Existential Loneliness
According to the Existentialist, a human being's existence is a lonely existence. At the end of the day, we are all alone. Can anyone ever truly understand what it is to be you, to experience all the things you have experienced, to understand your joys and happiness, your pains and sorrows? Surely we can talk to other people about how we feel, we can draw pictures, we can play music, but all this attempt to communicate ultimately leaves something behind. We cannot always get our feelings, ideas or experiences across exactly. There is a painful reality that ultimately we are alone, by ourselves, and ultimately lonely.
Some people are better at alleviating their loneliness than other people, at hiding their monadic existence than others. For them, loneliness is a fleeting feeling that visits them on cold winter days or cold gloomy rainy days when human contact becomes minimal and they are left only with the thoughts in their heads. For others, loneliness is a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time, that rears its ugly head at every human contact, that surrounds them in their waking and in their dreams.
Whether we would like to agree with it or not, loneliness is a universal phenomenon, it visits every human soul at some time in every culture, every race, every class, every age, and at all times in human history. It is inescapable, and has been expressed throughout the ages in music, literature and art. To feel lonely is to join the rest of humanity in acknowledging that we are somehow fundamentally separated from each other, doomed to speak and yet never fully understood. Not only is loneliness so pervasive, but it has been associated with a variety of different emotions. People who feel lonely describe it as painful, and it is associated very strongly with feelings of depression, suicide, low self-esteem and aggression. Being lonely for too long may not be a good thing. And while we suffer a monadic existence, we are social animals, needing each other, to bond, to connect, to love. It is the paradox of human existence to seek to fill a need that can never be satisfied, to fill the vortex of loneliness in our lives.
Loneliness and the Need to Belong
Two relationship researchers, Baumeister and Leary have suggested that all of us have a basic need to belong. This need to belong is as fundamental as the need to eat, sleep, or breathe. The need to belong is the need to "form and maintain strong, stable, interpersonal relationships." From a survival point of view, it makes sense that humans (and other animals) would want to be close and connected to one another. After all, survival is more likely for people in groups versus people trying to tough it out on their own. All of us therefore, have this fundamental need to connect with others and form interpersonal bonds. And like any other fundamental need, if it goes unfulfilled, our body tries to alert us that we are not getting what we need. Take, for example, the need to eat. Eating is important because food provides us with energy and gives us the building blocks to grow and develop. When you do not eat enough, your body alerts you you need to eat more by making you feel hungry. And the less you eat, the more hungry you feel. Hunger is painful and it is quite clear what you need to do to make it go away: you need to eat.
Loneliness is in response to the need to belong. Interpersonal relationships gives us emotional health: we can share our problems/issues, we can laugh and have a good time, we can learn more about ourselves and others. But, when interpersonal relationships/interactions are absent, loneliness occurs. In fact, solitary confinement (being totally isolated from others) is such a painful, harsh experience that it is used as a form of punishment. But, even in lesser degrees, loneliness is still there, a painful reminder that we are not getting the desired relationships we need. Sometimes loneliness is referred to as social pain, because it is a pain that results from social isolation. And, like hunger, the only way to be truly satisfied is to find those interpersonal relationships that will satisfy the need.
There are two interesting points, when we think about loneliness as a social pain. First, like hunger, it is subjective how much is needed to satisfy a person. One person may need to eat a lot to satisfy his/her hunger and another person may only need to eat a little bit. Likewise, some people need a lot of interpersonal relationships while others only need a little. Second, unlike hunger, getting the interpersonal relationships we need is a lot more difficult. Once food is available, it's pretty easy to satisfy our hunger, we just take it and eat it. But interpersonal relationships are much harder. We could be surrounded by people and yet not be able to satisfy our loneliness. It requires knowing how to establish and maintain interpersonal relationships, which for some people can be very difficult to do.
Loneliness is a legitimate need that should not be ignored or taken lightly. Just as other needs, if left unfulfilled, can cause serious health damage, our need to belong, if left unfulfilled can also cause serious health damage, ranging from mental health issues such as depression to physical health issues like high blood pressure and obesity.
