I don't consider myself someone who 'hides' herself anymore. It was something I chose to work on for quite some time. When I share vulnerably, some will listen, some will advise me but not really connect with me in a meaningful way. It didn't change my loneliness. Wonder if something else is still missing?

Reply
Sean @ WOL
11/20/2014 02:52:55 pm

Hi Pip. Good thoughts. Three questions that comes to mind are, what kinds of things are you sharing with others? Who are you sharing it with? and How much are you reciprocating (asking others to share about themselves and being genuinely interested)? Relationships are tricky things. Sharing things such as "I feel sad" or "I feel lonely" are important, but so is sharing things ordinary things like things we like or dislike, how we feel about other people (when they make us happy or sad), how we feel about relationships, etc. Not everyone we decide to start a relationship with is going to work, but it's important to keep it a two-way street. Sharing is important but so is listening and being genuinely interested in another person.

Reply
Pip
11/20/2014 03:07:13 pm

Hi Sean, thanks for replying. I started a support group for sad people, so definitely I took an interest in others and also shared my own situations, but somehow the friendships I don't really turn out very strong, and often its like back to I have no friends. What I mean is that the friendships are often shallow. Yes I do share ordinary things too. Usually I share with people at the support group or with people whom I've at least met a few times and feel enough of a connection to share more personal things. But it just kind of stops there. Which is why I feel loneliness can be very complicated. I don't feel that I'm such a horrible person, that I'm only sharing about myself, etc but often it just doesn't get anywhere. And even though I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings, its just the same. But thanks anyway for replying. Still good to check if I were doing all those things.


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