According to the Existentialist, a human being's existence is a lonely existence. At the end of the day, we are all alone. Can anyone ever truly understand what it is to be you, to experience all the things you have experienced, to understand your joys and happiness, your pains and sorrows? Surely we can talk to other people about how we feel, we can draw pictures, we can play music, but all this attempt to communicate ultimately leaves something behind. We cannot always get our feelings, ideas or experiences across exactly. There is a painful reality that ultimately we are alone, by ourselves, and ultimately lonely.
Some people are better at alleviating their loneliness than other people, at hiding their monadic existence than others. For them, loneliness is a fleeting feeling that visits them on cold winter days or cold gloomy rainy days when human contact becomes minimal and they are left only with the thoughts in their heads. For others, loneliness is a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time, that rears its ugly head at every human contact, that surrounds them in their waking and in their dreams.
Whether we would like to agree with it or not, loneliness is a universal phenomenon, it visits every human soul at some time in every culture, every race, every class, every age, and at all times in human history. It is inescapable, and has been expressed throughout the ages in music, literature and art. To feel lonely is to join the rest of humanity in acknowledging that we are somehow fundamentally separated from each other, doomed to speak and yet never fully understood. Not only is loneliness so pervasive, but it has been associated with a variety of different emotions. People who feel lonely describe it as painful, and it is associated very strongly with feelings of depression, suicide, low self-esteem and aggression. Being lonely for too long may not be a good thing. And while we suffer a monadic existence, we are social animals, needing each other, to bond, to connect, to love. It is the paradox of human existence to seek to fill a need that can never be satisfied, to fill the vortex of loneliness in our lives.
Loneliness and the Need to Belong
Two relationship researchers, Baumeister and Leary have suggested that all of us have a basic need to belong. This need to belong is as fundamental as the need to eat, sleep, or breathe. The need to belong is the need to "form and maintain strong, stable, interpersonal relationships." From a survival point of view, it makes sense that humans (and other animals) would want to be close and connected to one another. After all, survival is more likely for people in groups versus people trying to tough it out on their own. All of us therefore, have this fundamental need to connect with others and form interpersonal bonds. And like any other fundamental need, if it goes unfulfilled, our body tries to alert us that we are not getting what we need. Take, for example, the need to eat. Eating is important because food provides us with energy and gives us the building blocks to grow and develop. When you do not eat enough, your body alerts you you need to eat more by making you feel hungry. And the less you eat, the more hungry you feel. Hunger is painful and it is quite clear what you need to do to make it go away: you need to eat.
Loneliness is in response to the need to belong. Interpersonal relationships gives us emotional health: we can share our problems/issues, we can laugh and have a good time, we can learn more about ourselves and others. But, when interpersonal relationships/interactions are absent, loneliness occurs. In fact, solitary confinement (being totally isolated from others) is such a painful, harsh experience that it is used as a form of punishment. But, even in lesser degrees, loneliness is still there, a painful reminder that we are not getting the desired relationships we need. Sometimes loneliness is referred to as social pain, because it is a pain that results from social isolation. And, like hunger, the only way to be truly satisfied is to find those interpersonal relationships that will satisfy the need.
There are two interesting points, when we think about loneliness as a social pain. First, like hunger, it is subjective how much is needed to satisfy a person. One person may need to eat a lot to satisfy his/her hunger and another person may only need to eat a little bit. Likewise, some people need a lot of interpersonal relationships while others only need a little. Second, unlike hunger, getting the interpersonal relationships we need is a lot more difficult. Once food is available, it's pretty easy to satisfy our hunger, we just take it and eat it. But interpersonal relationships are much harder. We could be surrounded by people and yet not be able to satisfy our loneliness. It requires knowing how to establish and maintain interpersonal relationships, which for some people can be very difficult to do.
Loneliness is a legitimate need that should not be ignored or taken lightly. Just as other needs, if left unfulfilled, can cause serious health damage, our need to belong, if left unfulfilled can also cause serious health damage, ranging from mental health issues such as depression to physical health issues like high blood pressure and obesity.